Need advice
Hi everyone. I'm in a bit of a situation and wondered if you could help me. I'm with a divorced dad of 4, we've been together for a couple of years now. I'm 40 and he is 47.
Problem is that BM keeps calling him and they have an amicable relationship. It bothers me. They most often talk when I'm not around and he doesn't tell me about what they've spoken about or even that she called sometimes. I've tried to talk to him about it but he just doesn't want to know. He gets so defensive and angry. He says he has to for the sake of the children. He says it's no big deal that she calls him all the time etc., he loves me and is with me. But I don't get it, he doesnt need to speak to her unless there's an emergency with the kids. He doesn't need to see her but he does when he goes to pick up the kids for example. (They are between 12-15). I'm at my wits end with it all. Also the kids hate me and are mean to me so when they come over I end up hiding to avoid the abuse.
I was single and not married with no kids when we met. He has told me he doesn't want kids, I would love my own child, and seeing him with his kids and the bond he has with BM makes me want one even more. But he doesn't want more children. When we met he was keen on marriage but when I asked him recently he said what's the rush.
What do I do?
You want marriage and kids
You want marriage and kids and BF doesn't. You are in a relationship where you feel insecure and an outsider. He is being honest with you about who he is and what he wants.
To be brutally honest, you're with the wrong guy for you. If you stay you will never be happy because you are not on the same page. You are not going to change him and will you be happy by changing yourself for him?
run for the hills asap
run for the hills asap
Your partner doesn't seem to
Your partner doesn't seem to care at all about any of your needs or wants, and is still enmeshed with his exW. If this is the kind of life you are prepared to tolerate, fine, but in my opinion it's no life really.
Sounds to me like BM is still
Sounds to me like BM is still pining away for him and has turned the kids against you. He's playing into it, intentionally or otherwise, by not setting clear boundaries on her.
I agree with the others - throw this one back.
I think she is too. She's
I think she is too. She's apparently with someone else now but I think it's just to make him jealous. He plays into it, don't know if he sees what I see though. Why won't he listen to me and set boundaries like I ask. He keeps blaming it on the situation, but he is divorced and yes he has kids but what's that got to do with her daily.
You must realize it’s not going to get better
Your wishes should be considered, like no phone calls only e mails or texts with BM. He is give BM control of your relationship and life. Four years in the grand scheme of life isn't that long.
Better to start think to get out now or twenty years from now it is going to feel the same.
You should come first. What is not happening now
It hurts so so so much that
It hurts so so so much that he won't take on board any of my feelings and wishes. It makes me question myself, maybe I'm not being understanding etc. I've tried to be though, I can't help feeling this way, I wish I didn't. Worse thing is that I think if I said I can't do this anymore he will be upset but will let me go, I don't think he will fight for me to stay even if he wants me to, he's not that type.
PAS, No marriage/kids = time to go
Sadly, I think based on what you said at the end there, about the kids "hating you", I think the BM is poisoning them against you and she is inserting herself into your SO's life, trying to get his attention and keep it. The 2-pronged approach.
So that, together with you wanting your own children and marriage and the whole enchelada, this is a recipe for leaving. You dont want the misery that comes with PAS (parental alienation syndrom) and a toxic bio parent with a dollop of enmeshment. Not when the world is out there with what you truly want.
Thank you all for your advice
Thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate your time to help me. All of your comments lead to the same conclusion - to leave. It's so hard, I guess I was hoping he would change his mind about kids. I thought we would be married by now. I never expected him to not want to 'rush' into marriage because from day one he's the one that kept saying he can't wait to make me his wife. I thought his ex-wife would be out of the picture (unless something major with the kids) but she isn't and he won't even let me say anything about it, or listen, or understand where I'm coming from.
You're all right, I should run for the hills. But why can't I do it? We are settled and have a good routine. I'm 40, what if I can't find anyone else. What if I am letting a good one go. What if I can't even have kids, I am 40 after all. So many things go through my mind. I cant bring myself to have the courage to leave, as silly as it sounds.
Kids abusing you
When your SO sees the kids abusing you, what does he do about it?
Yeah, I thought so. Really think about this, because this will be your life if you cant leave. And it gets worse, without intervention, it gets so much worse.
Get your finances lined up, find a new place to live. Continue dating. If hes not wanting to "rush things", then he wont be upset about you getting some distance.
He tells them off, but the
He tells them off, but the next time they come over it's the same. I just hide away because I don't want to be around all that
Good for you
You deserve a relationship where someone shares your life goals and sticks up for you. This is not the right relationship for you so its great that your recognizing that.
Thank you. I'm really
Thank you. I'm really questioning why I'm staying. And if I want to. Telling him my feelings and what I want hasn't worked in the slightest, and that hurts so much. I know I need to think hard about it and get the courage to turn my back on this as it's clear it's not going anywhere unless I give up my desires
"What if I am letting a good
"What if I am letting a good one go"
Let's take a vote on that one shall we? I doubt the outcome would be favourable.
Look at this like it is:
So what are his good points? Why would you want to continue down this path? What's in it for you? You say you're settled and have a good routine. Read that again, lady. FFS, you are only FORTY not NINETY! You have your life ahead of you! Now you can carry on like that for the sake of security while ruining your health with the stress or break free from this pointless relationship and start anew with none of the surrounding crap. What's it to be? Security and stress or a brave new world?
You've completely understood
You've completely understood what I am saying down to a tee! Why can't he! Why won't he take my feelings on board. You're right, I guess I'm staying 1) for the sake of security and not being alone 2) when it's good it's great, but of course it's not long before things get back to how they were.
I know that every relationship has it's good and bad points. What if my next relationship is worse and I give this up. But then you're right I'm only 40!
It's so hard
If I was you I would think
If I was you I would think about what you would like your life to be in 2 to 5 years. Make goals for yourself. From the relationship you are in now I think someone with your desires would be more significant.
And what if....
the life of your dreams is just around the corner? That is what I would focus on.
That life would be without a lousy BF and abusive bratty skids. BUT you miss it cause you are hiding in your room and still with the lousy BF and abusive brats.
Flip the script...get out and enjoy a damn good life!
You have your answer
As hard as it is, he couldn't be making it any clearer that he has no plans to consider your feelings or your future in any of this. Almost sounds like he doesn't care at all. Honestly if you are serious about wanting a child of your own - you can't afford to waste another minute with this guy. He doesn't have any intention of having any more kids and I can't see him budging on that at all. You need to make the decision if that's a dealbreaker for you - it would be for me. It's not just that one issue you don't agree on - there is all the other crap aswell and that's not likely to get easier anytime soon either. Taking all that into consideration, you have to weigh up if the relationship is worth that massive sacrifice - especially when he won't make any for you.
I would like to have a child
I would like to have a child of my own. If it's still possible and my body clock allows. You're right, it's not just one thing, it's lots of things. Why won't he care, why won't he listen, why won't he consider my feelings and change, it's heartbreaking
he will never ever fight for
he will never ever fight for you ,, this will NEVER change. I bet he would still fight for his ex wife though ,,, put that one to the test,, i bet he would bite your head off if you said nasty things about her ,,, but he wouldnt defend you. I went year after year saying all the things you have been saying ......8 years later do you think anything changed ? NOPE! I got the hell out. He never fights for you because he doesnt really care ,, im sorry if that sound harsh,, dont think your not a good catch,,hes just to balless to do anything. he sounds super self centered and will only always ever care about something if it serves in his interest. move back to your own house , cleanse yourself of his spoilt rude brats and move on . why the hell would you want to be involved with all that anyway?? whats so good about him that makes you put up with all this shit ? have a good think about that