Step-momming kinda sucks
I’m 25 years old with no kids and I do pretty well for myself. Anything I need I can get for myself. I’ve been with my boyfriend (32) for almost a year and half now. We moved pretty quickly, he moved in about 6 mos. into the relationship. He’s still trying to get his career path together (working side jobs) and he has a 5 year old son with autism. His bm is damn near bipolar and always has issues with him.
At first I jumped straight into the role and just poured out my love on my SS but I just met his mother maybe a week ago (because she never wanted to meet me but we happened to cross paths while she was dropping off his son) and I was kinda overwhelmed with emotions.
I think I’ve always felt like this but meeting her just kinda solidified it for me, the fact that I literally will have to deal with this psycho for life as long as I’m with my bf (all because I have to deal with it if I stay with my bf). She likes to power trip & keep their child from him and he takes his frustrations out on everyone including me sometimes. And rightfully so he usually can't focus on anything but that and how much he resents his bm which I hate that is always a subject. I get he needs to vent but nobody wants to hear that sht.
My SS is cool with me, most times we don’t understand what he’s trying to communicate but we still try. But I've recently found myself dreading the weekends because I know once my SS is here my bf no time for me. I mean it sounds selfish and I get it but it’s almost as if I don’t exist when my SS is here because his son requires ALL of his attention. I know my bf sees that I become disconnected and then he tries to give me hugs & kisses but it doesn't do anything for me. I literally will just do my own thing but that's the thing I don't wanna just coexist you know, because that sht sucks. It feels like being a prisoner in my own home.
And I just wish we could have shared our “first” child together. I mean I can’t change the past but it just sucks. I don’t hate his son or anything it’s just hard to feel anything because everything is such a hassle. From the BM to the extra steps we take to help his son given his condition. I just wish it was easier and I especially hate that I have to share my man with this lady for the rest of his life. I don’t even know how to feel about anything anymore. I feel like I’m kinda just here hoping it gets better, so far.. no luck.
And this doesn’t even scratch surface of it all, I’d be writing a book if I told y’all everything. *deep sighs* Thankful I found this site so I can vent and not feel like total crap.
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I'll skip right past....
I'll skip right past telling you to leave. I'm sure many of the other members will say that and explain why.
But, let me ask you, how long has your BF been divorced? I'm guessing not very long. The reason I say that is, we often ask, "Has he done the work?" What that means is, has he established a home for the child to visit with appropriate furnishings (bed, frig, etc)? Is the child in a comfortable, predictable visitation schedule? Is there a custody agreement and does he follow it, including child support? Does he have a reasonable relationship with the ex, including boundaries as necessary? Is he acting like a real father (teaching, expectations, discipline) or is he a disney dad? Does he handle all feeding, behavior and hygiene issues?
Good luck, you are right, it's not easy at all.
He was never married. I think
He was never married. I think they were together for 2 years or so before they had him and then things just didn't work out. His son usually visits on weekends if his mom allows it (or isn't mad at my bf) and there is no custody agreement in place. And when I asked him to set boundaries in which he did she kept the kid away from him for months. Yes, he does know where they stay but again she herself is emotionally unstable and will act erratic.
He tries his best to teach and get his son a schedule when he's with us and it works but when he comes back the next weekend he has to relearn everything. Whether that be because of his learning disability or habits at home with his mom or a combo of both.
In my opinion I'd handle the parenting of this child way differently but it's not my place and he is not mine & I don't want to speak up just be shut down y'know?
BM still has his balls, my
BM still has his balls, my dear. If he hasn't gotten the guts up to get a CO and set those boundaries and create a schedule for his kid, he isn't really showing you that he is invested in creating a stable life for you.
You seem to have a really good head on your shoulders and aren't too swept up in the "I'm soooo iN LooVVee" thing. My advice to you is to give the ultimatum for getting a CO. He is just asking for every other weekend, I wouldn't even deal with getting an attorney for that. It is just about a given and the fact that it has been going on for a while will just solidify it.
