My Bios keep calling my fDH 'Dad'.
fDH proposed last week. We waited a few days and then told all the children at the same time. They were all very excited. The issue is this: I have always told my kids that my fiance is to be called by his first name. I have always told his kids that they are to call me by my first name. It's out of respect for their other parents. It seemed to upset SDs when my kids would accidently call him 'Dad'. So I always said 'No, No, No!' Even on this site, I would always say 'Only one Mom and one Dad!' and my fiancé thinks I'm a little neurotic about it.
Well since the engagement, the kids have started calling my fiancé Dad. I corrected them as usual and a friend noticed who was over to have lunch with us and she said 'Why are you doing that? They WANT to call him Dad. They love him and he loves your kids' and I said 'Well out of respect for their father' and she said 'It's not like they love their Dad any less. They are super happy and super excited that you are marrying (*****) and you should be happy that your kids feel that way. So think about it and let THEM decide what to call him.'
So I've been just thinking on it for a few days. Then yesterday, one of my 5 year olds had 'made a book' for us about holidays. And it said 'Mom and (fiancé's name).' We thanked him. IT was stick figures of all our family at different holidays. All the kids have been obsessed with drawing pictures of all 7 of us since we told them.
My former mother in law called (we get along well) and she mentioned that he made the book at her house and wanted to write 'Mom and Dad' on the top and give to us and she said she wasn't upset and she understood that it wasn't us TELLING him to call him Dad but she was concerned it might upset their father. I said 'I really don't know what to do.' She said as long as the kids are happy, then that's all that matters.
Do I keep fighting it or do I let nature take it's course? I read somewhere that kids feel more like 'family' if they are allowed to call step parents Dad/Mom but their love for their natural parent will always be above the love for a step-parent. Before I had a plan. Now I'm all confused that's it's happened to me.
Just so much going on.
Let nature take it's course.
Let nature take it's course. It is just a title, the kids know who is who, but they obviously really want to call him Dad. Your ex, as the grown up, will just have to understand that it's what makes them happy and probably feel more secure. That should be more important.
I'm certain he would be very
I'm certain he would be very upset. As for me, if there was another woman who loved my kids in their father's life and treated them well... I think It would be okay if they called her Mom. I can't say for sure because I haven't felt that but honestly I know my kids love me and I love them. I would LOVE for their Dad to meet a nice woman and remarry.
We go by titles: Stepmom,
We go by titles: Stepmom, Stepdad. Here's why:
When I am introduced or someone overhears ss talking to me it's pretty clear who I am by what he calls me. If he were just to use my name, i.e. Suzy, it give no indication the relationship to the kid. I may as well be the nanny for all they know.
Anyhow, it sounds funny in the beginning, but it makes the most amount of sense. Probably would be easier to get your kids to migrate from dad to stepdad.
Just to add - my dd has a whiney way of saying "stepppdaaad..." when she wants something. You know she might as well be saying "daaaaddddd"
Well my 5 year old did say
Well my 5 year old did say 'This is my Mom and this is my Step Dad' at practice last night. It surprised all of us because we have never taught him the word Step-Dad. So maybe that's easier for them and everyone?
It really upset my kids when
It really upset my kids when their ssibs called my ex Dad. Our two saw their Dad much less than the ssibs (since they lived there), and it felt to ours that they were being replaced. In all honesty, it really soured the relationships between them, their Dad, StepMom & ssibs.
My ex has never said anything
My ex has never said anything about my dd calling my husband stepdad.
My husband's ex made it know that he was not to refer to me as stepmom. That me and my dd are not a part of his family. We are nothing to him. He doesn't have to listen to me ... yada, yada.
And, there are some that thinks it quite strange. I think it makes sense. Relations have titles ... grandma, grandpa, uncle, aunt. Besides, first names puts you on the same level as the kids. You are not on their level, you are an parental/authority figure.
Talk it over with your dh.
I've written about this
I've written about this before and I'll probably have to re-write it again. Titles are only a big deal if YOU make it a big deal. It doesn't matter if your kids call your FDH "Dad", "Stepdad", "FDH's first name", or "Supreme Sultan Charlie Mopps" (all hail!). Forcing a child to use a title and placing an importance on titles only confuses them (best case scenario) or upsets them (worst case scenario). I wish I could find it, but there is an interesting article written by a stepfather who lamented to the point of anguish over the fact that his step children did not call him Dad. Finally, one day (at the urging of his wife) he confronted his (now adult) stepson about it. His stepson seemed rather perplexed and responded "But I've always considered you to be my father". The whole point is that if your FDH is good to your kids and your kids are good to him, the respect is always there, and there is no intentional disrespect given to the biofather, no matter what the kids decide to call your FDH.
But not all kids feel the
But not all kids feel the same way. Not all adults feel the same way.
I know that my kids were encouraged to call their StepMom "Mom". They were both perplexed as they felt they had a perfectly good one already. And continued to call her by her first name, as they had done since they met her. They didn't feel their relationship changed because she married their Dad.
My stepdad was on the scene
My stepdad was on the scene since I was 4. He and my Mom never married until I was 8. When I was around 13 I turned around and called him Dad one day. And he stopped what he was doing, we looked at each other and just burst out laughing. My Dad had always been a background Dad, my Stepdad was the only real father figure I had known but it was just so weird after so many years. He told me he was really touched I thought of him as his dad and he was proud to be my dad but there was no reason to change the way we spoke to each other. I agreed. That said, we had always called him a nickname. My kids call my SO a nickname that only they call him. It makes them feel they have a special relationship but they don't offend his kids. Actually my 8 year-old did it once purely to wind SD up, with a big smirk on his face and that is the only time the two of them have ever fought. She hit him. Normally they get on like house on fire.
I think the best compromise for me (if my kids needed to call SO or any new SM they get in the future something special) would be Mommy Anne or Daddy G or something.
DD's father isn't around. She
DD's father isn't around. She knows his name and she knows FDH is not her bio dad. She's 9, we leave it up to her. She calls him by his first name and occasionally "dad" I was surprised but we don't want her to feel ANY pressure. FDH said when and if you are ready you can call me dad or *****. It's up to you
I understand this may be different bc her bio dad is not a part of her life. I think you should let the kids decide, if you pressure them either way I think it will cause some anxiety and conflicting feelings
We let our children make that
We let our children make that choice. My BK are from two fathers, DS's birth father isn't around so nobody got their feelings hurt when he began calling DH dad. DD's father is very involved, he is an awesome dad, but he loves that DD calls DH dad. She actually calls him Daddy *first name*. It hasn't caused any issues because my ex and I want all of our children to be happy and be with people that love them. DD does not call her step-mother mom, just calls her by her first name. I have never pushed her either way, I just let her do her thing. But my ex does say his new wife is distant with all of his children so I guess that explains why she doesn't call her mom. But it wouldn't hurt my feelings if she did, as long as her step mother treats her right I am happy.