My SO has 3 children with 3 women. Advice desperately needed.
I'm almost afraid to even write and post this, for fear of hearing things I don't want to hear. But I am in over my head and only been a member of this site for a few hours and already feel better about some things, and better prepared to deal with them.
I'm in my 30s, no kids, never been married, work full time. My SO is someone I absolutely adore and have known since childhood. When I first ran into him again after college, he had a 9-year old son from a brief relationship with an on-again-off again relationship with a woman he met while in high school. They were never formally "together," and had an amzing co-parenting relationship. From what little I saw and from what he told me(we probably saw each other for about a month before each going separate ways; this was over four years ago now), they communicated a reasonable amount, the kid was very well adjusted, both parents were respectful to each other and contributed an equal amount of time and money to the raising of their child. All good, right?
Fast forward about two years, we run into each other again. I've been casually dating and he's separating from his high school sweetheart, who he ended up marrying a few months after we briefly dated two years before. He now has an 8-month old daughter with her. I could go into tons of detail on that, but this is going to be long enough as it is. Suffice it to say, he did not want to leave when the baby was that young, but it was apparently unbearable for both him and his wife, they had actually discussed divorce before she got pregnant, and how they had made a mistake and were incompatible. While they were making plans to separate, they find out she's pregnant. (This is his version of the story, I might add.) So they both completely change their minds about getting divorced, stay together during the pregnancy and infancy, and try to make it work.
Anyway, obviously it didn't. So he moves out, rents a house, moves his stuff out, etc. This is around the time we start back up again. I now know that he kind of led me down the garden path regarding how "over" the relationship with the wife was. I remember at the time making a lot of attempts to start conversations about how he might not be ready to be in a serious relationship again so quickly, how he might feel guilty (towards both the wife and the daughter) somemtimes about leaving when the daughter was so little, and how that was I'm sure very normal, how I didn't want to meet his son (the then 11-year old)anytime soon because I didn't want to confuse him when he was "mourning" the break up of his dad and stepmom (who he's known since he was born, since she and my SO have been together on-and-off since high school, and his mom and dad were never living together, etc.). Everything I said he said wouldn't happen, told me not to worry about it, blah, blah, blah. I told him that I knew I wanted to eventually get married and have kids, and that if that wasn't something he was up for again, to let me know, because I felt like I was at the time in my life where I needed to not date any men who weren't ready for that. I also wasn't in love with him or taking the relationship that seriously. I was still dating a couple other guys, and really focusing on my career.
Fast forward another two years, and of course, the inevitable happens. We are madly in love with each other, we talk about getting married and having at least one child together, we've started integrating me into his two kids' lives, meeting family, etc. We're in a (so far) pretty good situation as far as both kids' attitudes towards me go, because neither of them remember their dad being with their mom, both have great moms, everything is going pretty well, etc.
Then the first BM starts getting really flaky. I'll call her BM1. She's been dating a man for several years and they finally get married, they have a baby, and she tells SO that she's moving to another city with her new husband, new baby, and my potential future SS. (?!?! Is that a thing?!) SO takes it in stride for about a day, then completely breaks down because this city is far away, and he can't handle not having his son in his life on a daily/weekly basis. Then BM1 says that she's decided that it's best for SS to stay here in this state with my SO. SO was so happy and stoked to get SS full time, and I was completely supportive because I knew how happy it would make him, and how good of an influence they would have on each other. Finances weren't even a concern, for me, at that point. The fact that he would get to stop paying CS and she would have to start was a relief, of course, but not why either of us were happy about it.
Then he starts really thinking about it, and decides that this is completely out of character for her, to voluntarily move so far away from her son and to leave him with his dad, even though he's a great dad. She's been the primary care giver of their child for 12 years, (at this point), and they are really bonded and close. Next emotion in this cycle for him is panic--about the effect this is going to have on SS. I watched him cry several times worrying about whether he would feel abandoned, how he would fare without his mommy, if he could be nurturing enough, etc. It was heart breaking.
