I do NOT think it is healthy for your relationship to be watching old home movies of his family with his EX WIFE together.

I think you need to listen to your gut on this one.

~*~I'm THE wife. Not wifey or wife material or #2. THE WIFE~*~

It sounds like he still has a whole lot of untold words he wants to say. I would never sit and watch my dh's ex-wife on anything because that would be wasting MY time? He would be watching those films somewhere else or they would dissapear.

Listen to your own intuitions carefully.

Yeah, he definitely sounds like he's still got it for her. I would never, ever watch movies of my DH and his ex together. Yuck. Why would he put you through that?

Go with your gut. Personally, I'd move on and find someone "unattached."

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

WOW! Your story is too similar to mine! I don't have everything figured out for myself yet, but my brain is getting a little more organized finally. Background: We're in our early 60's. My DH's ex (his 2nd wife) divorced him 6 yrs ago after 20 yr marriage -a lot of money problems/conflicts (she was a compulsive spender). She later admitted she also had a relationship with another man (married), but he dumped her shortly after the divorce was final (DH hadn't known she was having the affair). She didn't work during the marriage and certainly doesn't want to now, but has finally gotten a job. There were 2 grown children (now 22 & 25) & DH pays 100% their expenses & college (she not about to give up a dime for them -they are entirely his financial responsibility). The first 3-1/2 years of our marriage (we've just passed 4) DH was still paying property settlements to the ex (he basically layed down & let her have virtually everything) as well as the kids' expenses so finances have been more than hard. The divorce settlement was large, but the ex has run through everything at this point except the retirement funds (and she's working on those) and constantly asks for more. Due to the property settlement amounts to her and the on-going expenses for his kids my DH has nothing left except his current paycheck and a large amount of debt. He's continued to give her money she asks for -he's even borrowed from his remaining retirement funds to do it! I am really angry because we do without while she is out buying more she can't afford & doesn't even need. Thankfully I still work and can provide for my own needs, because he couldn't afford my make-up much less any clothes.

What I think I've gotten sorted out about my situation is that it's not only that she won't leave him alone -he will not let her go either. And I think it's because she dumped him. Call it weeney or no balls or whatever, but the result is his ego was, and still is, wounded because she left him. (I don't get the way many men seem to think? -it's like she cheated on me, but maybe it's my fault because of something I don't know I did but even if she's a selfish greedy slut I still love her????). My DH tried everything he could to salvage the marriage and nothing worked. I think he can't figure out why she left him 'because he was such a great husband & never even looked at another woman' and he's still trying to prove he's the 'best' to her, or fix things by continuing to 'take care of her.' How weird is that? He stresses 'partnership' to me (both before we married and now), but the reality is, she calls the shots for too many of his decisions -I sure don't get asked for any input on anything. I've also found I am 'invisible' when we are around her. We're fine when its just the two of us, but add the ex or the kids and I pretty much disappear. My DH swears he committed to me and loves me, but actions speak louder than words. I also can't figure how he can tell his ex he loves her (end of phone conversations) and then say he loves me and it's supposed to be okay? Somehow his translation doesn't work for me. DUH! That's only the tip of the iceberg, but that's way more than enough about my story, but I think you can understand how I saw similarities in yours.

You've put in over 4 years and I understand how you feel. It's a serious committment and any decisons about it will not be simple. It's really sad about your sex life. That is the pits. Since he's told you 'their frequency' it's almost like he's punishing you for not being her. Ask him if he would be willing to go to counseling with you. He's got to figure out what he's feeling. I finally worked up enough guts to ask mine and he agreed immediately and asked at the same time, was it really that bad? I told him YES, it was. I am fed up with feeling the odd man out, not being treated like his wife when any of his 'family' is around and feeling second place or lower. I haven't set anything up yet, but I will soon. Like me you have got to be sick to pieces of being stressed out. You are his wife and deserve better than you're getting!!!

I figure you are a non-confrontational person just as I am, but it makes no sense to put up with this crap. I'm not going to put up anymore with listening to how much they had or any other whining about his loss. YOU NEED TO STOP TOO! Your husband is wallowing in a self 'pity-party' because his ex left him. Quit petting him for his whining. I can't believe he made you sit through their home movies! That is sick! If your husband will not agree to counseling or understand that his behavior is undermining your relationship, if you still want to try salvage measures or even feel more confident about what you should do, then go to a counselor on your own. He's definitely not respecting his marriage vows to you. If he won't do something to get over his ex and move on in a relationship with you then there's nothing you can do about it. It's his problem and you can't fix it for him. Don't let him drag you down with it or waste any more time if he won't respect YOUR marriage with him. It's too unfair and you deserve better.

Yep, you read right. Revolting isn't it? Actually his response is 'I love you too' which he tried to explain away as 'just an automatic response, it doesn't mean anything'. Bull!!! She phones him at work or on his cell phone now -not at our house anymore. But his 'auto' response is still being used -I heard a cell call just recently. He needs bashing over the head, but that SLEAZY ex of his....!!! I have not done a thing to this woman and have been more than cordial and gracious to her when we have attended functions together (kids), but I have had it with her antics -most of which are aimed at keeping him involved with her. She uses their kids as an excuse a lot too, and dictates what he must spend or provide. You know it's got to be a major bump to her ego (a real good rush) to still control him and his checkbook even though he married to me. My DH is generally a sweet sensitive guy, but I can't imagine how he thinks I could/should tolerate this. Part of the problem is I know he's a generous guy and would give ANYBODY the shirt off his back if they asked for it. His ex knows all she has to do is call & whine that she's depressed and creditors are after her and he will try to help her. He says its because he feels sorry for her. I feel sorry for me because he won't set boundaries that he'll actually abide by and if he won't make her stop I don't figure I have much of a chance of changing anything.

Bottom line is I love him and hope we can get this worked out. He swears he loves only me and is committed to me. He keeps thinking the ex will 'start doing better and move on.' I figure it's more realistic that as long as he keeps letting her tap him she's not about to 'move on' -unless she finds some other fool who can afford her and stupid enough to take her on. I've never been much of a jealous person before, but this woman is making me insane! It's funny too, I've got to admit I do feel a bit sorry for her at times (when I'm not spitting mad) because I've found compulsive spending is a real disorder (like gambling, drugs or alcohol). But I also know she's had access to help (debt counseling and pychologists) and refused to work with them, which makes me think she's purposely getting into excess debt to continue involving my DH.

I haven't contacted a counselor yet. But it's coming. Right now I'm tied down with tax work and year-end deadlines. We're okay right now, but it's only because I'm avoiding discussing the ex problem currently. It will raise its nasty head soon enough and I'm certainly not about to try to bury it. Like someone said already, a marriage with 2 wives ain't gonna work.