At my wits end

Forums:

This is my first post and there's a lot going on which has led to my feelings today.

The basis of my situation is that I live with my partner and his 13yr old. And we have his 3 younger kids (ages 7-9) over 4 nights a week.

13 yr old is really great, he has an absent mother so he sees me as a mum and we are very close.

The younger 3 who are from his previous relationship are very good with me when they are on their own (except one), but then 2 or 3 of them at a time and they are very rude and disobedient. In my opinion, they are very difficult to discipline. So much so, that the school has intervened as well.

My SO sleeps in until mid day every day and leaves me to parent them from 7am until he gets up. He does not work. I really struggle to parent them and it feels as though they have no respect towards me and they use the fact that I am parenting on my own to their advantage. Whenever I bring this up to him he gets very verbally nasty and I end up in tears and keeping myself to myself for the rest of the day, which by the way, also gets criticised.

The youngest three's mother lives in the same small town and my SO has a "friendship" relationship with her. I try to get on with her for everyone's sake and to keep the peace but I really don't like her so much as a person. Different views, different attitudes etc. They text and call each other a lot which most of the time isn't about the kids and that makes me feel uncomfortable. I have tried to bring it up to him and he gets very angry and tells me to get over it etc. I should also mention that she makes inappropriate and vulgar comments around him and to him over text.

I am so confused as to whether my feelings around all of this is unnecessary due to the kids.

I don't know how else to be around the younger three.

I am very lost and feel very down.

He's a lazy parent and he is

He's a lazy parent and he is using you as a replacement babysitter. He might actually care for you, I'm not saying he doesn't BUT it doesn't sound like he is ready to be in a relationship with anyone because he still emotionally in a relationship with his Ex and using you as a referee for his children. A real FATHER would parent his own kids and have boundaries for his ex to the point of a good co-parenting relationship that includes the new partners. You are just his girlfriend so you should be able to sleep in or get up and leave whenever up want to. He's living your freedom. I'm sure you'll say "oh well I don't mind helping with the kids" NOPE! Reverse it right there my friend because you are enabling his lazy parenting. You are doing it all so he can do nothing and when it goes to shit YOU will be the one feeling failure and/or used. Tell him to get up and fix breakfast for his kids, tell him it's his responsibility to monitor them while they are there and to engage with them, tell him if he can't handle it then he needs to send them back to their moms because you didn't birth them and no amount of YOU stepping up for him to be lazy is going to work out in a good way. They have a mom and a dad, enjoy you're unobligatory role of Dad's fun partner.

I really needed to hear this!

Seeing what other people think of the situation has put things in a whole new perspective for me.
Thank you for your response!

This is unacceptable!!!!! Do

This is unacceptable!!!!! Do NOT accept this behavior!!!! Definitely do not have a baby with this "man". The children are NOT your responsibility!!! He doesn't work, 4 kids???? Wow!!!! Any descent man would take whatever job he could to provide for his children!!! You need to take care of yourself!!!! Go out for dinner with friends, visit family, get up early and go for a walk r bike ride etc.... Whatever you want, let him figure out when he wants to get up and feed his children!!!!!!!

I have a 4 year old, I DO NOT SLEEP IN, NO NAPS, exhausted mentally and physically, gave up all.of my routines, that is what we do for our kiddos!!!!

So the kids at your place 4x a week??? He has a goid relationship with the mother?? Ot seems like they are BOTH taking advantage of your kindness!!!! He does NOT respect you!!!!! A relationship without respect is just painful and eventually ends badly, get out now! Do not prolong your pain and stress, it will leave long lasting effects on your soul... You deserve better.

This is unacceptable!!!!! Do

I have a 4 year old, I DO NOT SLEEP IN, NO NAPS, exhausted mentally and physically, gave up all.of my routines, that is what we do for our kiddos!!!!

WTF?! He has 4 kids, doesn't

WTF?! He has 4 kids, doesn't work and doesn't get up until noon? Great deal he has going there! Don't you mind being his unpaid maid, nanny, cook, etc? This isn't just being used, it's being exploited!

OK, a few questions:

Any children of your own?
Do you work?
How old are you?
Who pays the bills?
How long have you been with this lazy boor?

Hello,

thank you for responding.

So, no I don't have any kids of my own or with him. I'm 27, he's 30. We pay the bills equally, he's on benefits and I'm self employed which takes up about 40 hours a week of my time and I bring in about £1500-£2000 a month. We've not been together too long, since March 2019.
I have never seen this situation that way before, he says that going into a relationship with someone who already has kids requires all of this, but it just doesn't sit right?!

Thank you.

What, being in a relationship

What, being in a relationship with someone with kids requires that YOU get up and parent while he sleeps in? No - he's manipulating you.

