Likely divorce
After nearly five years of marriage, my husband and I are considering divorce. Over the years, I have struggled with the sense of not being seen, heard, and valued. I believe some of this experience was rooted in my own history (growing up in an alcoholic household)...but some was also rooted in the fact that I moved to be in this marriage and I am the step-parent. My husband is very child-centerd (good for my step-son in some ways, not so good for our relationship).
I wish I was able to find more contentment on my own and more easily accept family dynamics the way they are. My husband has said he has done all of the changing he can do. From the start, I have been the one that struggled. From my husband's perspective, everything was fine...the only thing that needed to change was me (to become happier with the way things are).
I don't like the fact that I withdrew emotionally. I don't even understand it entirely. But I know, after a few years together, I stopped initiating...and more recently, even stopped responding (like putting my hand on his if he set his hand on my leg or shoulder).
We tried counseling and workbooks but nothing seemed to change things very substantially.
Another thing I struggle with includes my husband's flirting with other men (we are in a same-sex marriage). When I have brought this up, he usually says he was just looking or that it's not a big deal. The flirting usually takes the form of staring at waiters at restaurants, or staring at other men at airports or other public places. I've wondered whether part of this is due to the fact that my husband came-out as gay much more recently than I did.
But this has been our pattern. My impressions or observations are usually challenged as not rooted in fact and too emotionally based.
Last spring, in the middle of the pandemic, I had an experience that underscored the sense of not being included. My husband sent a "family" picture to my step-son's school that included his ex-wife, himself, and my step-son. I wasn't in the picture. The picture was used in a zoom end-of-year ceremony for the school. I didn't see the picture until I attended the ceremony. When I brought this up, my husband said he was following the rules of the school. What kind of rules are these? Even if that was the case, checking in with me ahead of time would have been nice.
Even though it has been difficult, I still dread the anticipated loss involved in divorce. I've so wanted marriage in my life. At the age of 59, I don't know if I'll have another chance.
I guess my choice is to accept things the way they are or leave. Ugh. Tough decision to make.
When he stares at other men
When he stares at other men when he's with you has nothing to do with when he came out; he does it because he's an ignorant arse. I'm angry for you.
Anger
Yes, it makes me quite angry. One time, it was so obvious, the waiter came up to our table and said "can I help you?" Another time, my husband had his legs spread open at the airport as he watched another man. As I looked over, the other man grabbed his crotch as he walked away. In the first example, my husband minimized it, saying it was no big deal. I didn't even bring up the second example because it would have led to another confrontation (and I'm sure he would say I was overreacting).
It is heartbreaking to feel
It is heartbreaking to feel that you aren't enough. I too experience the random flirting and it's like a knife to the heart every time. I don't know what's going on with your DH, but it sounds like he isn't ready for or doesn't want the kind of relationship that you want. You mention he came out more recently than you. Maybe he desires to be out and single? But the family photo with BM makes it seem like he isn't even all the way out?
In any case, you deserve a relationship where the person is 100% "in", as in 100% committed to you. It sounds like he just doesn't know how to be, and you are suffering. Honestly, i always thought one of the benefits of being same sex was not having to worry about kids and stepkids. You are sacrificing a lot by being with him. Changing your whole lifestyle to accomodate a skid and BM isn't something gay men usually have to deal with (though i'm sure there is plenty to deal with even without all this prior family mess.) IDK what to say except that I sympathize and wish you well, no matter what happens. You will survive either with or without him, and i promise he isn't your last chance.
Sorry to hear this
Sounds like you've given a solid effort. Long distance relationships that end in marriage can be complicated because neither of you truly had "lived" together before you moved and started living together. Now you are finding it wasn't what you wanted or expected. That sucks. Myself, the school slideshow would not be something I would take too hard- they are his parents - and who knows what the stupid rules are? I get that your feelings of exclusion are the underlying valid cause. Yet, it seems the bigger problem is that your husband isn't opening up himself to allow you in- so perhaps focus on your direct relationship with him alone at this juncture? The decision to divorce is really tough - only you can decide whether this is irretrievable. Whatever decision you make I hope it leads you to happiness.
