Need clarity and experienced opinion

Forums:

I come from a blended family. I've been separated for 3y, started dating last Spring. Met this awesome guy, we have a great connection, but he has not let go of the his past. Let me explain...

He also "separated" 3y ago. I say "separated" because the ex wife has moved into an apartment in his home and the 13 year old kid goes as he pleases between the two parents. Up until New Year's 2024, they have kept doing everything as a "family", which includes holidays, movie nights, family dinners, even weeks long vacation...

He has a hard time separating the ex-wife from the friend from the mother of his son...having daily contacts/check-ins about the sons day...

Every visits, dates or phone calls(most of them) have been according to everyone else's schedule but mine. I knew, starting to date someone in my late 40's that kids would be involved and every second weekend would be THE schedule as well as a week on/a week off. In this case it's only every second weekend, after 3 months of being in the picture. It's always at my place, easier because the son is not ready, needs time to get used to the idea that dad is dating and things are changing.

In my eyes, when you separate, it's simple. You become two family units. He has his family with mom and his family with dad. Am I wrong here? But the possibility of having me over at his place all depends on the 13year old and when he'll be comfortable, even if he's at his mom, not at his dad's... because it's still the "same" house.

When dad returns home, after spending 1-2 nights away from his son, he gets some attitude which then gives him the impression he needs to limit his time away from his son to have a better relationship with him.

Why does a guy need to keep the past in his present and future? How can you seriously get involved with someone else if you can't let go because of what it might do to your son? I think, if the son is not faced with these changes, he'll never be able to move on... What about what a new relationship can bring to that 13year old? Shouldn't it be important for him to see his father happy and alive? Through co-parenting, in it's real definition, this kid can see the value of maintaining an open communication between both his parents, he does not need for mom and dad to be present together for every moment of his life. School functions and birthday should be enough, no?

He's not ready

He's not ready for a new relationship. I suppose he and BM feel this arrangement minimizes trauma for the son but neiither can realistically move forward. He ought to just get back with her.

I'm sure the other StepTalkers will chime in with the same opinion. I hope you can cut any ties and save yourself some grief. This is a disaster for any stepmom.

JRI is right.

Your guy is definitely not ready to date anyone. Yeah he should just get back with his ex.

Agree with JRI and Kaylee

This man is not ready to date. Cut your losses. He's deeply enmeshed in the first family...and yeah...he just needs to go back to his ex.

If you continue with this guy, your life is going to be hell. Just read a few blogs here...I'm talking HELL.

RUN!

I can't say if this sort of

I can't say if this sort of "amicable" arrangement is better for the child or not but it is not conducive to the adults forming a new romantic relationship.
Luckily you see this early on and can nope out with relatively little time lost. You deserve more than the occasional guilty visit.

The other possibility is that this is all some sort of elaborate lie and he is still with his wife/ex and can only get away a couple nights a month.....

It does make me wonder if he

It does make me wonder if he is, in fact, just a married guy stepping out.

If this is what is working

If this is what is working for them and their kid, great, but neither should be dating, then. This is just a version of "staying together for the kids". So, if they get along better, and parent better, doing it this way, fine, but they can't expect to bring others into the relationship.

I would move on, if I were you.

Sounds like they’re still together.

And the wife isn't probably even aware of this "separation". Or she's hoping that they're "working things out". To me it just sounds like a newer version of "I still live with my wife, we haven't slept together for ages, so it's kind of the same as if we're separated, she's ok with me dating". Meanwhile, wife has no idea and thinks their relationship is fine. Have you met any of his family, friends, colleagues? Stay away, don't be the other (unwitting) woman.

I agree with the others. Even

I agree with the others. Even if this guy agrees that it's time to put more distance between him and his ex, his son and his ex are likely going to resent you for rocking their "amicable" boat. I can see why they think they're doing the right thing for their son. And they might be. But there's no room for other people in this arrangement. My husband and I (both previously married with kids) thought we had to put our kids first, and it blew up in our faces. We're now completely estranged from my husband's kids and most of his extended family. Which, frankly, works just fine for me. But less so for my husband. And as happy as we are to be on the other side of it, it was a heartbreaking journey and one that I wouldn't go through if I could do it all over again.

I agree with the others. Even

This fake failed happy family

This fake failed happy family bullshit is... just that. Bullshit.

The family has failed. Rather than play the facade of happy family, it is far better to rip the BandAid off, get the new structure in place, and stop deluding the kid with the bullshit. IMHO of course.

