Mini wife & Guilty Father syndrome - Please help!
Hello all – I am SO happy to have found this site as I am at my wits end with my situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We are planning on getting married in the next year or two. He hasn’t proposed yet. Anyway, when I first started dating him his two daughters were very young (3 years old and 1 year old). I fell in love with their father and with them. They were such good girls. We get them every other weekend and I’m starting to dread when that time comes around.
7 years later and they are starting to become materialistic and manipulative just like their BM. The younger one is not so bad but the older one has major issues. She’s extremely clingy and needy. She is going to be 12, has already started her menstrual period and acts like a big baby when she is around her father. She still wants to sit on his lap and cuddle up to him like she’s 3. She has to tell him that she loves him once every 20 minutes. All I hear is “I love you daddy” in this very childlike whiny voice. She follows him everywhere he goes and does not leave his side. She tries to climb him like a tree as if he could still pick her up”. IF he happens to get away for a second and he comes back around she’ll jump and down and yell “daddy daddy daddy” in her baby voice. The other day she was cuddled up against him on our chaise sofa with her head on his chest looking up at him like she was in love with him telling him how much she loves him. If he doesn’t answer her calls immediately, she will call my phone looking for him. She takes all of his attention from her little sister (who could care less it seems). She’s more independent and doesn’t really need the attention. Not yet, at least. The other day I told my boyfriend that I felt bad that his older was taking all the attention away from his younger. He said they both get equal love and attention. I He listened and took note though because he made the older one get off the couch with him and move to the larger couch and asked for the little one to join them. The older one yelled and made this angry voice and said “daddy you BETTER SIT RIGHT HERE NEXT TO ME”. She also is a little miss know it all and will interject in conversation between her father and I when we have a disagreement or difference in opinion on a topic such as politics. She’ll say “no daddy’s right and I agree with daddy”. Um, who asked you for your damn opinion? I’m just totally weirded out by all of this.
He said that the older one is just fighting for his attention because they fight over everything, which they don’t. Heads up that she is the middle child because the mom has another older daughter from her first marriage. Yes, this is her 3rd marriage.
I told him that she is too needy and clingy at her age and she shouldn’t be acting that way. That she shouldn’t be climbing on him like she does and that she can’t be picked up. He told me that he would pick her up at the age of 25. Um..OK? I told him that he needs to set healthy boundaries. That what if she was cuddled up to her NEW step dad like this? Would he like that? That if he lets her know it’s ok, she may wind up doing this with more older men in her life. I told him that it’s inappropriate that she is being intimate with him like I would (on the couch, etc.) and he agreed.
Now their mom is a materialistic floozy who married a man 20 years older than her. She is 35 and he is 55. I can see her being this way with him in front of the girls as she is extremely promiscuous and I don’t see her being a good role model. She lets the girls do whatever they want. The older one has little breasts and you can see them through her shirts and not the mother or father have forced her into wearing a training bra. She doesn’t like to brush her teeth, wear deodorant or brush her hair. She is extremely lazy and no one forces her to do anything. I asked my boyfriend “who are the parents here?”. It’s just bizarre to me.
I have my own daughter who is older. She is 21 and almost going to leave the home. I raised her single but I made sure she took care of herself and knew boundaries when it came to any man in our lives. Doesn’t seem the mom is showing the girls and now my boyfriend isn’t either. I know a lot of his issue is the fact that he has “guilty daddy syndrome”. He feels horrible that he cannot be with them every second of their lives and overcompensates in so many areas. He pays their mother close to $1000 a month in child support and will spend more when he gets them on weekends because he either wants to look good in their eyes or because again, he feels guilty. It’s to the point where he was wanting to move up the street from them because he wanted them to ride their bikes over, etc. but it’s unrealistic because we cannot afford to live in their neighborhood. Again, their gold digger mother married for money. We’re ok financially but not rich.
So I don’t know what to do. It’s to the point where I don’t even want them around anymore every other weekend because it’s driving me crazy. We have moved a tad closer to them which I’m thinking is a huge mistake because now he wants to get them on the week days here and there too. I’m just not happy with the current situation and am feeling like I’m going to wind up ending a relationship with the man that I love and adore because of his daughters. If they are anything like their mom, which they are turning into, they are going to use him and manipulate him for the rest of their lives and I’m not sure I can deal with it. Especially since we are not even married yet.
I just am at the point where I’m needing major advice on what to do. Does it get any better? How do you all cope with this? What do I need to do? I’m starting to be at my wits end and don’t know where else to turn. What do I do to get him to understand?
Do I run? Do I stay? How do I get through this? Will it ever end? Any advice PLEASE
P.S. I have been a very loving “step mom” to them this whole time but I’m starting to not even want to be around them and have to “fake happy” when it’s getting under my skin.
RUN!!! I wish I had YEARS
RUN!!!
I wish I had YEARS ago. The ONLY reason it's tolerable is because all three, who had the worst behaviour that I had EVER seen in ANY child in all of my 54 years, have PASed out.
Then he blamed ME for the PAS out; got downright nasty, cruel, abusive and viscious over his "pain" due to "losing his children."