Then, we find out that she has a pain pill addiction, so has basically not really been "herself" for about a year. She is completely weird and flaky about moving. The weekend she actually moved to this new city, she didn't even tell anyone she was moving. She just packed and bag and some stuff in her car and left town. We found out from SS. (At this point SS knows vaguely that I exist, but we still haven't met. I felt like he had too much change going on as it was, and didn't want to rock the boat when his dad and I weren't married or living together or whatever.)
Anyway, then one weekend she calls SO, hysterically crying, because she's turned to heroin, because she was going through withdrawals from the pain pills and didn't have any contacts in the new city. The new husband is a MINISTER and is the son of a minister, and they're living with his family until she gets a job and they find their own house. Well, sh*t just hits the fan from there. I have gone through so many emotions with this, it's hard to even list them all. I have cried for her while listening to her on speaker phone with SO, I have been resentful, furious, cold, confused, extremely sad for my FPSS (future potential stepson!), and several other things. I've also been worried about myself, and my future children, because I don't see this situation getting better any time soon (she continues to get worse, and she's now back home, because the new husband kicked her out when he found out she was on drugs. Good ol' Christian heart for you there! But I digress...), and I do not want to put myself in a position where she ends up suing me one day, or stealing from us one day, etc. etc.
She has now stolen from her parents (who will no longer have anything to do with her, but thank god are amazing grandparents who help out a ton with SS), from all of her friends, from SO, and from SS himself. Don't get my started on how furious that makes me. His poor little naivety is going right out the window. She stole blank checks from my SO which of course caused all kinds of problems. She has ended up having to stay the night over there several times when her parents have kicked her out but she needs to get sober for rehab. She found a way to trick her son into opening his dad's huge, heavy safe for her one night and stole some of his anti-anxiety medication. She convinced me one morning to let her in the house (my only defense is that I'm not a morning person and was still half asleep) when I was the only one there, claiming some bs excuse to get into SS's room, and ended up stealing all of his Christmas and birthday money (about $200). She is a HUGE mess and problem, for all involved. She's now been fired from three different jobs for stealing, and I believe is actually in jail right now.
I will not stay at his house when she's there, and I no longer leave anything over there except for basic things like a phone charger or shampoo. No more leaving medications, jewelry, my computer, etc. It would be pawned within an hour.
Now onto BM2, the wife. I would love to say that she's the ex-wife since they separated two years ago, but guess what?!?! THEY HAVEN'T DIVORCED YET. At first I tried to not bring it up very often or nag him about it, because I knew he hardly ever saw her, I knew she made him miserable, and I knew he was financially strapped paying two child support payments a month to two different women, paying for both kids' medical insurance, and now having the expense of renting a house and all that comes along with that. But obviously, being a rational person (and my rationality is questionable, my friends) it started to wear on me that, at least technically, I was dating a married man. Especially when I woke up one Saturday morning to his wife trying to break in my front door, because apparently she had just found out we were dating. This is nine months after they separated and had been living in separate residences. I got 52 text messages from her, several voice mails, she almost broke my door down, she called my parents, told my stepmother that she had "raised a whore for a daughter" (my SM was so confused about this daughter she didn't have), and just in general scared the sh*t out of me and my family, in other words.
From what I understand, she is a very "normal," ethical, moral person, and just snapped that day. Which I completely understand. I probably would have wanted to do the same thing, had I been told one thing by my husband, and then saw another thing with my own eyes. (His car parked in front of my house.) I'm sure I don't need to detail how furious I was with him for OBVIOUSLY not being honest with her or me, how furious I was with her for bringing my family into this, etc. etc. etc. etc. Very, very bad day.
I now see her daughter, my future potential stepdaughter occasionally. I adore her, and she has no idea who I am, because we don't know what to tell her to call me. I don't want her to go home talking about me and twist the knife that much more into her mother's heart. Why do I care? I don't know. But it just doesn't seem very nice! So I'm just this random lady who's at her dad's sometimes and buys her coloring books. : /
So anyway, the coup de grace of the entire situation is that a month or so ago he admits to me that while we were in a rough patch a year ago, he cheated on me with two different women (although I hesitate to call one of them a woman, as she is a very immature 23), that both of them ended up being pregnant and having babies, and both of them could possibly be his. (Yeah, I know, it makes me physically ill every time I think about it.)
