need advice please
So a little background. My fiance and I have been together for about a year and a half. He has two children with two different women, one is 8 and he has a great relationship with her mom and the other is 2 and a half and she currently lives with her mother's parents and he has visitation every other weekend.
When we first met, he had just broken up with the mother number 2 because she cheated on him. She was causing us trouble in the beginning, trying to get back together with him, keeping his daughter away from him, causing him legal trouble by getting him arrested by making up that he assaulted her (charges were dismissed). Eventually she ended up getting into trouble with drugs and got arrested for theft, went to rehab, got out, was on probation, didn't show up for court and now has a warrant for her arrest. Her parents were keeping my fiance's daughter away from him because those were her wishes during this time but he ended up going to court and getting visitation few months ago and now he sees her every other weekend. Her parents have been claiming they don't know where she is so she has been out of the picture for about a year.
Recently he found out on facebook that she got engaged to the guy she cheated on him with and they are expecting a baby together soon. Now it appears that she completely abandoned her daughter with my fiance and my fiance is talking about getting a full custody and I need advice about that. If she is really gone, should I try to raise the girl as my own and maybe even adopt her? She is young enough that she will not remember the mom. I don't have any kids and I am not sure I want any.
I thought being with him I would get best of both worlds, basically children part time but that might now completely change and I might need to raise another woman's child. I don't know how I feel about that, I love him but she caused so many issues in our relationship in the beginning and we almost broke up because of her that it's hard not to project those feelings onto the child especially since I do not really have a relationship with the child as most of my relationship with him he didn't see her at all. The child is going through a difficult stage right now and so being around her is not easy. I really don't have many issues with the 8 year old, I treat her like an aunt or an adult friend, I do not parent her and I prefer it that way. Anyway I am not sure how to really handle the situation and any advice would be appreciated.
Whoa..... Even if your
Whoa.....
Even if your boyfriend sues for full custody, which I think he should consider if he feels he is a better home than the Inlaws, there is no way you could adopt this child. The mother would have to legally terminate all of her parental rights, which is not the same of giving up custody.
I think you are moving a little too fast here. It appears your cart is before your horse. You aren't even married to this guy, and right now he is only exercising minimal visitation.
How about HE work through what HE wants to do as far as custody, and then the two of you can discuss where that leaves the two of you.
Yes we are engaged and since
Yes we are engaged and since we are engaged I figured that I should be a part of the discussion regarding the custody of the child. The mother is living in another state with her fiance and is pregnant again and from what I understand has been out of the child's life for about a year. She might decide to come back at some point but I don't want to be in a situation where I am raising her daughter and then she comes back to claim her few years down the road. That's where the adoption question is coming from.
He was raising the daughter along with the mother for the first year of the daughter's life. Then the mother cheated on him, they broke up and she moved out. That's when I started to date him and the mother began using the daughter against him and would keep her away from him then call last minute and ask him to take her etc. He thought she would come to her senses once more time passed since the break up but then about six months later she ended up accusing him of assault and they ended up getting restraining orders against each other. She then ended up getting arrested and going to rehab and the child was staying at her parents' house who refused to let my fiance see her because those were the mother's wishes. She got out of rehab few months later and my fiance thought they would agree on visitation at that time but she left town and didn't show up for court. He then got an attorney and got visitation (neither the mother nor the parents showed up for court). The attorney is now talking about full custody for him but I think he was hesitant until it was confirmed that the mother was really gone. He only found out in the last few days that she is actually living out of state with this other man and is pregnant.
I don't know and actually I
I don't know and actually I don't think I do. But if the mom is completely out of the picture and the child lives with me would I not have to behave like a mother? I am just trying to figure out how to do that and also protect myself from the mother potentially coming back to claim her in few years once I am raising her. I don't see how one can disengage from parenting a two year old living with you full time whose other parent is out of the picture. I am just trying to be prepared
Well we are about to move in
Well we are about to move in with each other so I need to think about this. Yes I can see the negatives of adoption. I am not saying I want to adopt her but at the same time I don't want to behave like a mother to a child that's not mine whom I can lose if the bio mother comes back. I don't want the responsibility and I don't want to get attached and potentially lose her either (as you pointed out not only if bio mother comes back but what if my fiance and I divorce? I will have no custody rights)
So what is left? Have her living with me but treat her like I treat the 8 year old? Leave all the parenting to him? Try not to get too attached? Leave them alone while I go hang out with my girlfriends and live the childfree life?
A bit of advice?? Hold off on
A bit of advice??
Hold off on living together. If he's considering full custody that will throw all things off in his world.
I know you're looking at it as "our (meaning his and yours)" world but you have to be realistic on this and understand one thing. Your BF has two kids, one of whom he is considering taking on full custody.
The other thing you need to realize, even with your good intentions, you are NOT this child's mother. You are not to behave like her mother. Or do things that a mother would do for their child. You do NOT want to get into that cycle at this point in your relationship with your BF.