He has come to the "acceptance" stage in his grief. His three are nothing but POS simply because the BM never had standards for them due to her pity over them being "children of divorce." (TM)
And so did he.
I was very affectionate with
I was very affectionate with my father growing up. I hugged and kissed him until I moved out at 18. And so did both my brothers. All three of us kids cuddle with our parents on the couch. We were just that type of family. Everyone has different levels of comfort with this type of behavior.
With that being said, I understand. Its a primitive feeling. I feel a little weirded out when my SO and SD huge and kiss each other and there is nothing inappropriate about their behavior. Also, my SS9 is a lot like your SD. He has to have constant attention from SO. His behavior doesn't personally effect me but it still annoys the heck out of me when SO plays 3hrs of a board game with SS and then SS starts whining wanting more of his time. Sometimes I will say something to SO or SS about every weekend not belonging to SS and I also tell SO that SD is getting left out but generally I leave it alone. If my SO wants to be SS's puppet every weekend, there is little I can do about it...Except drink.
At least your only every other weekend and you get to have your SO a few weekends to yourself. If SD and SO's cuddling is getting to you, find something to do when the Skids are around. I'm working on my MBA and I love to cook. I spend a lot of the weekend busy doing my own thing, which leaves SO open to be SS's personal puppet as much as he wants. We also have a unofficial Skids cut off time. Come 8pm Friday and Saturday night, SO and I are watching Netflix or something on the computer on our room with the dogs and SS and SD need to find something to entertain themselves until bed time. It gives us some quality time alone while still allowing Skids lots of time with dad during the day.
It can get better. With lots
It can get better. With lots and lots of hard work. Even with a lot of hard work it might not get better.
Will it get better on its own just by hoping? Not a chance. It will just get worse.
You have a lot of resentment
You have a lot of resentment and I will tell you that it doesn't seem that he is doing anything to make it easier for you. Why so long and still no ring. He obviously has no issue with feelings, especially if he is putting so much effort with his daughters.
It also sounds like he is taking you for granted. My advice would be to find a nice childless man, and they are out there, who can appreciate you and want to put you first.
Hello! Thanks for the
Hello! Thanks for the responses. No, he does not have any issues showing feeling's. He is very loving towards me as well.
Yes, I'm starting to resent cause no ring but I was promised this year. If it is not, than I'm leaving. He knows this.
Do you think taking me for granted? Like how? Just curious.
I agree to find someone with no kids and have promised myself that I will never date a man with small children. But I'm nervous because at my age (41) are there men out there who have no children? I feel like at this point in life a lot of them are divorced with children.
I think he is taking you for
I think he is taking you for granted because he is not taking your feelings into consideration. With the moving, the lack of a marriage certificate.
And yes, there are men out there who are childless or who have grown kids who may actually be independent.
My neighbor and friend who
My neighbor and friend who has witnessed the SAME exact behavior my SD16 put it perfectly when we were discussing the same exact thing.. I could have written you post word for word... He has a girlfriend. His daughter. Of course you are weirded out. You shouldn't have to share your husband like that.
This past weekend we are at cousins wedding, SD of course manages to sit next to daddyy.. And her BFstb19 is on her other side. Whose thigh does she have her hand on? Daddyyyy. OMG I would never put my hand on my dad's thigh like that. You don't touch your daddy like your boyfriend.
Same deal, no boundaries, no mothering or boundaries by daddy. She still tries to sit on him occasionally.. Jumps on him.. Shoves her double Ds in his face. Sits with her legs spread open in her dress.. No one has taught this child how to be a young lady. It's really sad.
It has gotten better since boyfriend came into the picture.. But she used to spoon him on the couch. SICK. and she used to sleep with him.. Until 13 when I came a long. I just try and manage so that whatever occasion we are at boy friend is there, we are at a restaurant or busy outside. No couch time.. No place where she can run around in her bikini or booty shorts jumping on daddy, etc.
I get she loves her dad. But someone needs to step up and have an uncomfortable conversation with the kid. It isn't me. Told him that at age 13... Big fight about it. He is ridden by guilt.
I will now tell her to go put clothes on if she comes over in tight stuff. I have a 13 yo son and say.. You don't want him spanking his monkey thinking about you do you? I also say, she better dress appropriately, when DH says she is coming with, or over.
Guilty daddy's will never see their precious princesses as anything but 3 years old. Even if they are 25. He flat out told you her feelings will come first.
She will continue to be overly intimate and sexualized with him. I asked my counselor at the time about it.. She said girls will practice on their dad's.. Like what is appropriate.. And it's up to dad to show her what is appropriate with men.. If he doesn't she will do that with every boy and man. SD used to jump on her moms creepy boyfriend at the age of 14. You don't do that. What do people not see? He is a man..
One of the first times that SD stayed over at our house, she had a friend over too, they slept on the queen size blow up cot in the family room. She asked daddy to stay on the couch downstairs with them. He did. I kick myself for not saying something at the time.. But I didn't realize how bad it was then.