One of the women got so freaked out at how angry he was when he called her out on it, that she won't call him back to let him know how to proceed with a paternity test, or where she lives. (Supposedly he didn't know that either were pregnant. They were both drunken one night stands with women he knew through acquaintances, he's not on any form of social media, and he found out about both of them around the same time.) He told me, both BMs, and his parents right away. Supposedly. 
Anyway, I, of course, flipped out, screamed at him, said all kinds of nasty things to him, and told him to get out. Then I told him to stay because I was worried about what he might do if he left then.
He ended up taking a paternity test for the child (boy) that was born near us a few days later, and the results were positive. Which brings us to FPSKid3 and BM3. Whose guts I hate. I'm sorry, but it's true.
This conniving little 23-year old b*tch allowed herself to get pregnant, decided to keep the baby, made a CONSCIOUS decision to keep this knowledge to herself and immediate family (I realize that I do not know 100% of the story, but I've done some digging, and it's a little bizarre. She completely deleted her entire FB history up until the birth of her son--I think on purpose so no one would rat her out to him that she was pregnant and he couldn't try to get her to not keep it), and now, of COURSE wants his name on the birth certificate, an obscene amount of CS, his full participation in raising this child, and access to his family and two other children. She texts him pictures and inane, poorly-spelled messages all the time, trying to draw on his "sentimental" side, I guess. I've told him that I don't want him to communicate with her unless I know about it, and that I feel like I should have access to their communications. But you know what? I don't. I'm not and never have been a snooper or stalker, and it frankly makes me sick to even see her name.
Anyway, there's a lot more to that story. I was in therapy before and am definitely in therapy now. He has some issues to be worked out, (under-exaggeration of the year) and I think we're both somewhat co-dependent on each other emotionally, and I have a huge decision to make. On one hand, I have known this man since we were 8, he's (mostly) everything I've ever wanted in a partner, I absolutely love and adore him and his first two children, we have (some of) the same values and goals in life. But I don't know how realistic it is to think that I can sustain this kind of stress and pain for the rest of my life. I didn't go to college and work my *ss off to get the career I wanted and to buy a house and get out of college debt so I could raise three to four of someone else's kids.
I have so many concerns and questions that I don't even know where to start. I guess I really just needed to tell my story in a place where if you all yell at me about how stupid I am, I can log off until I'm ready to take the heat again. I've only told one person in my life (besides my godsend of a therapist) the whole story. A very, very good friend who knows my SO very well. My family would never let me hear the end of it if they knew everything. I just can't take 100 different opinions of friends and family right now. I'm barely able to face it myself.
Sometimes I think "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!? RUN, DON'T WALK, AND DON'T EVER LOOK BACK!!! YOU IDIOT!!!!" But I love him, I love being around him, I love those kids.
I guess my primary question is: Is this doable at all without going completely batsh*t crazy? Are any of you in a similar situation? Am I clearly with a sociopath and just haven't admitted it to myself yet?! Is he basically a clone of Tiger Woods? Or is he someone who has made some bad decisions but is essentially a good person??? This is just completely all-consuming and exhausting. He seems to think that we can make this work, and as much as I am not a sociopath, I keep thinking "CS1 + CS2 + CS3 + Potential CS4 + my own child one day + a mortgage + two car payments + cars for the kids when they turn 16 + camp +vacations + shoes + clothes + food + whatever." I keep thinking about BM1, the drug addict, suing me one day if her son ever got in an accident around me, because she sees me as a cash cow and a way to more drugs. I keep thinking about the anger from the hopefully-soon-to-be-EX-wife, and how long that will last. Thinking about how on earth to incorporate this third child into our lives, when all we feel right now is resentment and coldness. Which is completely unfair to him.
Thanks in advance for reading, if you were able to stick with me! Any advice or comments are welcomed.
