Mother-in-law issue & hypocrisy
Sooooo, at Christmas, my 78 year old mom gave monetary gifts to all the kids....my two, my fiancé's three. Problem was, the amounts were not even. Fiancé very upset, and I agree that all kids needed to be treated equally. Had kids pool the $ and divide it equally five ways. Went to my mom and explained that she needed to treat all kids equal going forward. I apologized to her kids for the unfairness and relayed that I discussed the issue with my mom, that it wouldn't repeat again. My mom has been equal to all kids since then. Fiancé still annoyed by the episode, and has brought it up multiple times since then as a near unforgivable infraction. I don't know what else I could have done.
Fast forward to this evening. Her oldest son (18) and my oldest daughter (16) have birthdays within a few days of each other. Fiancé distributed cards to them, from her mother. Her mother, age 65, gave her son a card w/$ and my daughter a card without $.
Nothing was said by fiancé. 18 year old put $ in his pocket. My kids held their tongue.
I'm looking for a way to view this in a way that calms me down. Any comment that can give me insight or a perspective that I don't currently have would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
You should have immediately
You should have immediately collected the money and divided it while giving your DF the "don't you F'in say a word" look.
smh
Idiot parents raise idiot children. Your DF and the 18yo included.
Time for a 1:1 come to Jesus meeting with DF and deliver absolute clarity with the demand that DF go to their DM and demand equality.
I for one have never felt equal was the way to go. Fair is the way to go. But since you and DF have already crucified your DM about being equal DF has to do the same to DF's DM.
I agree Rags.. they never
I agree Rags.. they never should have gone down this "everyone gets equal" path though.
OP's mother was generous to think of the stepkids AT ALL. Then to have her son shame her for not being equal is ridiculous.
There is no better time than the present to teach kids that life may not seem "fair" all the time and that they won't always get what they want.
My dad doesn't treat my SD's as full "grandkids". I am not saying he hasn't given them a bit on occasion, like when they graduated, they each got a thousand dollars and he bought my OSD a gift when she had her baby.. but regular birthday and christmas? NO.
Then again, I don't have bio kids.. so it really wasn't an apparent departure for him..
Shoot, he didn't even give me anything this year for Christmas.. my DH got a deep fryer, I got nothing. Oh well.. he is 87.. and he can be a bit difficult. I figure he either forgot.. or he intentionally didn't give me anything because we didn't go to see him around the holidays..because we were working out of state.
So your fiancee is a flaming
So your fiancee is a flaming hypocrite who will take from your children to enrich her own, but isn't concerned in the slightest when your children are shortchanged.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And you did not say a word??!! I would have jumped up so fast and made that boy split the money.
Well actually I would have taken care of this at Christmas and told your SO to get a grip or get out. No way would my kids split any money NOR would anyone have told my MOM how to gift. The gall all around there is disturbing! The fact you allow it is more disturbing. Your poor mom!
what does SO do????
what does SO do???? NOTHING!
++++++++++++++++++++++++
What is he supposed to do? You are the one that allowed this to even start. You allowed him to make sure YOUR dd did not get the gift she was going to get. You are the one to not stand up for yourself or your child.
If my adult bio came to ME
If my adult bio came to ME and scolded ME for not giving your boyfriends kids the same amount of cash as my own grandchildren. Oh boy there would have been a problem.
Your mom does not owe your boyfriends kids 1 cent let alone a charitable gift what ever the amount at holidays. You are lucky your mom was so kind.
Hopefully your mom pulled you aside with a forewarning about this jerk your involved with. I would have it you were my daughter.
WOW...just wow. He is a real piece of work. PLEASE re-think what your doing and cow tailing to.
Your being emotionally abused and the next thing may be HE doesn't want you to spend time with your family. MOVE ON while you can.
Boyfriend...pffft---
Nooo Way would I make my BS
Nooo Way would I make my BS give me back money he was given by his Grandmother and make him share it equally with his Stepbrothers. Nor would I expect the SS's to do that for BS. My BM doesn't give to my SS's the same amount of Christmas she give the SS's. The SS's don't give two hoots about her and don't bother showing up at Christmas so why should they benefit. I think you owe your mother an apology.
And considering your BF pushed the issue with you, I would call him to task about his mother doing even worse.
I think in stepfamilies, you
I think in stepfamilies, you really have to go with whatever is natural. If grandparents naturally gravitate to their own bio grandkids, fine. If grandparents (like mine) naturally take in their step-grandchildren as their own, fine. But forcing anything is NEVER healthy. Same with stepparents. If stepparents feel comfortable acting as a mother/father to the child, that's great. If they'd rather be an adult role-model - more of an aunt/uncle type relationship, that's cool too. It's all about what feels right for everyone involved; otherwise, when forced, it goes against our biological desire to NOT do for another's children what we'd do for our own and we get resentful.
Just let whatever feels right be the way it works in your family. Personally, I'm fairly comfortable acting as a mother to my stepdaughter to SOME degree. I know it'll be different with my own bio child when he/she arrives, but that's okay. That's biology. My parents, on the other hand, have totally taken to SD without hesitation.