I would also look for some parenting on the spectrum books or online classes. My oldest SS is Autistic (21 yrs old- won't ever live on his own). Parenting kids like him is not the same. It is 100X harder. Schedules are EVERYTHING. Rules, written out guildelines, expectations repeated daily. We have all kinds of things that I would never have to deal with for my bios past kindergarten, for my SS21:
So while you don't feel it is your place, it is. Because if you aren't a united front and don't have expectations for a kid, any kid but especially one with Autism, you are going to wind up resenting him and then seeing this relationship as a waste of time. He also needs to make sure that they are doing ABA therapy with him while he is young. As he gets older meds are going to help with some of the behaviors- Autism isn't usually a sole diagnosis- anxiety, add/adhd, depression, and many others seem to come into play. I am not sure where your SS falls on the spectrum but even the "high functioning" aren't always very "high".
Two "red flags" jump out in your post.
Two "red flags" jump out in your post. First, your boyfriend is 32, has a son to support, and still has no clear career path? What is the hold up? At that age, he should have steady full-time employment with good benefits and a retirement plan. The other big concern is he takes his frustrations out on you. He should not be doing that. There is a big difference between venting and taking things out on you.
You seem smart and are looking at your situation in a pretty realistic manner. You are right, you will be dealing with BM and SS for the rest of your time with your boyfriend. It is not going to stop at age 18. You are very young to tie yourself down in this kind of a situation. Are you sure this guy is worth the stress and heartache that you are already experiencing?
I hear you loud and clear.
I hear you loud and clear. Too often I find myself asking the same question. Why am I here? Because to be completely honest I love him with all my heart but damn, sometimes love just don't feel like enough. And I don't know if I'm suppose to wait it out a little because it might get better or just head for the hills with it.
I wish he'd understand it from my viewpoint but it's the same ol' "I'd stay if I were in your shoes" or "we're suppose to be ride or die" then I just sit there and wonder if he'd really do the same for me if roles were reversed.
He sounds immature. Like
He sounds immature. Like dating an overgrown teen.
“I am 25 years old”
You sound smart, kind, and mature. Go find a guy who you CAN have that “first” baby experience. Life is choices - you pick your path, it isn’t as random as we try to convince ourselves it is. Go get what you want - please don’t settle by default. Life rolls along fast - decisions get made - not everything is fixable.
Thank you I really needed
Thank you I really needed this. That's actually one of my biggest obstacles in my mind, knowing that I'll never be able to truly share that special experience with him.
Your BF doesn't have an
Your BF doesn't have an established career to provide stability for his own child. He hasn't taken BM to court for a set visitation schedule, allowing for her to use the child as a pawn.
BF is living with you and takes his frustrations out on you for a situation you have no control over and he isn't going doing anything about.
Of course he is going to be good to you, you are basically providing for him. At 32 if he can't manage his own responsibilities I don't see that changing.
At 25 do you really want to take on someone else's baggage? This man sounds like he still has a lot of growing up to do. You should never get involved in a relationship with someone who you have to change in order for them to be the right person for you. Because in the end you will be the one doing all the work for someone else's happiness.
Red flags for me:
Red flags for me:
-No custody agreement and is afraid of BM. He tried setting limits on BM and predictably, she responded by withholding the kid. And instead of seeing that as more evidence he needed to go to court and get a custody agreement, he backed down and lets BM control everything.
-Ignores you on weekends his kid is there. Everything is about the kid, instead of just integrating the kid into what you guys do for weekends.
-"Figuring out a career path" means no steady job. Jobs are plentiful right now, what's he waiting for?
- Takes out his stress on you.
- Manipulates you with guilt when you express how you feel - "I'd stay if I were in your shoes".
You are young. Go find a guy with no kids and have those firsts.
Go read my response on the
Go read my response on the New to Community blog right above yours. It's more or less the same for you. I'll give a brief summary:
You're NOT his emotional punching bag. HE has to figure out how to deal with his crazy ex and keep her crazy on a leash AND be a good parent AND be a good partner that doesn't dump all his frustrations out on you. If he doesn't know how to do that, then HE needs to find help to figure it out. Remember, YOU figured out something was wrong and sought help. HE is an adult who can do the same. ESPECIALLY since he is someone who had a child at an "appropriate" age - not a teenager who had a lot of things left to learn about themselves before having a kid.