Wow... just wow.... Sorry to
Wow... just wow....
Sorry to be blunt, but this situation... your SO ... train wreck. If you don't know that this is not a disaster of a relationship... I don't know what else to say.
You need counseling if you
You need counseling if you think this man has any sort of potential as a lifetime mate. He has proven over and over again that he can't do relationships, he has already cheated on you and made a baby while doing it. RUN RUN RUN
Someone else will be your true love and you will wonder what you ever saw in this idiot.
You only sometimes think run?
You only sometimes think run? Holy flying monkeys lady.
The sheer fact that he hasn't felt the need to get an actual divorce in 2 years would be a sole deal breaker for me. The wife trying to break down my door because your SO is a Liar would be a deal breaker for me. 3 actual, 4 potential children each by a different woman would be a deal breaker to me. He cheated on you during a "rough" patch and not just once, not with just one woman...
All of these things show a total lack of character, moral fiber or common sense on this male's part. Whether there's something diagnosable for the guy or not, I have no idea, but at the very least he's a moron that can't wrap it up and is apparently unable to pick sane, rational, stable women to procreate with.
Is there any way to deal with all of this and stay sane? I can't think of one. Mostly because you're looking at being financially screwed for a really long time, you have 3 women so far that are all showing crazy and a guy that doesn't understand boundaries since he is allowing his ex, a psycho drug addict into his home, who is apparently lying to his wife and his girlfriend....
Yeah, I'm not sure where you can even begin to think that loving this guy is going to be enough to have a life with him. Well... at least a life that isn't pure hell.
Yup, WOW. I deal with 1/3 of
Yup, WOW.
I deal with 1/3 of the crazy you do, a couple of things I can say; the crazy NEVER stops! BM has quiet moments, but she always rears her ugly just in case we should be enjoying life, *sigh. If this guy doesn't have boundaries with all his crazy woman (sounds like he doesn't), it will be a loooooong road for you! You will be LAST every single time, you'll hear excuses like "but she's the mother of my child", "I could lose my KID", "I don't know what to do", he will appease the BM's and expect you to 'get over it'.
One of these crazies contacted YOUR FAMILY!!! It doesn't matter if she is 'usually nice and normal', nice and normal people don't cross THAT line, no matter how furious they are. Gah, NONE of them have ANY lines, so if you stay with the guy, that is something you will have to live with! Without a doubt! To be able to live with it, you need for your SO to have strong and sure boundaries. Thats a VERY hard thing for these guys to achieve, I've a foot out the door because the man I adore struggles with boundaries, but, that is the key to surviving these nut bars.
And the money!! As well as all you've listed, if one or all 3 decide to go through court, you are looking at THOUSANDS! Court if effing horrible! Long drawn out, a simple email costs $$$.
Look, I love my guy as well, but all the problems BM has caused ME personally, love is not worth it, SO and I are hanging on by a string, he is finally doing his best to have boundaries, but if he can't do it... well, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life being his last priority, and you should either.
I don't usually go for the 'leave him' advice/reply, but I do think you should think long and hard before committing, it is NOT going to be an easy relationship.
I'm going to say what you
I'm going to say what you want to hear:
He sounds like husband material. I think you should forget all of the incidents and tie the knot ASAP! It'll never happen again because he's sorry and you LOVE each other so much. 3 baby mommas, a small herd of step children and eventually more women will come claiming that he impregnated them. Since you adore these kids sooo much you won't mind helping him pay child support. You'll happily support him as he goes to child support review after review. Why you'll even work an extra job to help him out when his payments increase. He'll adamantly deny that he cheated and impregnated yet another woman but then you'll forgive him once the results come in positive because your love is so strong.
I say go for it. The upside of all of this is you'll never be bored.
How I really feel:
Horndog needs to get the snip and learn what a condom is. You ARE batsh*t crazy for even considering a life with this man aka leg humping dog.
I didn't even finish because
I didn't even finish because at about 4 paragraphs in, I decided if there was THAT much wrong that you needed to write about.... you already KNOW you should not be in this relationship.
