Mixed feelings
So my BF had there first court date last week. He's been on edge for the last 2 months. BM drives him crazy, she lies, coniving you know the norm BM crap. The last couple months he's been saying he's ready to give his rights up and give his daughter up, for his own sanity (there history of depression as a result of his relationship with BM)I thought all these thoughts were just him venting, even though they started to become an every day occurence. So at court he told the judge that he was giving up his rights as a father. (would still have to pay daughter just turned 2, hmm funny how BM waited to take him to court till after that, even if he wanted he could never give his 100% rights he'll still have to pay CS cause she waited till court till she was 2, typical money hungry BM) I was not there, but his mother said that BM had him spining in circles and she was lying through her teeth about everything, which is the norm for her. He has court mid next month to make it finalized.
I know for his sake he needs to not have contact with BM, but she just keeps pushing. He's not the type either to put up with her BS and will put her in her place.
We've talked a lot since and his feelings are still the same, he's done and he's dying inside cause he loves his daughter, but he has to look after himself first, then hopefully intime will be invloved in his daughters life. I'm supportive of him and his dessisions and he knows that. It;s his decission to make, mine to just be there for him.
The reason for my mixed feelings is,
A) I don't want him to do anything he'll regret, his daughter is a typical 2 year old, cute, but since I don't see her much, was everyother weekend, I did not grow strongly attached to her.
I'm relieved cause I don't want to have to deal with that idiot (BM) for the rest of my life. I can have the life I was used to my sons 10, he's pretty self efficient, which is why i was personally not having any more children, love kids, but am not so much into the whole raising another child. I'm not a selfish person at all, but I know if it continues with BM it will probably destroy our relationship, read about that happening lots on her.
Because of I find it hard to try and encourage him to fight for his daughter and deal with BM. This past weekend I had my BF back, he was his normal self before things started going down the shitter. Loving, affectionate, compassionate, the man I fell in love with, not a cold, depressed, withdrawn, which he has been for 2 months. We talked about that and he said it's cause he's done what he needs to and he's ready to move on with a life with me and my son. Which ya is great, but I'm worried the resentment will come about giving his daughter up. Not towards me, but in general. He knows I support him with what ever he decides.
Just some insight from anyone, anyone that they have given up access for the time being, and what resulted. And just any thoughts. Am I being too selfish to be relieved? Cause I feel really bad about how I feel.
Is he terminating his rights
Is he terminating his rights or just saying he wants zero visitation? Either way he's making a huge mistake. Where is his attorney in all this? If he's got on, he needs a new one.
My DH terminated his rights to SD when she was 16 because BM didn't want everyone in their tiny hick town to know that SF wasn't really SD dad. DH had been pushed away at every opportunity and could get no help with enforcing anything from their county/city police or ours. SD saw her SF as her dad and had since she was 2 years old. DH never forced the issue and he lost out on his daughter.
I think that by giving up his access now, it's going to be a permanent thing - no judge is going to say oh ok you're ready to play parent now - of course we'll give you access.
I don’t see this as a bad
I don’t see this as a bad thing. If the BM is that bad then it may be best for all concerned. You will probably get a response about how your DH is a terrible person for giving up his rights, BUT….You never hear that said about women who adopt out their own kids too. They are often thought of as heroes for knowing they would not be good for a child and having the foresight to go ahead and letting someone else raise the child. No difference here as far as I am concerned. Good luck!
Respectivly asking, how is
Respectivly asking, how is giving up his rights gonna stop BM from harassing him? If anything, to me, wouldnt this just give her new crap to complin and harass him about?
I agree as parents we have to look out for ourselves also. Our parenting is only as healthy as we are.
Just keep doin whatvyou are doin, bein a support for your mate. Tough decisions never come easy. But they become tolerable with good support
Why would he give up rights?
Why would he give up rights? It's not like this will "free" him from BM. As long as he has to send money, she'll be on him like white on rice. Might as well maintain his right to see his little girl if he has to deal with BM anyway!
He's not terminating rights,
He's not terminating rights, but visitation. She said she would never close access, but again she lies like you and I breath. He wanted shared custody, and OMG he deserves it, he's an amazing father. But the last 2 months the weekends his daughter was there, I could sense resentment coming from him towards her. He was not mean or anything, but before he wanted to do everything for her, dinner, baths, etc. but that changed and I ended up spending the weekend with her, which I didn't mind.
He doesn't have a lawyer, he was unemployed for 4 months and could not affoard one. He would ask BM to have his daughter while he was off through the week instead of going to a sitter. But she refused. Then in the next breath would say you're not spending enough time with her.
