My advice is to love her and treat her like the wife she is.  And remember, she is your wife and not your ex-.  Personally, #1 never bothered me.  I never even thought about it that much, until I read it here, someone thinking or saying such.  But, every SP is different.  I feel like my DH and I have had all sorts of firsts, so to speak.  But, yeah, she's not going to be the first wife or your first kid or be around for your first father's day.  Nothing can be done about that.  Make your own new firsts.

Regarding trying to esbatlish a bond between the two, remember you cannot force anything on either end.  There are things you can do (just google "how to bond with step child" or similar) to try to make both of them feel more at ease, but they may never really bond in the way you, SM or child wants.  You don't know what is going on at BM's home, and it is not uncommon for SKs to feel conflicted loyalties over bonding with anyone other than mom.  I'm not sure what you or your wife means by "giving up," but what may work today, may not work tomorrow, especially as SKs age.  What is important is that you set the role model for your child, and treat your wife as your wife and your wife with respect, and don't put her in the middle.  This is your child.  If anyone gets put in the middle, it is you.

Regarding #3, this can be true.  There are some step-siblings who get along like bother and sister and others who don't want to have anything to do with each other and have nothing but resentment going on between them.  The answer to this is much like #2, where you have to set the example for your child.  But, at the end of the day, it will be the siblings who will ultimately decide how they get along.  You'll probably wind up hearing accusations of unfair trmt. from both sides.  Whatever you do, do not try to make it a competition among step-siblings or among your child and your wife.

Again, you do not know what is going on at BM's home with your child, and there is really no way you can.  You and BM are divorced.  All you can control is what goes on in your home.  Set the example, and try to create a welcoming environment for all.  You know your kid, and hopefully you know your wife, so you are the one who needs to go out of his way to smooth things over as much as you can. 

Kudos to you for trying to help your wife.  Wish my husband had the same attitude.

Regarding #1, I can relate. I've always been a little disappointed that I wasn't DH's first wife; had his first child.  But, I also realized that that was something I was just going to have to live with if I married him. When it bothered me the most was when my DH would say something like " when SD was a baby, I did ........" or "when I was married to BM, we had to do........".  I didn't need reminders that he was married to someone else and had a child with someone else; I had a living, breathing daily reminder in my home all the time that reminded me that someone was there before me.  So, I'd advise avoiding statements like that.  Instead, maybe you can say something to your wife to the effect of "You know, honey, I always wanted to do ......... but never had the chance. Let's do it together" and make something special out doing something first with her.

Regarding #2, your son may never really want your wife to help him and always come only to you. Your job is to make sure you and wife are a team in front of him and that one doesn't come without the other.  For example; if your son wants to go to the park, you have to say that you have to consult with your wife first; let her say yes and be the good guy here. Emphasize to your son that you respect her and her role in the family.  He may never love her but he will learn to respect her through you.

Regarding #3, it is alot like the answer to #2. If you have more children, you treat them all the same; you punish them all the same even if your son is visiting for just a couple of days.  Alot of resentment develops between stepsiblings because the visiting child gets special privileges and treatment.   The biological parent doesn't want to upset the child that visits only twice a month and you end up creating a Disney dad and manipulative kid.

  And consult your wife and respect her opinions.  Put your marriage first.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  

This post is wonderful! You are listening to your wife and trying to make things good for her, and that's something I wish I had. Many of us do. So you're already doing a good job just by thinking these things.

As for firsts, I think it helps if you acknowledge the firsts that you two have and really say how much you like experiencing those things with her. It can be anything. You bought a house together. Maybe you will travel somewhere new together. Maybe you will eat some type of food for the first time. Maybe you will take up mixed doubles tennis. Anything can be a first that you love having with her, and if you show her that you value these, I think it will help. 

Just don't do what my husband does. We were walking through Paris and he pointed out to me every place his ex did something stupid last time he was there. He thought he was sharing funny stories with me but all he was doing was reminding me a dozen times a day that he'd done all this and more with her before. I try to diffuse those situations by reminding him of our firsts, like I'll say something crazy like, "remember the time you married some tall girl in a green jumpsuit (me)?" just to try to get the focus back on us, but he doesn't usually get the hint. So as long as you don't do this, you're mostly doing well already.