Guilty daddy syndrome be
Guilty daddy syndrome be buggered!!! The husbands who act like this with their daughters and the subsequent angst they create, LOVE the attention it creates between two women! He totally knows it and dosent stop it because he dosent want to. It's his male ego at work here IMHO!
Hello all and thanks again
Hello all and thanks again for your words of support & encouragement! This site is the bomb.com!
His ex and those girls still have so much control over him. He will sometimes call the ex and the daughters for days and no one will answer or text back. But the MINUTE that the BM and girls call he drops everything to make sure he answers and/or goes to pick them up. There are so many occasions on weekends where he DOES have them, that the BM will make other plans for them because "they have things to do" and even though they are his designated weekends, he just lets it slide. He never sticks up to the BM about anything. I've told him I don't know how many times that he needs to take a stance and stand up for himself. Stop letting her control so much of the situation with them. If and when she tries to do that on a weekend where she has them, to say no. He doesn't though. It drives me nuts. On Easter he wanted to take them to church and she said she wasn't sure if it was a good idea because they're religion at home is "love". She's a total whack job and a con artist. Funny thing is she doesn't have me fooled. But that drives me crazy how she will ignore their father when she feels like it but when it's convenient for her she will reach out and guess who is there? Good 'ol "daddy". So it seems that he has no boundaries with any of them. The mom or the daughters.
Another thing to mention. Her older daughter was his live in step daughter while they were married for four years. They have been apart for 8 years and he till this day feels the need to play "daddy" to her oldest who is not his. This drives me crazy. He says because she needs love to and was a father figure. Well guess what. The oldest who is not his has a FATHER and a new STEP FATHER so why don't you back off on that? He has his whole family and his biological daughters including her on things like holiday's when we go away and when the oldest real father doesn't come to get her on his weekend my SO wants to bring her over with his daughters. I'm sorry but she is NOT your daughter, I'm already having a hard time with this situation as it is and you want me to have your ex's and your NON bio child in my home?! WTF is that?! Luckily, her oldest and his non bio is much older and in high school and doing her own thing now but that was something I struggled with.
I'm starting to think that there is a bit of narcissism here on SO's end and starting to wonder if he is the way he is to "look good" in the girls eyes or because he truly just is the way he is.
Like yesterday he was supposed to pick them up and the BM said not a good day because they were busy. So he messaged her and said "can you please tell the girls that you said I couldn't get them because I don't want to look like I stiffed them". Like he's overly concerned about it. Instead of just texting them and saying mommy said you guys had too much homework, see you later this week or whatever. He just is extreme. The minute he drops them off after our weekend he will walk in the house saying how much he misses them. Last weekend he wanted to put an air mattress up in our room so they could sleep in the room with us and he could be close to them. Um, excuse me. We JUST moved from a smaller home into a bigger one so they could have their OWN room and a yard to play in, etc. and you're telling me that you want them to sleep in OUR bedroom? NO! The older one won't even go out to play in our beautiful new yard cause she's stuck by her "daddy's" side. It's just ridiculous.
Wow! That was ALOT of venting huh? lol
I feel like as I'm typing this, that yes. I think I need to re-evaluate what I'm doing. I don't know if I could deal with this for much longer. Especially cause not even married. It's just really hard because I do love him. We've spent 7 years together as a "family" and I truly do love him and the thought of not being with him breaks my heart. Just the thought of it.
This stinks. Really stinks. :sick:
It seems like you are giving
It seems like you are giving and giving from letting kids steal your joy to other things. This will consume you! Oh you can fight and fight and he will correct things but it's going to take time. Do you want to give what little time you have on this man and his mini wife? It's always going to be some type of bs. One day you're going to wake up older, broke, time will have passed you by because it it waited for no one. Yes you may have changed him and his outlook by then but you'll have all this resentment and hate in you. If you have hate on the inside it will show on the outside. Everything I read about your story sounds very very familiar except yours sounds a bit much more than mine In The beginning of my relationship. Yes he can change but it's going to take lots of fights, time, and you have to demand stricken boundaries. He maybe her daddy but he is your man!
2024 now & it only got worse
Reading through the original 2015 blog to present (May 2024) and relieved for OP that she finally got out of this total shit-show.
I read your last comment ^ oh
I read your last comment ^ oh honey, I feel so bad for you. You are blind and don't know what's ahead. Get your act together and get away from this fool you are with. You can have a relationship In Different homes of dating and set rules that he is not to accept phone calls or texts when he is with you that you need attention too. You need a man to yourself. Right now you have a puppet on a string and you're not holding the strings. You will always be on the back burner with this ex wife and kids. And you said you been with him for 7 years, wow! Wow! Wow! You allowed this shit to go on..that's crazy!
this type of behaviour does
this type of behaviour does not end with adulthood. one sd is married and still calls her father every single day. she has no friends and call her father her best friend. a friend of mine who is a stepdaughter herself says this is way too close. being this intimate with the father will ruin any chance she has with own husband. i just wonder when the divorce will take place when the young man figures this out.
Hi all! It's been a while and
Hi all! It's been a while and I wanted to come here to update you all to tell you that I'm FREE. We did move on to marriage and that changed NOTHING. This is long cause it's an update but it's validation and a warning to those of you to PLEASE leave as it DOESN'T get better as they get older.