Let things play out for your BF regarding custody. Let him get a routine down regarding his daughter, discipline, school, day-care, behavioral issues as a result of BM abandoning her, etc.
You honestly have no idea of the mine field you'll be walking into if you move in with your BF at this point in the game.
Step-parenting is a CHORE. It's the most difficult thing most of us have ever done and from what I've been told most of the SMs on here that are also bio-moms would rather give birth to an elephant than go through step-parenting ever again.
Sit down with your BF and find out what he plans to do. Most of all, you do not want him leaning on you for the care and upbringing of this child. At some point this will make you resentful at best, mean and angry at worst. You truly don't understand the emotional, mental and physical cost that comes with raising a child (that is not yours) with a BM still floating around there somewhere. As Dtzy pointed out, she could show up on your doorstep at any moment.
Please, please slow this train down. Take the advice from seasoned SMs who have already worn down the soles of the SM shoes from the hundreds and thousands of miles we've all walked.
In no way will any of this turn out as rainbows and bunnies for you, your BF or his two girls.
Ok so what do I do? How do I
Ok so what do I do? How do I behave once he gets full custody and we move in together? How do I keep my distance from a two year old living with me full time whose mother is not in the picture? I don't want to get too attached and frankly I don't want to have the responsibility to raise a child full time. So how do you disengage in this situation? Can I make this work?
What do you do??? Walk
What do you do??? :? Walk away?
This man is heading downna path you clearly don't wish to take. Move on and find a man who is on the same path you're on.
You can make this work but
You can make this work but only by stepping back and letting your BF learn how to deal with this on his own first.
I know it sounds heartless, because your instinct is to help him and help this child. But what ends up happening to many SMs is that we end up with the burden of raising these kids without any of the authority.
Again...please do not move in with your BF until after he has obtained custody. Trust me. I moved in with my now H before he had custody of his kid, before we were married and it was pure hell. And his kid was 12 at the time.
You are answering your own
You are answering your own question. You're not in a place in your life where you WANT to be a full-time, 24/7 mother -- step or not. No harm, no foul.
Ask everyone what their life looks like with a young child in the house. No solo vacations, no weekends spent curled up in bed, TV shows become Disney/G-rated, your bed will be filled with a young child who has nightmares or is ill and you become very, very familiar with vomit and boogers ... money that you could spend on Amazon or Victoria Secrets will go to the child's clothing and food and daycare and ... Young children can take over your Life and your home. Little buggers.
You have repeatedly said that you don't want the responsibility at this time in your life. You don't have to ... DON'T MOVE IN. Keep dating if you'd like, keep your options open, keep your own place, see how you feel in a year.
For your sake and frankly, for the child's sake, don't move in. Wish that more women would think before they jumped into this type of situation. Good for you for trying to foresee your future over the next 20 years ! I'd be very cautious no matter how much I loved the man.
Ok so short of breaking up
Ok so short of breaking up what I am gathering is that I should step back right now, put our move in together on hold until he figures out the custody and establishes his routine with the child first and then we can talk about where to go next in our relationship?
I think he is trying to do it the other way around, moving together and then getting custody of the child because then I can help to raise her etc. I just don't know how I feel about that. I do think that he should first get custody while we continue dating and make sure he can raise her on his own and then I can start getting more and more involved and we can eventually move in together.
I just feel like he will be hurt that I don't want to jump fully into it immediately.
Is this my shortcoming
Is this my shortcoming though? Should he look for another partner who would be more enthusiastic to immediately raise his daughter with him? Am I a selfish person for not wanting to do that and for wanting him to establish the routine with his daughter first and make sure he can and wants to raise her all on his own?
Since we are engaged isn't it my responsibility to help him with this?
"I think he is trying to do
"I think he is trying to do it the other way around, moving together and then getting custody of the child because then I can help to raise her etc."
BIG RED FLAG HERE.
He should want to get custody of his child because that's the right thing to do, NOT because he has a girlfriend to help raise his child for him. And what will wind up happening is YOU will be the one doing all the work. Just read on these forums, many times the guy ONLY wants to get custody of his child because NOW he has a girlfriend that he can dump his kids on.
"I just don't know how I feel about that. I do think that he should first get custody while we continue dating and make sure he can raise her on his own and then I can start getting more and more involved and we can eventually move in together."
Trust your gut feeling here. If you had a child, would you expect your BF to raise your child as his own? Your fiance should not look for ANYONE to raise his daughter with him, he should be looking for someone to share HIS life with. You're marrying him, not his daughter. The relationship you have with this child should be the same as what you have with the 8 year old, like an aunt.
I think you are more concerned with what your BF wants than what you want. It's not selfish to put your own needs and wants first. Putting yourself on the backburner even for the noblest of intentions will only lead to resentment, bitterness and a lifetime of regret.
Stop worrying about what your BF wants, and ask yourself - what do you want?