A good guy doesn't cheat, he
A good guy doesn't cheat, he doesn't postpone the divorce to be available to you.
Honestly, I get loving someone but please love yourself more. You already know that this is not right for you. Don't waste any more of your life with him.
This is excellent advice!!
This is excellent advice!! What would you say to your friend who was in this situation?
Eventually I would be embarrassed, to explain to your own kids, how this all came about, because there is some vital integrity missing unfortunately - but it is not too late yet, for YOU.
The cheating alone is a deal breaker!!! And yes, they will be after your money at some point because how can he support all these people? And, trying to coordinate and work with that group of women with their conflicting agendas, will be beyond miserable, trust us!!!
There are SOOOO many other fish, in the sea!!
Oh my goodness.... I read
Oh my goodness.... I read everything and my heart aches. I could never sustain the turmoil you've allowed for this long girl. Your strength will one day be your weakness if you don't start taking care of yourself. I think I have it bad but this is insane. You really need to envision how you want to spend the remainder of your short time on this beautiful earth. This just doesn't seem manageable at all in any shape or form. If I were up against this I would leave. Hell even now I dream about leaving and I'm at like 25% of your misery. one bm is enough for me.
Your SO sucks btw. Doesn't sound like a real man, just sounds like a sentimental connection, a first love you don't want to let go of but you don't know what amazing men are out there really because you just didn't find the right one. You don't have any kids or anything, you could separate for a while and test the waters or just see if you are happier apart. Or you can always go back
I am so sorry girl. Hope you find help here, I know I do
Run, run, run. Yes, he is a
Run, run, run.
Yes, he is a sociopath and he will suck you down the rabbit hole.
Think of it this way. You get pregnant and one day you have to explain why Daddy has so many other kids.
What do you say? You can't talk to anyone about it now, you will have to explain it to your child one day.
By the way I don't think you're stupid. I think you may have been love bombed. Google it.
Here are some questions to
Here are some questions to contemplate - what are you getting out of this relationship? What is in it for you? "Love" is not an acceptable answer. From a practical standpoint, what need of yours does he fill? Why do you want the drama - which apparently you do because you keep going back.
Why do you want to be with a man who has had several on/again off again relationships and who has apparently never had a solid relationship that lasted for any length of time? Why would you want to be with a man who has cheated on you more than once? Why would you want to be with a man who is currently married to someone else?
And finally, why would you want to be with a man who is so stupid that he can't figure out how birth control works? If I understand, there could be a 4th child out there.
Read these boards - look at the problems women have with one BM and a couple of step kids. Multiply that by 3 and see if that is something you want to handle. At the bare minimum you need to step back and take marriage off the table. If you can't live without him then date him. No need to live together or get married at this point.
Ditto Sally. He hasn't even
Ditto Sally.
He hasn't even divorced BM2 and there's already fathered a child with a third???
I have known this man since we were 8, he's (mostly) everything I've ever wanted in a partner...
Are you serious???
Two "one" night stands and
Two "one" night stands and they're both pregnant from one sexual encounter?. It's not that easy to get pregnant so either he is incredibly unlucky or these affairs were longer than one night and he is lying to you about the extent of his cheating. Forget how difficult life would be like with the money issues, the BMs skids etc and think about whether a liar and a cheat deserves YOU
Nope...no way in Hell. Girl
Nope...no way in Hell.
Girl he is using you. You're his rebound for two failed relationships and he doesn't value you enough to keep it in his pants during yalls rough patches. Sorry but your anger is hugely midguided, HE's the one that made you the mistress and he's the one shacking up with little Golden Uteruses without protection EVEN THOUGH he should have already known better with TWO failed relationships that resulted in monthly child support withdrawals. If he hasn't learned from the first two (and now three and maybe four) times then HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and he's just dropping babies until he cares enough to figure it out which he will have to soon since he's about to be taking care of one kid full time, plus his and his WIFE's kid and now BM3's little crotch dropping.