Go in the bedroom with a pot and a spoon and wake his lazy ass up to take care of his own kids.

Or better yet, end this relationship and find a man who cares about your feelings and needs.

Well, for starters, yoiu

Well, for starters, yoiu shuldn't be paying equally. He has 3 kids there over half the time and one there full time. You should only be paying a fraction of the bills, as in less than 1/3. Why should you be footing the bill for what his kids eat and use? Not only that but your rent is going to be much higher in order to have enough bedrooms for his brood. He's going to cling to you like crazy I'm afraid because not only are you doing his job for him, you're paying for the privilege.

If were you, I'd be out of there. You have a whole future to look forward to - why be a drudge for someone who is so ungrateful? Chalk the time spent with him up to experience and break free of this appalling situation. No man is worth that much.

No, being with someone with

No, being with someone with kids does not!!!!!!!! My fiance has 12, 14, and 15!!!

We have been together for 5 years. He cooks, cleans, pays all of the bills at 100% and it is my house!!! (He lost his home going through nasty child support/ custody etc).

I do NOT discipline his kiddos.... My choice... If I have an issue, I discuss with him in private, he addresses it with kiddos later.... Overall, they are good, respectful children...., which says a lot about him as a parent!!!!

Of course there are issues as in any relationship, but a man that tells you, "Get over it" and doesn't take your feelings into account is telling you he DOES NOT care!!! You have NO NEED to put up with this!!! No kids!!! Easy, get out now!!!!!!!! You set the bar, the expectations for how you want to be treated and how you want live your life!!!

Even if they were your bio

Even if they were your bio kids as well, lying in bed until midday leaving you to do everything, and work is unacceptable. He is well and truly taking advantage of you. He needs to get off his lazy arse and look after his kids!

Leave

What are you getting out of this relationship? He is extremely self serving and immature. He needs to get his ass out of bed and parent his children. Why are you getting up and taking care of them? And he then has the nerve to get angry with you that you don't just accept this situation?

You are being walked all over, taken advantage of and mistreated. Walk away. There is nothing here for you. You deserve better.

This loser is abusive. It

This loser is abusive. It will escalate from verbal to physical intimidation. Kick his ass out!!

Welcome to the site!

Your partner - I hesitate to use the word partner, as in no sense does he behave like a partner to you - is exploiting you and abusing your generosity. My advice to you is to leave his nasty, lazy, selfish ass and reclaim your own life.

So much wrong here. 4 kids, 2

So much wrong here. 4 kids, 2 BMs, inappropriate relationship with one BM, disobedient kids, no job, expects you to pay half and watch the kids while he lazes. Any one of these would be difficult and would maybe be a deal breaker if he didn't address, but all of these? Jesus. He thinks that by virtue of him impregnating so many people so many times, he deserves for you or another woman to put up with all this?! 27 with no kids, you are a catch. He is a loser and a user. Please find someone better. He will be fine. People like him usually move on to the next victim quickly. Don't take it as an insult. Go no contact, don't follow him on social media, and find a childless man. Or at least someone better than this.

You have gotten

You have gotten some excellent advice here but I have a question for you. You are a business owner at 27 so you obviously have your act together. If you had to tell a stranger in real life about this man that you are involved with - that he refuses to work, refuses to take care of his own children, sleeps until noon, and yells at you when you object to him being inappropriate with his ex - would you be embarassed? Would you not think that the person would reasonably wonder why such an accomplished person is selling herself so short to a slacker of a man rather than finding someone who is her equal?

This guy may be handsome or charming or good in bed but none of those things make up for being one of life's losers. Real grownups work for a living (unless they have a genuine disability and even then they find a way to contribute to society to the best of their ability) and they take care of their kids. I respectfully suggest that you give serious thought to why you are settling for someone who is unwilling to fully embrace adulthood when you seem to manage it quite well.

he says that going into a

he says that going into a relationship with someone who already has kids requires all of this

No, no it does not. It absolutely does not.

You are being used. Find somebody who has the same values and goals as you do, and who has respect for you. This guy ain't it.

OH MY GOSH LADY!!! please get

OH MY GOSH LADY!!! please get out of this NOW!!! this is a terrible situation. what was he doing before you came along or was he still in a half arsed relationship with the BM still? who was raising the kids for him then?? please this is a terrible situiation that you dont need in your life, he sounds like a pure asshole! I assume its your house by the sounds of it ....kick this lazy user out now

you are being used for your

you are being used for your free babysitting and financial contributions. i am so sorry. the sooner you leave this user of a person the better off you will be. please do yourself a favor and leave this relationship before you are left financially and emotionally destitute.

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