So, don't let him off the hook just because BM is high conflict. Call him on his crap, tell him to get it together, and figure out what you want. You already you know you don't NEED him; you just WANT him. You can ask that he change, but if he doesn't or won't, you have to decide if you can put up with that long-term. No, he'll never make BM less crazy, but he can do a lot to make her presence less burdensome, especially to you.
Finally, we as a society have to STOP putting so much emphasis on every "first" being so much more special. It's not. Sure, it's new and exciting, but that doesn't make it better. This is especially true with kids, because younger siblings definitely feel it when they're not "the first". IF you and your BF decide to have kids (please don't right now), those kids will be special to you and BF. Those kids should be just as special to him as SS. There just aren't enough firsts in this world, especially as we age, to share with everyone we love and care about, so lets focus on sharing amazing experiences with the people we love versus being upset that the experience isn't "first". Hell, I've been to Disney World several times and it's my happy place, and it's ALWAYS fun and a new experience EACH time I go. I'm never less excited before going just because I've been there before. Same goes for nearly everything else.
Love is not enough.
Love is not enough.
You are 25 years old, please leave this relationship and live your life. Find someone who can be there for you. Someone you can share firsts with, someone who doesn't have so much baggage (which won't ever go away), someone who does not feel the need to manipulate you with lines like, "I would do it for you."
Where did he live before he moved in with you?
He needs to move out, and you need to move on.
100% all of this!
100% all of this!
OP, don't waste your life on someone else's mistakes.
Spend sometime reading here everyday
Read fellow stepmother's experiences regarding the day to day dealing with the HCBM's and the stepkids. Their day to day turmoils turn into month long turmoils and then you'll see stepmother's here like Evil4 who have been in the trenches for decades. Read what it has done to their lives and how it's killed their self worth and their self esteem and denied them a life filled with love and a stable family. You are 25. You can have it all. You really can. You have can the nuclear family with out the interlopings of a crazy person. It'll really wear you down. It'll give you PTSD. You dont have to choose this life.
Please take this to heart, OP
"His hypothetical "I would stay" means nothing beause he's not the one making the sacrifices."
Exactly. My DH once thanked
Exactly. My DH once thanked me for staying and said he doesn't think he would have if he were in my shoes.
You are 25 and have a wide
You are 25 and have a wide open spectrum of opportunities and possibilities. This guy has some real limitations and certainly has red flags waving.
Red Flag - moving in with you so fast... I'm guessing this was because he really didn't have a good living situation at the time.. perhaps living with family or friends? or in some less than ideal situation and you likely had a nice apartment. Or.. if he DID have the apartment and you moved in.. I'm sure that you footing some bills and being there to fulfill some mom type duties was also a driver.
Red Flag - 32 and doing "side jobs". You are 7 years younger and have your life together more than him? why is that.. is it because life has been "unfair" to him? is that his excuse? he should have a full time job.period at his age.
Red Flag - no CO. He will never be out from under his Ex's control without it..
Red Flag - He isn't that nice to you a lot of the time.
Red Flag - His Ex is HC... now.. some BM's are HC.. but I do realize that there are certain baby dad's that MAKE the BM crazy because they aren't holding up their end of the parenting rope and were a p poor partner in the past and they made the BM HC.
Red Flag - you are already having FOMO from knowing that things are never going to be the way you hoped.. you won't have firsts with him.
Red Flag - his child has issues that will likely have some impact on your home.. you don't have to sign up for that if you don't want to.
Red Flag.. your BF gaslights you with guilt.
So.. NO.. love is not enough.. if that is even what you really have going on with him. This guy is your ticket to a complicated, stressful and possibly miserable life. There are worse things than being alone and this situation is likely going to turn out that way for you.
You are young enough to start fresh and find a real partner.
You had me at 25
Im sorry for sounding a bit negative, but I would run far and fast away from this situation. You are young enough that you can have a family of your own. Please dont waste your precious time on this any longer. All the flags mentioned by the others are from experience.
I am bioless. And if I had to do it all over again - I doubt I would have - but seeing as how you want your own family, and are doing well for yourself - find someone who is like you without all the baggage. Someone who is also doing well for themselves. You cannot fix this. It doesnt get much better.
Love is not enough.