I know you don't want only negativity in all these responses but you're smarter than this. You have a college degree and a career and haven't been divorced or become a mother yet so you've clearly have been cautious with your life choices. Don't punish yourself by saddeling up with this guy. He's not the same person you knew before and there's 4 little bundles that prove that. And most importantly ask yourself can you handle being BM5 when he leaves you? How can this man afford anymore children at this point. And wouldn't it be more infuriating for you to have a child with him knowing all of his money and some of yours too will be going to other kids instead of your own? Hopefully he's twenty times better as a dad than a life partner and if he is can you deal with him always missing yalls kids events because he's busy with kid#1 or dealing with WIFE and BM3 at school functions. You can't make a life with him and there's no one to blame but him for that. You deserve so much better than being the wallet to a man who has more child support due than weekly earnings and SO SO SO much more than being the 5th BabyMomma to a man who won't have the time or money left over to support a goldfish.
Get thyself out of this mess.
Get thyself out of this mess.
You truly need to decide what
You truly need to decide what is best for yourself. first and foremost you need to have a battery of tests for stds immediately. From your story it seems like he is in the high risk category because of his history of multiple partners who he barely knows and his non condom use.
This must be a really hard situation to be in. You are not dealing with just one baby momma but three known and a possibly forth unknown. I hope you can see why baby momma number 2 was angry. It sounds like while he was on hiatus from her he started hooking up with you. She is prob just really hurt and angry right now. Kind of like you are with baby momma 3, and she was just a one night stand.
How is the communication with baby mamma 3 going right now. It sounds like you are threatened by her, and you have every right to be. Your SO had a physical only connection with her and he may still have that. That is much different then having an exwife who you have done it hundreds of times before, and have emotional baggage with, not as exciting. But he may start building a new emotional connection with this girl that has his baby, and that is where things can get intimate.
Even if you take all of the step drama out of it, you are left with a guy who cheated on his wife while they were going through a rough patch with you. Cheated on you at least twice while going though a rough patch. You are worried about his leaving when he is mad because you are worried that he will go out and have unprotected sex again.
Let's say that he is the guy for you. He has to first divorce baby mamma 2. Then you have to wait for him to propose. Then you move in and your life revolves around hiding your stuff from baby mamma 1. Hiding from angry baby mamma 2. And worrying about him sleeping with baby mamma 3. Oh and having a possible child support order coming in the mail from baby mamma 4. All while walking on egg shells to make sure he doesn't get sad or angry enough to leave and get drunk where he may bring home a diseases or make another baby.
So, let me see if I have this
So, let me see if I have this straight. Your SO has 3 spawn each with a different mother and there are potentially two more spawn and baby mamas pending a parternity test? And he potentially fathered two of these 5 spawn while the two of you were together? :jawdrop: :? :sick:
Even if I only have this a little bit close you have a problem and it does not have a thing to do with this POS non man you are considering getting papers with. You have a judgement problem my dear.h at
That you are angry at a 23yo woman who as you say "allowed" herself to get pregnant rather than taking some kitchen sheers to your idiot man's pecker is truly telling to me. You are blaming the wrong person for your "man's", I use quotes because he is no man, complete lack of character, honor, or morals.
Pack your bag, get out now, don't pass go, do not collect $200 and do not even give this idiot a glance in the rear view mirror on your way down the road. And learn something from this. Rather than falling for that warm fuzzy tingly feeling you get between your legs when some idiot of no character from your past winks at you, hold yourself to a much higher standard and choose a man of character who will build a life with you, make a family with you, and put you first and foremost in his life rather than plunge his pecker in the nearest possible womb donor when he gets a tingly feeling in his crotch.
This guy makes my Skid's Sperm Idiot, Mr 4 spawn by three different baby mamas all out of wedlock, look like a Saint.
IMHO of course.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
What should you do? I can't even believe you would ask that question. :O I will close with a question. Do you want to be baby mama #5 and for your own child(ren) to be nothing but a low priority after thought for their father?
That's just 50 Shades of HELL
That's just 50 Shades of HELL NO!!!!!
You are 30. You are so young. Do you really want to be tied to someone whose morals have gotten him into the position with 3 (or was it 4????) baby mamas and a basketball team of stepchildren?
