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Needing Encouragement

workparentplay's picture

Submitted by workparentplay on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 2:09pm

Forums: 
General Discussion

Hello, 

I guess I should introduce myself. I am in a serious relationship with a man who has been divorced for 3 years and has two sons, (4 and 9). He shares joint legal and he has physical and the BM gets 3 weekends a month. I am recently divorced. Neither of us were looking for a relationship but fell head over heels for eachother. Our relationship is incredible for the most part, and the kids and I get along really well. They respect me most of the time and we communicate well and enjoy quality time together. 

I have my fair share of questions and concerns. I know things aren't easy, and I'm understanding that they may never be, but can anyone share something - anything - uplifting and good? My SO and I are really making leaps and bounds regarding scheduling and figuring out this whole dating with kids thing, but I could really - REALLY - use a little encouragement! 

Sincerely, 

Tired and disheartened. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 2:35pm

Welcome to StepTalk!

We are great with giving encouragement and pretty much saying how we think it really is however, I need to ask why are you tired & disheartened? What is going on that you need encouragement?

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 2:46pm

I have a decent step-situation.  DH has two kids (4 and 7) and I get along well with them.  Compared to many of the situations you'll read about on STalk, mine is pretty good.  The kids like me, they're fairly well behaved, I have authority to go along with responsibility, the BM is a good mother and is sane.  We have little bumps in the road, but nothing that's anywhere close to sending me running for the hills.

At the beginning, DH didn't have very good boundaries with BM, which is why I found this site.  But even though I don't have a lot of big problems, STalk has been very beneficial.  It helps me see that there really *is* a divorced dad playbook and the stuff my DH does is pretty common.  It helps me see what the red flags are, and how some bad situations start, so I can nip problems in the bud.  I've been able to head some issues off at the pass because when they first came up I'd read about them on here and I could take the good advice that had been offered to others. 

Now, who knows what will change as years go by and the skids get older, but for now I don't have a lot of complaints about step-life.  It can be good!  I would encourage you to read here - it really has been very helpful to me to see potential pitfalls before I encounter them and have an idea what to do. 

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 4:11pm

You have 3 weekends a month kid free...that is a pretty good schedule for lots of couple time. Do you live with your SO?

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 4:47pm

Welcome. When reading your post it sounded very encouraging.  But the last line  "Tired and disheartened " sounded a bit deflating.  You mentioned you have concerns.  Would you share them?

You are asking questions early on on the relationship which is extremely smart.  Many of us waited until we were having problems, then tried to do damage control.  Read past posts and you will find that most of our problems with Skids originate because our SO doesn't make the partnership their top priority  The main responsibility for a parent is their children but they must present their marriage as a united team, teach their children about mutual respect, and encourage them to grow up to be kind, responsible, self-sustaining adults.

captjacksprrw's picture

Submitted by captjacksprrw on Fri, 02/07/2020 - 7:24pm

Congratulations.  Yes, Step parenting can be very hard and it seems all of us experience very differing degrees of challenge.  Not wanting to sound like a broken record but learn from my own lack of knowledge and wisdom.  I am absolutely crazy about my wife and we are true partners but my 2 SS and the way the blended dynamic rolled out almost wrecked us. To avoid that ....

Make sure you two have regular and uninterrupted time together.  Agree upon a rule to discuss anything no judgement. 

  • Make sure you each can recite the other's expectations and boundaries
  • Be 110% certain that you are both entering a new family dynamic where it is Marriage centric and not kid centric.  The marriage becomes a nucleus that supports everything
  • Reach a firm agreement on household behaviors (e.g. chores, respectful communication, etc) and even write it down so you can both look back at it
  • Set regular date nights and the expectation with kids this is time for the two of you period
  • Continually discuss the household and behaviors and reach an agreement to Never be anything but a unified front (no countering each other in front of the kids ever)

Good luck and Overcommunicate!!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 12:16am

There is absolutely no reason why it can't be good.  Both the relationship between you and your SO and also between you and the Skids.

IF (Note the BIG if) you and DH are true equity life partners, you put each other and the relationship that you have together above all else including the kids and if you are both equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.  

Kids can never take priority over the relationship and each other.  Kids are always the top relationship responsibility but they are not the priority.

Just as key is that your SO has to be a strong parent, has to set and enforce behavioral and performance standards for his kids and enforce those standards and apply appropriate consequences for violations of those standards.

If these things are not what is happening, the odds of you being able to make them happen are slim at best and you should consider cutting your losses and moving on.