As far as stopping the harrasment with BM, well it's already working, she has had no contact with him since.
He knows too, BM will never change and he does not want her in his life whatso ever.
As far supporting him, my parents support him and do understand. (my sister when to school with BM and my sister almost beat the snot out of her then) His parents have been dealing with BM for 3 years, and I can see relief in his moms eyes, she loves her son and knows that this is whats best for him.
It's just something that I don't know what to do. I kinda inside want to cry and oh I have lots not infront of him. Or throw a party to not have the dimwit in my life anymore. it's like a double edged knife.
I completely understand how
I completely understand how he feels. I have watched DH do it with SD15. And now BM is going to be doing it with SS13. You have to do what is best for you. As long as he pays his child support and is giving up his visitation he should not have to deal with BM. DH can't even speak to BM anymore, everything goes through the lawyers or is a text and rarely now an email. It protects him with his emotions. He tried and tried to have a relationship with his daughter and BM undermined at every turn. He was an emotional wreck. It is so much better once he stopped trying to have a relationship with his daughter. Sounds terrible but he has written her off. He had to it was ripping him apart. Is it sad, hell yeah, but at least my husband is not crying all the time anymore and he can finally move on. You would have to read old blogs to understand. Very long story...
Thanks for the replies. it is
Thanks for the replies. it is the hardest thing he's had to do.But he knows himself and knows that if it doesn't happen this way at least for now, that he'll end up in bad shape. I know too he's pretecting me and my son as well from having to deal with it. Which I've told him were fine and tough and my son understands the situation. But you're right he has to do whats best for him. We talked last night, he's packing her room and putting everything away for now. He even called BM last night to ask her for his daughter for his works christmas party and she raised a fit, even knowing that he's ready to give his rights. Shes messed. She got what she wanted and took 2 years to drive him to it. She'll change her tune I'm sure soon enough when she realizes she can't go on dates, have a social life. I just feel bad for that little girl, she's always sick (BM smokes in the car, duh its against the law in Ontario)
I would never judge anyone
I would never judge anyone for doing something that will keep them sane. I know what it is like to not be able to afford an attorney like he needs.
These crazy bitches need to think about what they are doing before they drive away the only other person who will ever care as much about their child. All they want is attention for themselves, and could not care less about their own kids' well being, now or in the future.
The thing is, regardless of legalities, he is still the child's father biologically. So if the child wants to reach him later, and have a relationship with him later, he is still the only biological dad she will ever have. Crazy mom can't change that!! and if he is so awful, why did she lay down and create a child with him, that was totally within her control???!!!!!
I don't see why he should have to pay support though, if he is not allowed to see the child. That is total shakedown larceny to me, by the BM.!!!
People never seem to
People never seem to understand the dad giving up the fight, but after having lived it and the damage it does to a man, I understand. DH hasn't seen his daughter in almost a year now. It is not worth trying to see her, when BM undermines him at every turn and won't encourage SD to see him. Not worth his pain anymore. He doesn't even want to think about her. But, unfortunately we live in the same town and we get told every last thing she does. So he never gets truly away from it, but at least he is not tearing himself up inside anymore over that girl. He is focused on SS13, who deserves his attention and is thriving from it.
what is this? parenting
what is this?
parenting coordinator
Well, after a long stressful
Well, after a long stressful last week. BF decidided that he was going to try and make it work. WEll that lasted all of a day before BM fucked it up. She knows he's at his wits, and keeps saying she wants him in there daughters life. She asked if we could take SD for saturday while she attended a funeral. Great, first step. Ya NOT. So of course say sure (this was after giving some thought whether he wants to start having her again) and let me tell you the last week was bliss, not him coming home from work, angry every night, he had closure. So say sure, not even an hour later she says they've postponed funeral and that she will not allow him to take her. GAMES. WTF. So after he's set on having her, they work it so we have her Saturday night till he goes to work on Sunday morning. He was just not the same with her. You could see the resentment in his face, no patience for her. It was heartbreaking. Cause he even knew it. After he got her to bed, he was so upset. He said right now he's so mad, hurt by BM that he can't help but see BM in his daughter and would not be fair to her for her to be resentful towards her. So he's going to get counselling (which he does go to once a month cause of her) he's just going to go more ofter and try and work on why he's feeling resentment towards his daughter. And right now leave it open for visits, but no set visitation plan till it's figured out.
This is a hard decission for him and I think deep down he knows that he's prolonging that it will not work and as much as he tries she will never back off and will always be a constant issue. And he knows from seeing friends that when its like this it is not whats best for the daughter either to have both parents angry all the time. We'll see court is mid this month.