Do you REALLY want to be baby mama #4 (or 5?????)
No. Just no. Go find a nice NORMAL guy preferably WITHOUT children and have an enjoyable life!
This has heartache and heart attack written ALL OVER IT
Break up with him. Sell your
Break up with him. Sell your house. Buy a new one in a different neighborhood. Change your phone number. Repeat this every night before bed like a prayer: "They are not my children. They will turn on me some day. They are not my children, they will turn on me some day. They are not..."
In the morning when you wake up look in the mirror and say, "I only date grownups. Responsible Adults. I only date grownups. Responsible Adults. I only..."
Oh, and delete his phone number and purge all tokens of him and his litter of homeless puppies right now. This very minute.
you said it
you said it yourself:
"Sometimes I think "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!? RUN, DON'T WALK, AND DON'T EVER LOOK BACK!!! YOU IDIOT!!!!" But I love him, I love being around him, I love those kids.
love is not enough. sooner or later the skids will grow up and start fawning all over this man. maybe they have been starved for love, but its often for the money.
child support does not end at eighteen. a parent will continue to give money away forever to a child.
being near skids means being near the mothers of those kids. do you really want this?
Since you haven't responded,
Since you haven't responded, I'm assuming you "logged off", but I do hope you'll come back.
Here's the thing - yes, it's possible for you to choose this. You sound like a strong woman. You probably could deal with the stress. But.... I guess I don't understand why you WANT to choose that. OK, you have a history with this guy, and clock's ticking and breaking up means starting over, and all that. But he cheated on you. Not once, but TWICE (at least - god knows how many women he slept with who DIDN'T get pregnant - he only told you about the ones he HAD to tell you). I mean, the external stuff? Crazy BM's and rude skids and nasty inlaws? All that is dealable if your DH is part of the solution and not part of the problem. But when he's part of the problem, and you deal with ALL of it? It's not a life I'd choose for myself, and I would tell any friend of mine "Just let me know what you need from me to get out - money, a moving truck, ANYTHING, it's yours." Sure, you can choose this, and you might actually be strong enough to stick it out. But I really hope you choose better.
Any relationship has rough
Any relationship has rough times and good times, any marriage has rough times and good times. To me, one of the most telling things about an individual and their relationship is how both parties treat one another during these rough times.
For you, this man cheated on you during a rough time, having at least 2 one night stands, which he only felt the need to confess to you once he realised both were pregnant. Which automatically leads me to think were there more?
The entire world of being in a step-parent role can be taxing at the best of times, dealing with all the emotions (particulaly as a childless woman) of being robbed of the ability to share in the experience of becoming parents for the first time together (and second, third and maybe fourth time for this man) is a tough thing to deal with.
The practicality of having to arrange potentially 4 different Court Orders relating to 4 different children with 4 different mothers and ofcourse 4 sets of child support could potentially see you both with no alone time (thinking on the basis of him having alternate weekend visitation, but chances of all 4 being on the same rotation is low). Which could potentially mean you will end up with a different child every weekend, or worse all 4 at once, 4 children who are strangers to one another all finding out they are siblings. Its going to be a complete headache.
Not to mention the financial strain, even if the child support is set at low figures of $100-150 a month per child (which is STUPIDLY low) times that by four then you are looking at $400-600 a month going straight out the door. And ofcourse, the higher he earns, the more child support he will pay. So you may find yourselves unable to essentially enjoy yourselves. YOU will most likely become resentful that you will have to pay for extras, you may find yourself paying more than 50% of the household bills to enable him to pay his child support. Even by doing so you will probably see that you can rarely afford extra things, not including the costs it will take whenever he has visitation.
Then when it comes to your future, if you want children in the future, do you really want to bring a child into this world from this man? Having to explain to your child that they have so many half siblings, and when that childs older having to explain how there are two that exist during your relationship with one another?
You may find that due to the financial strain that he will not want more children, can you live with that? Can you honestly say you are ok with never having a child because this man has carelessly produced so many with so many women that you will then have to financially support?