My SO has cancer
We found out on Thursday and are completely devastated. It's quite advanced. We've been together 7 years but We're not married and all my fears look set to come true. I have no legal say. It's not the inheritance that worries me (I have my own assets) but more balancing the needs of the skids and the needs of us. The skids don't know yet as they are on holiday and whilst I feel so sad for them, I'm also preparing for the miniwife battle which I really don't need.
what matters is my SO's recovery and I'll take deep breaths if things get tense but does anyone have any tips on how to handle this situation?
The BM messaged me and said she was here for me which was very kind but I am keeping her at arms length as I need the boundaries in place. But as the unmarried partner, I have zero rights.
I'm so sorry
What devastating news. Hoping for the best possible outcome.
Thank you so much x
Thank you so much x
You have time
To get your and SO Affairs in order. The faster the better. Thes things can always be changed in the future. But you have no legal say in any matter. Doeshe want some hospital person making decisions? Does he want his kids fighting each other for power and $..You need a power of attorney and other things
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
Notarized affidavits and power of attorneys can give you legal say. You could also get married.
Im so sorry you are going through this
You mentioned on your last post that youve been on here a while and would speak on it. Im sorry you and your SO are going through this - This is the kind of thing we all fear and try to guard against. Just hunker down for the battle if he is fighting and include the skids, but have your boundaries up.
Thank you
Thank you Clove.
Yes, I did say I would and then didn't!5 get round to it. Sorry! Like many on here there are plenty of stories to share. I think what many will relate to, is that the other people in our lives are not evil. SO is not a bad person, the skids aren't awful. The situation could have been better but no one is evil. So I do like your comment about involving the skids because it is their dad and they love him. My father also has cancer so I know what they are going to feel soon.
To enforce the boundaries, I'll need to have a bit more power than I have right now. I'll gently bring things up around this subject.
attorney asap
I am so sorry for SO's diagnosis. It's a lot to take in.
While it's extremely hard to do in the moment, SO needs to think about who he wants to handle things if/when he is unable. Adult children? You? He's got a minor child. What does he need to do for that child if the unthinkable happens?
If SO does nothing, the laws of his residence apply. SO needs to see a lawyer, find out the applicable law, and execute documents that will ensure his wishes are followed.
Right now, if you lived in most states, his adult children would be in the driver's seat.
Yes, here too. They could if
Yes, here too. They could if they wanted stop me even being in the hospital. I don't think they would, but they are next of kin. I know they will also try and get the BM involved. More than I think necessary. That I cannot abide. But how far do you push your agenda when your loved one is sick?
do i just stay quiet for the greater good... do I not...I can't right say anything now as I have no say...
this is a huge lesson to others. Don't settle to be the girlfriend if it is a serious relationship. Fight for your power x
Contact a lawyer and get paper work drawn up giving you rights.
Contact a lawyer and get paperwork drawn up giving you rights. In the US it would be a power of attorney, I'm sure there is something similar in your country. Your SO needs a strong will that spells out every last detail of his estate and his funeral and end of life care. You are right to be concerned, but you have time to get everything in order. It would not be unheard of for a couple in your situation to just get married, if that is an option. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I would lock it up in every
I would lock it up in every way possible. Marry. That ends any ability for the mini-wife to interfere and she then has zero option but to do what she is told when she is told.
That pretty much puts his kids in their place. You are his wife, they have no authority.
Draw up a Will clearly stipulating distribution of assets or naming each other sole heir and beneficiary.
Get an attorney to draw up clear paperwork namng you durable power of attorney over medical decisions and DH's estate. That can include assurance to your DH that his kids will benefit from his estate upon his passing. If that is in fact what he wants. As his Executrix you are held to his wishes as stipulated in his Will. Including being able to smack a mini-wife with a rolled up copy of his Will if necessary when they step out of line.
My condolences on the Dx and please take care of yourself and DH as you address this challenge.
Hugs for you. This is a hard
Hugs for you. This is a hard road to travel.
This must be so devastating..
This must be so devastating..
I agree with other's assessment.. now is the time to see where the rubber meets the road.
You and he need to have a meeting of the minds with what he wants done with his estate.. does he want you to inherit anything? Are you beneficiaries? Does he want to set up a medical power of attorney.. stipulating you are "in charge"
These may not be happy discussions.. but knowing what can be done to protect your rights to at the very least be by his side when he passes... is important.. he does also have to decide how any assets he has will be distributed.. he has 3 kids.. andyou say you don't need it.. that may be fine.. but he needs to finally decide what he wants to happen.. if he owns the home you live in.. that should also be addressed.. do you get a right to stay for some period of time?
Thank you
It is devastating. Thank you all for your advice. We definitely need to have these difficult conversations and I need to get my name on the tenancy which is fine to do so. Just never got round to it. Should he pass, I don't see myself staying in this country. I would probably move back to my home country, but in the interim I will need the certainty of a home.
Medical power of attorney sounds like a good idea. I'll look into that. Also funeral arrangements should it come to it.
It's actually been lovely that it is the two of us dealing with the appointments (a calm before the storm when his kids find out). They will rightly be shocked but then will come the histrionics and I can't deal with that.
he has no will, and in this country everything he has in that case goes to the skids. But this is where I worry. A lot of the stuff in the flat is mine. And his guitars and equipment, they won't treasure at all.
I'd love to enter a registered partnership at least so I can have some kind of protection and a say. But that convo is for another day. Today is about CT scans and MRIs.
Thank you for your kind words everyone x
Hospital, death, inheritance, control
All get crazy when thing happen. You must see a lawer ASAP. see whee you stand see your oppitions. Marrage, power of attorney? Will. Lawers know the law where you live. Protect yourself
I am very sorry to read this
I am very sorry to read this news.
Before your boyfriend starts treatment, get married at the court house or in your back yard.
Either he wants to protect you or not.
It's one step at a time
My SO has had cancer twice in the 8 years we are together. We are not formally married. It was difficult. All I can say is one step and one day at a time. Skids might be a hit or miss. My skids were like in their mid teens, and it looked like they didn't care that much, and there were a couple of horrific episodes regarding their behaviour where I had to lose my temper and practically tell them to go to hell and be more empathetic with my SO that was going through a difficult battle...
I decided to ask that their BM would not send those spawns when SO was recently out of surgery the couple of times, had had a chemo session or radiation. For her to keep thim a few more days (or extra week) so I could dedicate my time to take care of SO, and for SO to be able to rest.
Be strong!! And also take care of yourself.