I’ll try to make this is as short as possible because A LOT happened that I dealt with and to let you know what finally made me decide to be done.
After we moved in our the house things didn’t change other than he proposed to me and we got married. After we got married things felt better but nothing changed. Things seemed to get worse while I kept trying harder and harder. Still creating special moments, holidays, taking his daughters to Disney with mine, etc. Being a good step mom and wife and only asking for him to put God, him and I and our marriage first and then the children. Nope.
Here is a quick summary of things that happened and I know I’m missing a lot:
This is just some of the things. I could go on and on.
So we have been together now for 15 years. Married for 7 years. I moved out in 2019 and we have been separated and living apart since 2020. He moved out to his own place and guess where he moved? Somewhere that he thought they would want to live because for some reason he thought they were going to come back to live with him so moved to a place THEY would want to live that he COULDN’T AFFORD and guess what? They barely came to visit him.
Anyway, I just filed for divorce (for the 4th time) and I’m hoping it’ll be finalized next month. As a quick FYI we have no assets together including children so it’s an easy divorce. I want NOTHING from him but my maiden last name restored.
So, in 2019 his ex wife got divorced and moved on to her 4th victim and decided to move her and her daughters to another state. I was sad for him but not surprised thought it was FINALLY time for us to have time together, connect, etc. It was everything I wanted, right? Well, NOPE, the older one after being there for two weeks told him she wanted to move back to our state. I said she just got there and hasn't even given it time. Give her a chance. He said well, if she wants to come here, I have to let her. I said why? Is she being abused? Not taken care of? Etc. That wasn't happening. She moved to a beautiful warm state in a mansion by the ocean. Like what? I told him I can see if it was a bad situation but even then, I'm not ready for her to come live with us full time when we can't sort out our issues with them now and every other weekend. He told me he chose her. I said ok, I'm moving out then. I'm not going to raise a child who doesn't respect you or I and I have no say in my home. While her mom is living on the beach with no worries and not having to deal with her bull sh*t. NO.
He proceeded to "move me out of the door" which I wasn't blocking and pushed me out of the way so hard that I FLEW into an outside stool and onto the concrete. I almost broke my wrist and had the biggest bruise on my upper thigh. He assaulted me because I said no after he said he chose her. My heart was broken but I don’t know why I was surprised that he said he was going to start looking for a place for them to live. Well guess what? She never came.
ALL over her WANT..a WHIM, not a NEED a want cause she is never satisified. SO I LEFT. We stayed seeing each other here and there for the last few years. I know, crazy right? He didn't even do anything to her as far as yelling when she physically attacked him a month before this. He had scratches on his arm and face cause he tried to take her phone. What did he do though? Took her shopping the next day. But me? His WIFE..I get pushed so hard that I almost break my wrist and other things.
I wanted to see if things would change with his daughters, but they didn't. They moved away to another state and when they came to visit in the summers it was a free for all. I would still try to give him advice and would still get treated like the mean step mom. Always told him I'm just trying to help you.
Well, two years ago, the mom calls in the middle of the night and says the older one (17) tried to throw herself out of the car on the highway because her mom was trying to take her phone away cause she was drinking, getting into trouble at school and just out of control. Her mom took her to the ER cause she was having a meltdown and guess what? They took her and admitted her into a psych home. She was there for two weeks.
My husband thought it would be a brilliant idea to bring her here to his home to "set her straight". He said she's going to go to school, get a job, get her act together. Not allowed to go out, etc. Well, guess what? She was here for two weeks and started going out again. She did get a job but he couldn't register her for school here cause he didn't have full custody of her and didn't want to havery to pay or deal with her mom to get full ownership. All of this while he's still paying child support to the mom in another state and she wasn't even living with her. Guess what, he didn't move to stop that either. She started hanging around negative friends. One is goth and emo and tried to kill herself. And turned into this strange goth/emo teenager. Very dark.
I kept telling him to send her back home to her mom because he's not able to fully keep an eye on her and he went back on his word of being strict and getting her act together. Plus, if he tried, she would just sneak out anyway. No respect but wanted everything at the same time.
This whole time I'm thinking "if you would have just listened to me for years now when I was trying to HELP YOU and them..this is WHY..because I knew that this was going to happen". I did say it sort of but not much.
He would ask me to drive her places and watch her, etc. and I said nope. Not my responsibility, You want her here you take care of her. She needs to be at home with her mom and her sisters.
Anyway, it got bad and she wound up sneaking off with some guy she met on Tinder and my husband couldn't find her anywhere so called the cops after someone saw something disturbing on social media and the cops found her almost dead from an overdose with some guy she met on a dating app (17 years old).
The mom didn't even come to visit her when she was in the ICU but my daughter and I did even though him and I are separated but still seeing each other cause I'm trying to see if it'll change.
When she got out of the hospital her took her phone away but still had to go to work so no one to watch her all day. Well, he left her with the x box and he comes home one day from work and she's gone! He found out that she had run away with the guy she met on tinder when she was found sleeping in a car at a mall near her mom's home at her mom's state. The cops took her to her mom and she was there for about a year.