Whiplash
Just saw your comment about whiplash from 50% custody. Good description- but hard to address. The dynamic in the house will change when the child is there - even in a healthy family. Three is very different than two. Your husband will focus attention on his boy - and they will have a separate bond - it's one of the adjustments you have to make as a childless step parent. That said, you shouldn't be intentionally excluded or ignored the whole visit. What could your husband do to make you feel better?
Email
I just received an email from my husband indicating he plans to move forward with divorce. He said my distancing and constriction around him demonstrate how this isn't going to work between us. Part of me wants to push back to stay in the marriage but the other part thinks back on the bumpy ride over the past 4-5 years.
Hiawatha
Any breakup is hard. We tend to amplify the good over the really bad when scared in facing the unknown.
The known, your DH does not respect you or your marriage. Like others have mentioned you deserve to be cherished and adored. I know what its like to be with a man who is flirtatious and adoring of others (to my ex SD ewww but thats my example).
Unknown can be a fullfilling future where you dont have to second guess your partners actions.
Consider the divorce a gift. You know the kind of gift at first you dont really want, but then later realize how good a gift it was.
Allow yourself to grieve. Blessings
Oh, so it's all on you?
Oh, so it's all on you?
Good riddance, I say. He's very selfish and perhaps has been pushing you away on purpose, with the flirting and excluding you.
Lack of character has nothing
Lack of character has nothing to do with coming out sooner, later or at all. Of course your DH isn't willing to change. That is your job within the marriage. smh
Our son has struggled with relationships since coming out because he insists on a mutually respectful equity life partnership. Flirting and a wandering eye has no place in a marriage.
Appreciating attractive people is one thing, flirting and disrespecting a mate is something else entirely.
Date
My husband also asked me to move out by July 17th, less than two weeks from now. He's taken over the mortgage payments (starting this month), so I don't know whether I can negotiate anything. I've been interviewing for jobs out of State but no offers yet. I'd like to avoid hiring an attorney but I may have no choice.
If you have ever paid
If you have ever paid anything toward that house or your joint living expenses, do not walk away from that house. Get what's fair so you can start over and find someone who wants the same things you do. This guy sounds confused, his life is a mess, and he sounds very selfish. Besides companionship (when he wasn't ignoring you for his son or openly flirting with other men), it sounds like you weren't getting much out of this relationship anyway. In a few years you will be glad he emded it.
Yes! Property values have
Yes! Property values have gone up quite a bit in the last several years! Do not walk away from equity built. He can buy you out or the home can be sold.
Any investments, investment
Any investments, investment growth, market equity or payment equity in the home, etc... that were realized during the duration of your marriage are marital assets. He can take over payments but until the divorce is final you have a claim to any equity that is grown.
Get a killer attorney, don't go cheap. Invariably you will regret it if you do.
So first things first, I'm
So first things first, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I think with time you will find the blessing in this and to escape the madness, but it doesn't make it hurt less at the time.
So here's some practical advise. Granted, I do not know what your financial situation is, who owns the home or your state-what I do know is do NOT MOVE OUT under ANY circumstance until you speak to a lawyer, even if it's his home.
Continue making mortgage payments or other bills to show you are still contributing to the household equally. Not sure if you have a joint bank account - you can't NOT afford to hire an attorney, kwim? It is a must. It seems to me your husband already may know a thing or two and is counting on you not wanting to get an attorney to make it easy for himself.
So you stay put, find several good attorneys in your area and consult with them. Find a shark. You've invested 5 years into this marriage, and you should get what is fair. No matter how hard it is to share the home, you can move into the guest room or better yet, stay put and let him take the couch. Most states have some laws of protection during marriage -he can't just ask you to leave in 2 weeks.
Consult an Attorney
I'm an attorney: Please talk to an attorney. You can interview a few (many do free or low-cost consultations for prospective clients): Get yourself some good legal advice!!! With no shared children, it might not even be that complicated, but you DO need legal advice!
Don't Give Up
I can feel the sadness and pain in your post. Be true to your own feelings. Your unhappiness is not imagined. I was married for 8 years many years ago. I remarried 4 years ago at the age of 56 ! I had given up on the idea of having a great relationship but then I met a wonderful, kind, and generous man when I least expected it. Getting out of your marriage is a good thing for YOU...don't go through life feeling short-changed by the one person who is most responsible for your happiness. Good luck friend.