Kids getting joint gifts from BM and BD though they are not together?
Hi all,
I'm new to the forum but have a question that I couldn't find asked anywhere regarding gift giving.
My boyfriend has been separated from his wife for almost a year. He lives in a different town from the BM and gets his 3 kids (4, 6 & 9) every other weekend and every other Weds-Thurs. The kids are well aware that mom and dad are getting divorced and he never spends time with BM. Yet, at a mediation service it was agreed (at her insistence) that holiday and birthday gifts should be given jointly from 'mom and dad' as a unit. I think this is ludicrous and will only serve to confuse the children (I'm ignoring the fact that she doesn't stick to agreed budgets or items when she buys the gifts).
I'm just curious if anyone else's skids get joint gifts from BM and BD even though they are not together and what you think of this arrangement?
The first year DH was
The first year DH was separated/divorced from BM, they did "joint" gifts, which really meant that BM picked the gifts, but expected DH to pay. Year 2, he tried to keep up the joint presents (mostly to keep up the Santa thing), she was a pain in the rear and he said no more.
I wouldn't worry about confusing the kids. They don't give a rip who gave the gifts.
I'd stay out of it, if I were you. It'll likely die on its own.
My hubby did his first year
My hubby did his first year after divorce. It turned out to be him buying it and BM taking claim along with hubby. He stopped after that. Having said that, it was not put in the CO. Never heard of that being in a CO. Not going to work in the long run.
They are still married. I
They are still married. I wouldn't sweat joint presents from the kids parents. Now if it is 5 years post divorce and BM remarried, I might look at the situation twice.
Yeah...BM asked us to "chip
Yeah...BM asked us to "chip in" to the presents she got the kids nearly every birthday and Christmas for the first 4 years that DH and I were married. We always did our own thing and let her do her own thing...told her that the 1200 a month in child support was us "chipping in" to her presents.
It will die on its own. Don't worry about it.
We did it for my kids. ExH
We did it for my kids. ExH didn't have any idea what they wanted and he's so bad with money that they never would have gotten anything from him.
And they would have gotten a big gift that they really wanted from me.
It wasn't about money, it was about getting them an item that they wanted and would love.
If I hadn't done it they wouldn't have ever gotten anything from Dad and they wouldn't have understood that.
We never had any problems with things going back and forth either.
A few years ago he decided he didn't want to do it anymore and I started giving my kids trips for birthdays. So I take them to Mexico and he gets them a towel.
And before you ask, no I don't get an absurd amount of CS. I make more, live way below my means and am way better at money management.
When DH's kids were young, he
When DH's kids were young, he and BM did joint gifts. In fact, DH would drive over to BM's house Christmas morning for example and spend it with SD's and BM, and SD's would open their joint gifts from DH/BM
This only happened initially.
I never said anything to DH about it, but by the time his eldest was in her teens this had stopped.
There are no longer any joint gifts and haven't been for awhile, however, there are lots of joint get togethers
during this month alone for example there has been the bridal shower for YSD in which all parents/step-parents/parents-in-law were invited, then SGS's birthday party, then a family birthday dinner (only DH's family along with me but BM and her SO were at that too) and then later this month DH's daughter gives birth so once a again we'll get to spend an afternoon in BM's presence while at the hosptial
It sucks, but it is part of step-life unfortunately
Thanks everyone, I thought
Thanks everyone, I thought the joint gift giving was a bit unusual and just a way for BM to exercise control (controlling is a signature for this lady) but seems to be pretty normal. I haven't and won't get involved but at least my mind is at ease that it won't be forever and the kids won't really notice/care
I would definitely put a stop
I would definitely put a stop to this unless he plans on staying married. To me it gives the green light to boundary blurring. This is an easy area to act like they aren't married
Your married boyfriend...
Your married boyfriend... It's not your place to worry about what your boyfriend and his WIFE are doing for kid gift giving.
To all those who are being
To all those who are being quite hurtful over remarks about my boyfriend's marital status I would thank you to not pass judgement or remarks on things which you know nothing about. My question was simple and called for no comment on my relationship so there was no reason to do so. My boyfriend is separated and going through the motions of a divorce. I don't know how it occurs in other countries but unfortunately over here it doesn't happen overnight.
This is supposed to be a place of support where people can come to ask questions to others who are in similar situations to themselves. If you have nothing constructive to say or can't formulate your response in a polite, inoffensive way then I would thank you not to respond at all.
Thanks for the kind words,
Thanks for the kind words, it's hard not to get annoyed when people who don't know your situation are getting up on their high horses but I'll try to take it on the chin. Divorce usually takes 3-5 years here which sucks. This one is turning pretty ugly too but hopefully the custody/visitation/manipulation of the kids will be nipped in the bud by the courts.
Glad things are good for you and DH now