Came back to visit with her younger sister (who is fine) and told my husband it's his fault she wanted to die from drugs even though he coddled and gave her everything. Then moved into some apartment with weird 18-year-olds that robbed her of everything and she wound up back at his home over the last two months.
Here is the kicker. She moved back in with him WITH her boyfriend. He allowed her to bring her boyfriend with her! Again, no job, no high school diploma. No nothing.
I had to call him due to an insurance question. He happened to update me that his 18 year old daughter who has been staying with him for two weeks, her boyfriend is staying there as well. He doesn't even know this guy and he will do ANYTHING for his daughters to be with him. Mind you, this is the one that pays no mind to him, walks all over him and only uses him when she needs him. She doesn't help keep the house clean, didn't graduate high school, won't get her GED. Just living free off of him now WITH her boyfriend.
So this triggered me a little. Reason being, because I know that if we still lived together, I would have NO say in him staying there. Even if it made me uncomfortable.
So I decided to test him. To see if what he said on Friday really means anything. He failed.
I texted him after and said: Remember when we talked Friday? About not living together cause I would get no say? Her boyfriend staying there is a better example than the one I gave. If we were ever to live together again and I didn't feel comfortable with that would you still let him still stay? Cause it's to make your daughter happy? Serious question and I know it's not our situation now, but when I said I was afraid to ever live with you again cause of things, these are reasons why. So can you let me know if I lived there, how you would handle it?"
He responded with: Great stuff! Awesome. I would handle it just like his mom. Final answer.
Then proceeded to call me and bite my head off by saying: It would depend on the circumstances on the situation and extenuating circumstance. He wouldn’t be able to just say no with his hand down on the table. That we let my daughters partner stay with us when she didn't have a place to stay.
I said: You offered. I never asked and this is a different situation because it’s a man. I said, again, this wasn’t the reason that I was asking, I wanted to see how you would approach it for future reference to see if there was possibility of any change within you.
He said: Rambling angry words and just kept saying like oh my gosh, can you imagine if it was this way and that way and all these other things and then hung up on me.
So yes, I get it was a random and hypothetical question, but a changed response would’ve been something like, I know we’re not living together, but I understand why you’re asking. If you were uncomfortable with it, you’re still my wife and we would sit down and have a conversation about it and then take it from there. That we both have two different viewpoints but we would work it out. But no. He just can’t do that.
So two weeks ago he said things are very different. She cleaned the whole house, made him his lunch for work, etc. All to manipulate him. So he has his baby again and he has completely lost me. We were headed towards divorce anyway, but we have lived apart for 5 years and stuff has still been the same or worse.
He even asked me if I wanted to move into his house with him and I said NOPE. I want no part of it because it's never going to change. His older daughter is a hot mess and will now play mini wife to not have to work or do anything and live for free and get all that she wants from him.
NO THANK YOU. I'm fine living alone the last few years. Lonely and scary at times but I have peace of mind. I can do what I want when I want. Not walk on eggshells anymore.
I'm here to tell you all that it DOESN'T get better. Not even as they get older. You all were SO RIGHT. I wish I could get back the years that I wasted but I can't. I'm still young (going on 50 and feel young) and will NEVER go through something like this again.
Get out while you can. It's not worth it. Life is too short.
I'm sad very sad about all of this but I also know it's time. I deserve to be happy. I feel relieved at the same time but it's all a process. I'm very trauma bonded to him as well. I tried everything for years and years. Even suggested therapy for us separately cause we both need it and he needs to figure out why he allows this manipulation by them. It was so hard to see but at the end of the day he is a grown man and makes his own choices.
P.S. I hope I don't sound insensitive because of course I care about his daughters and wish them the best, but this isn't a life I want to be a part of anymore. So, I'm moving on and wishing them well.
P.S.S. The assault wasn’t the first time either. I dealt with PA from him at least a dozen times over 15 years.
You don't sound insensitive.
You don't sound insensitive. The minute he shoved you, you should've left and filed for divorce. IMO, he's a selfish jerk who is emotionally married to his daughters and will never be a good partner for anyone. Ever. I'm sorry you went through all of that. {{{hugs}}}
THis guy assaulted you,
THis guy assaulted you, marginalized you, and led you along for half a decade or more.
You are not insensitive. He, is a piece of shit.
Oh how I wish you ahd pressed assault charges, put his ass in prison, and ended him.
As it is, you are married so.. the market growth in the home is half yours. It has been serviced by marital income so make sure you get half or more of every Cent that you have a claim to. If you can mazimize your resources while putting him in a refrigerator box under an overpass, BONUS!
Do not temper your actions with misplaced sensitivity to a fantasy of what you wished he would be or fantasy of what you hoped your would be together. When someone shows and tells you who they are, believe them. Categorize him by his actions and do not be fooled by his words.
He is... a piece of shit. Pure and simple. Flush him, get on with living your best life, while taking everything your PitPull attorney can squeeze out of his idiot ass.
Living well is what you owe yourself. It is also the best revenge. Have fun living that revenge.