You are far better off ending this immediately, full stop. block all contact, and get on with your own life.

For darned sure make sure to get your separation to the divorce is final stage ASAP and never play the tingly bits game with someone who is not fully divorced with a very firm custody and visitation Court Order in place.

Do not torture yourself with this failed man and his fake happy failed familly baggage.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

Good luck.

Separated but still sharing

Separated but still sharing the same home even if she has an "apartment" in the home. Why aren't they divorced?

It sounds like he wants the "intact" family illusion with a girlfriend on the side so he can get his needs met for intimacy.

He is not avaiable. He's

He is not avaiable. He's still dragging around his baggage and until he puts it down, unpacks it, puts it all away and stores his suitcase in the attic, he has no business starting something with you.

I'm sorry, but no, no, and no

I'm sorry, but no, no, and no. Even though my DH's ex was three hours' away and they had been divorced for 5 years when we met, they were playing that family unit game and he was allowing her way too much control over his life. She had convinced him that "the kids" had a hard time with him dating. At the time, they spent some holidays together, too. I think, if my memory is correct, that he had also been invited on vacations with them. But anyone he dated was not part of the picture. His sister warned him that this was not healthy for a divorced couple--they were giving the kids hope that mommy and daddy would be getting back together.

Even though the ex was not in our town, his neighborhood, or his house, she made sure that her presence was very much felt because he allowed it and bought into her controlling scheme. I had never been in that situation before, and I had no idea that it would take years to shake her off like the poisonous leech she is--and there was bigtime punishment for that. Run.

Although DH and I have (mostly) enjoyed our marriage and (amazingly) worked through most of the hell--our primary saving grace was geographical distance from the family cult--to be honest, it was hell, there are still repercussions, and there are times I wish someone had told me to put on my running shoes back then.

This ball of twine is so

This ball of twine is so tangled.. and has been for so long.. that there is no way to get it undone without cutting a lot of it up.. and that "damages" the strings.

I wonder if perhaps (assuming they really are split).. they did this for a few reasons.. maybe the financially.. this allowed them to use their existing home so that financially they wouldn't be paying for two separate homes.

Also.. I have heard of the dynamic where parents shift in and out of the family home.. so the kids don't have to endure the changes.

BUT.. that kind of thing is only workable when the parents are committed to being faithful to that relationship.. NEW partners? those don't work in this scenario.

Because... NO.. you are never going to go to "his place".. because his place is also his Ex'es.. that also means that for the forseeable future.. he will not live with you.. he will maintain his primary residence with his child..

The fact that they still did so much else.. also is worrisome.. I mean... why separate? I guess unless it's a super oddball situation.. like his Ex decided she did want to be with a man.. but was LBTQ in some way? .. OR.. the kid has some serious disabilities that require caregiving.. so both parents being close is less burdendsome? why not just stay married to the person you are happily having family meals and vacations with?

I would break up with him.. because he is not ready to be in a relationship.. because.

1. he is still married and with his ex and lying to you.

2. He is more devoted to his child's happiness... and won't ever allow you in further.. so you will never get him to commit fully to you.

3. He is broke and mooching off the ex? or vice versa.. and that dynamic isn't changing.

He’s not ready for a new relationship?

Who cares. You just can't live that way. I can not . People who want a new relationship, don't live with there ex. Dont spend everyday wiith there kids and the ex doing birthday, holidays, They should not be talking to each other, not spending time like that You will be the fourth wheel

This is not an awesome guy.

This is not an awesome guy. He's not able or willing to be all-in with you. It doesn't matter why, it's that he's just not that guy who is totally with you. You deserve better. Don't settle for crumbs or for the possibility that you're the other woman. Toss this guy back and go for someone who wants to be all-in with you so much that he will make that happen.

How dare your SO, hopefully stbx, get involved with you when he can only toss you the crummy every second weekend crap full of excuses. He has a lot of nerve. He's not awesome at all. I hope you see that after reading the comments.

Throw this one back. You are

Throw this one back. You are basically dating a married man. They separated three years ago but haven't divorced yet. Divorces don't take that long. He might as well get back with his wife.

I know for me...

I would not to live as the new partner in this setup. There are several dealer breakers you've laid out...

#1- he lives with his ex

#2- he takes vacaitons with his ex

#3- he has family dinners with his ex and their kid

I'm not speaking for anyone else, but for me, I would not be able to be in a relationship with someone who is still doing these things with the person they married before me.

Take care of you.