As for the kid, a bond will develop or it won't, but just let things develop on their own and don't push it. My husband tried to push me and his son together and it made things a lot worse. The kid and I can't stand each other. I don't know what would have happened if he'd left us to our own, but it probably would have been better. These things take time. Some books say it can take 7 years until a blended family feels like a family. As long as everyone is civil and mostly ok with each other, just giving it time might work. 

1. Give your wife plenty of space away from the stepchild. Steplife can be a pressure cooker for the step parent.

2. Don't be your ex's little b1tch. Just don't. Have clearly established boundaries and only communicate with her as absolutely necessary.

3. Don't expect your wife to love your child, she probably won't.

4. Discipline your child as necessary and don't succumb to the guilty daddy syndrome. It helps no one.

5. Get your child to do age appropriate chores such as taking the bins out, making his bed, emptying the dishwasher etc.

1) That's a super real fear a lot of us experience. For me it's not the "firsts" that get frustrating... It's the memories that are scary. The fact that it feels like anything I do is going to be tainted with old memories. Me having our first together in the hospital will be tainted by the fact she gave birth before I did, etc. It's not a pleasant feeling. The best way to help with that is avoid making any comparisons. When she's trying to do something, don't pull the "well this is how it was before." Your experience, while it may help you and sometimes be welcome, can also make her feel a bit overshadowed in her own life and home. It's not the firsts that are scary, it's feeling like these other memories will over-shadow and taint any that you create together. Just keep reassuring her and show her how excited you are about everything you two do together.

2) You can't force that kind of relationship from either side or-else they'll both grow to hate each other. Give her time with him, but also give her time away from him to function as an individual. A lot of stepparents seem to lose themselves a bit attempting to please everyone and bond... But a bond can't be forced.Best thing you can do for her, uphold a high standard that your ss is going to respect her as an adult figure, then let anything else happen naturally and by both of their choices.

3) That is a VERY real fear. What ifs can be terrifying. And as a parent you want your child to be comfortable in their own home. Make sure your son is being respectful, following house rules, etc and that will help. In no way will it completley vanish, but if you're showing her that you expect him to follow rules and that you stand up for that and for her, it will help.

Good luck! Maybe considering sending her here so she has an outlet too. I know it's been a godsend for a lot of us (me included, hardcore) and stepparents often need a place to vent and sort throught he conflicting and strong emotions that come with being a stepparent.

In the meantime stand up for her. Remember she is your first priority and your son is your first responsibility. She is your wife. Also limit communication with BM unless necesarry, NOTHING hurts a Stepparent as bad as their spouse being TOO friendly with the ex and overstepping boundaries that they expect to be there (this varies by person, it's not uniform whatsoever)

I was not my husband's first anything. He was always very clear, though, that his first marriage was so awful, he felt he had a wonderful first chance at happiness when we married.

My husband doesn't often talk about his first marriage or wife. But when he does, it's only negative. Sometimes he'll say how nice it is to come home from work to me and our dog and our house and our life. This makes me feel really good because it's unsaid that this was not what he had before so I feel no competition. So say it -- remind her how happy you are with her, even when it might not be easy to say right now because she's going through this.

I have no advice on the kid -- my SD hates me and always has. But she never lived with us and was an adult when we married. But one thing I always read here is how misunderstood and taken for granted this hands on SMs feel toward their spouse and skids. So say it -- tell her you're grateful for what she's doing and you're sorry the payback from your son hasn't happened yet. Tell her you hope she'll hang in there because you're so happy with her.

Men aren't as verbal as women, so remind yourself to acknowledge what she's struggling with. Tell her how happy she makes you. Ask her if there's anything she needs from you (my husband does this all the time and it works to make me feel not so alone and stranded in step hell).

Lastly, whatever made you two decide to marry in the first place -- great vacations, golfing, concerts -- make a point to keep doing them. Take time away from your son to do this stuff. Let her remember why she married you in the first place and do those things again so she knows you're still the same person even if the situation has changed.