Thank you for confirming and
Thank you for confirming and for the hugs Aniki-Moderator - Right back atcha!
Rags - Thank you as well! We have no assets together. I kept everything separate as far as bank accounts, no children, no home so all I want is my maiden last name restored.
My eyes are wide open after so many years. It's so strange how you think you'll never have the strength to move on and one day I just woke up and said I'm done. Developed this profound strength and courage out of nowhere.
I am so tempted to file a police report for the incident in 2019. I wonder if I should or if I can. I'm so upset he got away with that incident and all of the others from years before. He should be held accountable.
But yes, I'm done. Moving on with my life. I'm so scared starting over. It is lonely because other than my job and my beautiful adult daughter I don't have friends. I don't know how to begin living again.
You begin with one day at a
You begin with one day at a time. You're starting over FREE from this abusive jerkwad. You life is already better.
If you have interests or hobbies, look for group activities to attend. Join a book club. Take a class/course: cooking, quilting, gardening.
And it might help to find a therapist to help you deal with the trauma. Onward and upward! *give_rose*
YAY!!!!!
I practically jumped out of my seat reading your post and updates. Def file a report. And def put your energy into your bio, but most importantly put your love, care and energy into YOU.
Thats right, you. Do things that make you happy and extend yourself out into unfamiliar territory. Do things that are healing. All that back and forth didnt allow you to heal, it just re-opened the wounds continually. Trust that he sucks. Trust that they suck.
HI there CLove! Thank you!
HI there CLove! Thank you!
If I file a report would he be arrested now? I hate to have that in public record. I'm thinking about it.
But YES, I'm done. Feeling stronger than ever but still scared. It's weird.
The NC is what is helping me stay strong. Because when we were texting and hanging out I was still holding on to hope.
He DOES suck and so do they. I should of known one of them would turn out to be terrible, which is very sad because of the fact for the older one who is a real mess is really 50% him and 50% her mom and it's NOT a good mix either way.
But she is him in female form. I think sometimes she is his karma.
I don't have to worry about it anymore though!
Public Record
... might help his next victim if his history is officially documented. But now that you're free I could also see just letting the past stay in the past.
If you haven't already, BLOCK that loser & his spawn from phone, email, and social media. NEVER let them suck you back in with any "things have changed" or "It's an urgent emergency" b s. You're free now, so ensure these fiends can't get to you.
He is blocked but I didn't
He is blocked but I didn't even think to block his daughters. They never call anyway but I will. Thanks for bringing that up!
I understand the escape at
I understand the escape at any cost intent. However, you may have a clear claim against any market or morgage pay off equity growth in the home from the date of the marriage.
I for one, would make sure that someone this toxic felt the consequences of the ass reaming I left with them with after the divorce hearing.
Though nowhere near as toxic as what you have lived with this POS, I walked away from my final divorce hearing with nearly everything I wanted. We walked out of the hearing where the Judge issued the divorce order with property settlement together. The elevator ride down was silent. We walked out of the bldg together, I held the door for her, we got to the sidewalk and I stepped off the curb, crossed the street, got in my car, and drove away. I had tears streaming down my face and a huge grin on my face. As I stepped off of the curb she reached for me, ptu a hand on my shoulder and I just kept going. She burst into sobs. She was still standing on the curb sobbing as I drove off. That was the last time I layed eyes on her for about 6 years. I mourned the whole experience. I did not mourn her. She was a serially adulterous batshit crazy gaslighting POS. No loss in that at all.
There is no need to cost yourself more than neccessary and making your exit message one of a just division of anything you have a claim to is the right exit plan IMHO.
When she played the D card a couple of months later she and my XFIL were moving her stuff out of our home, the locksmith was driving up the street as they pulled out of the driveway with a trailer full of her crap. That was a Friday. The next AM she was banging on the front door. The locksmith had installed new locks and security/storm door that she did not have a key to. I opened the door wrapped in a towel keeping the security door secured. She was losing her mind that it was her house too and that I could not lock her out. I informed her that she was no longer a resident of the home. Then she went dead silent with a shocked look on her face.
A beautiful blonde walked up behind me wrapped in a bedsheet. DW had already moved in with her Geriatric Fortune 500 Executive sugar/babby daddy who she was knocked up by. But in her delusional mind there was a huge problem with me having female company in my home/residence and nothing wrong with her being an adulterous whore for the entire duration of our 1yr engagement and 2 year marriage. The divorce was signed by the Judge 30mos after the wedding.
Now that you are done and have filed, make the rest of the steps purely about ticking the boxes and maximize your return while fully embracing your new life adventure and living your best life.
IMHO of course.
Thank you so much! did you
Thank you so much! did you see that I edited the post to add some other things that happened?
I saw. Talking about it
I saw. Talking about it helps. Update as you choose. Take care of yourself!!!!
Well..he just stopped by.
Well..he just stopped by. Knocked on my door and I walked in the room and closed it. He left but I’m so triggered now and crying.
I wish he wouldn’t have. I feel so terrible knowing he’s knocking at my door and ignoring it.
In my mind when he does this it makes me think he still loves me and is trying. I know that’s not the truth.
But even though I’m angry and done, why did that just set me off?
I do feel like I need to let him know we’re done. Cause even though I’ve filed for divorce before it didn’t stick and we still were together.
so, I did just call him and say I saw that you stopped by what was that for? He said I just wanted to see how you were doing. I told him I was fine. And asked how he was doing. He said that he's been working a lot. I asked him if he got the divorce papers and he said yes and that they're asking for all of these things to wear. I told him as long as he doesn't respond to it a certain date I will just call and schedule the hearing and then it'll be done. He said OK. I said is there anything else that you want to say and he said sure sarcastically . I said OK well, what is it and he said oh I guess you want me to tell you now. And I said nope you don't have to. It's fine. But I can't see you or talk to you. He said OK this makes no sense. He say you wanna hear what I have to say but you can't talk to me or see me. I told him he was being difficult. He said he doesn't know how he's being difficult but, I said I don't know what else to say at this point. He said all right and hung up.
Look at me saying I’m so strong a minute ago and now here I am feeling sad again.
i hate this so much. He is blocked again.
It's like I have to be done, but I'm also waiting to hear the words that I've been wanting to hear for so long even though I know they're probably not true. I'm so damn sad now.
((HUGS))
Hes playing with you like a narcissist. Disengage and no contact! You are still healing and picking at the scab. Stop!!!!
He is harrasing you. File for
He is harrasing you. File for an RO/PO keeping him away from you, your home, etc.... Then when he violates, have his ass frog marched to the LEO cruiser in hand cuffs for a fun night with his lockup roomies.
Lather... rince..... repeat.
The divorce sticking, or not, is entirely on you.
Stay the course. Be your own best advocate. Stop getting in your own way.
When my XW played the D card and I told her to go file she broke down in tears and whined "You're not going to fight for meeeeeeeee!!!!!!!". I told her I had been the only one fighting for us the entire marriage and I was done. I was all in, she was not in at all. Not ever. Not during the year we were engaged and not for the 27mos we cohabbitated after the wedding. We were more married from the time the divorce was filed until the Judge signed the decree than we had been for the entire predeeding relationship. We had to communicate and work together to get to the end.
Be careful, it is not unusual for a bonding to occur after filing as things are progressing to finality. My XW did some weird shit during that phase. Becomming affectionate and outlining a plan for us to become lovers after we divorced. I certainly appreciated the decompression that occurred during that phase by but by then, I would not touch her with someone elses dick much less my own.
As we got closer to the divorce being final, I grew increasingly more in touch with the man I enjoyed being rather than the miserable defeated person I was during the marriage. She became more polar in her moods swinging between sorrow, attempted re-connection, and ranting fury. Even as my reconnection with the "energetic young man with the childlike zest for life" (as the therapist stated her description of who I had become over the 10-ish month was in therapy during the couples phase and the phase after my XW walked out of session never to return) I mourned the time I lost with the "myself" I liked and I mourned the looming fact that I was going to be one of those divorced guys.
It is okay to recognize your regrets. It is not okay to flog yourself and re-engage to the person who in large part did this to you.
Move on.
Much like you are all in and and your blessedly STBXH has not been in at all. Mortification of one's own flesh is a choice. Stop with the self flagilation and end your own misery by ending him and getting on with your best life.
No matter how long you spend polishing a turd, it is still nothing more than shiney shit. Stop trying to turn the shit that he is into a diamond. It cannot happen.
Take care of you.
Thanks!!
Thanks!!
Rags is it weird that like your ex I'm screaming why aren't you fighting for me? Even though, like you I was the only one fighting for your marriage?
Does that even make sense? I might be emotionally drained right now.
He is blocked again and I won't be unblocking.
I needed to say those words of "I can't talk to or see you" because I haven't said it so bluntly. It's been more like "I need peace of mind to gather my thoughts, etc."
And I'm sure I confused him with filing, then still seeing each other and then saying perhaps we can work it out down the road. I just don't want to be married.
So, my emotional back and forth has impacted him too, I'm sure. I don't feel good about that.
At the same token, I'm emotionally confused because of all of the years of this stuff.
But, I told him and he's blocked and I'm thinking due to ego won't be back around.
Baby steps for now. However,
Baby steps for now. However, you need to start stretching those steps soon. You have blocked him. Don't unblock him.
Have you filed yet? If not, do it now.
You are an empath. You will distroy yourself to avoid destroying someone who is destroying you.
Please don't continue to do that to yourself. Go back ane re-read all of your posts on him, sit down and do the history spreadsheet on what he has perpetrated toxically in your life.
You are resetting your grief and pain every day because you keep engaging mentally and emotionally if not actively.
You are important. You control it. So control it. What he feels, wants, or does is irrelevant as he has proven who he is.
Huge hugs and many toasts to your joyous new life adventure.
You're right Rags.
You're right Rags.
I filed already. He has until mid June to contest it and file something with the court but the court told me if he doesn't by then I can call to schedule the hearing.
When I asked him earlier if he got the divorce papers, he said yes but the papers said he has to send all of this stuff in to where I told him, you don't have to do anything. If you do nothing, I can schedule the hearing. He just said ok.
I'm not surprised that he says he has to do "something" because he doesn't pay attention to important things, not even legal matters.
The notice says:
If you wish to respond to the Complaint, you must deliver a written Answer to the Plaintiff’s attorney (or the Plaintiff if not represented by an attorney) at the above address within 28 days after receiving this Summons (not counting the day you received it). A letter or a phone call will not protect you. Civil Rule 5 explains the ways that you may deliver the Answer. You must also file a copy of your Answer with this Court within 3 days after you serve it on the Plaintiff. You can file your Answer with the Clerk of Courts by one of the following methods: 1) In-person or by mail at the above address or 2) electronically through the online e-Filing system. For more information on using the e-Filing system, visit http://
If you fail to serve and file your Answer, you will lose valuable rights. The Court will decide the case in favor of the Plaintiff and grant the relief requested in the Complaint by entering a default judgment against you.
So yes, I filed and in mid June, I will call to schedule the hearing because I'm sure he won't file an answer and when I told he has to do nothing he said ok.
Ghost Him
After I filed, my now-xH tried allllll manner of tactics to "Hoover" me back. Four months after I filed & had ex move out (of course he immediately had my then-21 now-xSS move in with him!), our old dog finally passed away, so I had ZERO reason to have any kind of contact with now-xH. I had my divorce attorney tell xH all communication must go through my attorney - that I did not want to speak to or correspond with xH.
So this is my warning to you, because manipulative, gaslighting narcissists HATE losing access to you! My xH kept coming by and leaving love letters, gifts, and notes; he drove by my house every day (neighbors kept seeing him and he'd even stop to talk to them and tell them he loves me & misses living here), and blowing up my attorney's inbox, trying to get me to respond. He lied in his divorce papers about the value of our assets (no real estate or bio's together, thank God) and I had to get a forensic accountant to formally valuate my retirement accounts from before/during the marriage, since xH overstated what he was "entitled" to. Although xH moved 1.25 hours away over a year ago, he still drives by my house on his days off.
So, hopefully your STBXH doesn't do any of that, but it's 100% typical narcissist behavior that you should be prepared to 100% NOT respond to... unless it's to get a restraining order if needed. I didn't get a RO because I didn't want to reward my xH with getting to see me in court at a RO hearing. Me & all my neighbs have cameras & neighbs are all aware he's not welcome here.
Again, hopefully none of that happens to you. Keep your head on a swivel though; people like this think they own you so be careful and NEVER give them your attention again. They don't learn.
You are in for a rough ride
i've been through this with 3 SD's, and you are in for a rough ride with these girls. I would think very hard about how much you love this man and if its not worth it, leave him.
If he is worth it, he needs to be trained (takes many years) to listen to you and teach his kids to respect you and your home. It took my DH 12 years to do this, and he still has a hard time seeing his daughters for what they are: manipulative bullies.
Good luck. I hope you have fewer emotional scars from this than I do. I swear I have PTSD from dealing with this.
Yes, I know. It'll never
Yes, I know. It'll never change. He's an entitled narcissist with major daddy guilt issues that he refuses to get help for.
This is turn has caused him to raise his older daughter to be the same as him. She's a mini him. Looks and personality and attitude. It's honestly scary. The younger one not so bad.
I love him. I adore him. The good side of him. I also love his daughters and really loved our blended family when things were good. There were more bad than good though. Especially as they got older.
IF he had shown signs of change, wanting to get therapy, etc. Then perhaps but again, it was NEVER him OR them OR their mom. It was all me and all in my head.
I'm sorry you have PTSD. I understand because I do too. It's the worst feeling. 15 years of emotional abuse, gaslighting "it's all you and in your head", physical at times which included breaking things, punching holds in walls, tables, etc.
On top of shutting me down whenever I had a thought, or tried to help him discipline, etc. I was the "mean step mom" and look at all he's dealing with now?
Anyway, I am looking for a therapist that specializes in trauma but again, I thought things would be different when they were moved out, etc. but nope. It's NEVER going to change.
I'm praying for you and your healing from all of this.
Glad you're done
Glad you're on the road to freedom!
You are right
He will never change. His DD are playing him. He's asserting his DD playing him, unfortunately your SO is not ready for a new relationship with you. His ex, and DD not only cone first, but are the only thing that matters. All he needs is a bed partner. The thing his DD can't give him and the ex will not give him.
Be happy you are free, it's not goung to get better, Some "stupit thing of the week. " will come up, and he will go off . You must disengage, stop careing about. Dysfunction SD, Dysfunctional EX wife. His Dysfunctional life, or you will come dysfunctional yourself. Your life now has nothing to do with your ex, He did it to himself, he chose to pick his DD and ex over you.
THANK YOU for the update. Hope some young step person involved in a dysfunctional relationship will understand, that things don't change. That there is no magic age where things get turn around. [When kids reach 18 things will change ]. No 18 birthday is just another day except for someone paying for a big party with the un paying ex invited.. step parents. This is your life