You are here

She won't let him come to the wedding.......

hammesamie's picture

Submitted by hammesamie on Wed, 02/21/2007 - 11:48pm

I am 25, my fiance of 4 years and I have been planning our wedding for 2 years. We chose the date 7/7/07 because 7 is the Holy Day (and also my favorite number). I have 3 children of my own, but I also have a stepson who is almost 5. We have had visitation, and things have recently gotten better with the mother, however; when we state we want him to be involved in our marriage, it is a NO. There have been any excuses. My husband is a quiet man, people say I talk enough for the both of us, so I called and explained that not only are we joining ourselves in marriage, but we are trying to show the children that we are all one blended family, and that there are no unequals. We are having a sand ceremony instead of the unity candle ceremony and have planned for the children to take part. I love my stepson to death. Her excuse then was that Scott (my fiancee) had told her he needed him and not that he wanted him there. She said it sounded to her like he was saying he had to have him there, which is not at all what he was trying to state. We have him for the 4th of July, so we thought it would all be fine. Granted we drive 3 hours there and 3 hours back everyother Friday to pick him up and make that same trip on Sundays, and she had never met us half way. It is not as though he just wants him just that day. He goes out of his way to make it possible to see his child. A lot of people think it is jealousy, and I try to understand from her point of veiw, but I can't. It is not just about us, it is about the fact that when he grows up if he is not in attendence, I feel like he is going to feel like we didn't care if he was part of the day or not. If she was to get married we would never object to trading time so that he could be part of that day. Your wedding day is suppose to be the happiest day of your life, but I feel like it is not, and I should not feel this way. How can I make her understand?????

Comments

Bonus Wife's picture

Submitted by Bonus Wife on Thu, 02/22/2007 - 6:22am

HI...
I try not to "project" about the future anymore. Just take it one day at a time. Maybe this was just her initial reaction and it will change. Believe me you will think of something that will make it possible to have all the kids at your special day. I too was nervous about the "what would transpire" that day. We bought our SD dress a week before, and she wanted to bring it home to show "mom." Well, I begged hubby not to let her because "who knew" what could happen. Instead we sent her with a photo...She wasn't happy but in ensured that the dress stayed here and didn't get lost or dirty! Anyway we did the sand ceremony too and it was soooo ideal! Best wishes to you...keep the faith and it will work out just the way it was meant to.

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Thu, 02/22/2007 - 7:36am

you said that you are getting him ofr the 4th? Well can you possibly get married on the 4th without telling her so he can be there? I think that she is very jealous but also try to see what you can do legally with getting him for that special day! In the perfect world she would be happy that you two are including him in the ceremony. Unfortunately it is not reality. IS she young as well? Just curious! \

I know you have your heart set on the 7-7 but maybe compormise for him to be there. And keep it a secret from her. I know that may not be right but she will not I don't think let him come anytime just because she doesn't want it to happen.

JMO
Happy

hammesamie's picture

Submitted by hammesamie on Thu, 02/22/2007 - 8:12am

We already have invitatons sent out and everything planned for that day. We have a lot of out of state guests who also have reservations too!

Elle36's picture

Submitted by Elle36 on Thu, 02/22/2007 - 8:45am

Spend the money and have your lawyer wirte a letter. Something stating that your husband has been denied a visitation or denied his son. Go to extremes if necessary. Make her look like the unreasonable one. Do not speak to her anymore about the issue. She is just bent out of shape and will stick to her guns reguardless of what is right. She knows what the right thing to do is......maybe even tell son that his mom won't let him come to the wedding. I know that is dirty but be honest with the SS.

Little Jo's picture

Submitted by Little Jo on Thu, 02/22/2007 - 11:30am

I'm not looking forward to. 2 of the 4 future skids recently found out we are planning to get married. The 16 y.o. spotted the David Bridal dress bag in the closet. I was nervous, but told them. Her first reaction was 'we are invited, aren't we.? Which of couse if they want to be there, they should be. Is BM going to lose her mind? I can bet on it.

I really, strongly believe it should be up to the child/ren. Not that an adult NEEDS them there, not an adult WANTS them there, or doesn't WANT them there. It should be about what the child WANTS.

Just my 2 cents. Good Luck Jo

Caitlin's picture

Submitted by Caitlin on Thu, 02/22/2007 - 11:53am

You know, there is no other reason than jealousy when they come up with nonsensical excuses like that. It's not about whether your fiance wants or needs his son at your wedding, it's the fact that she is jealous and insecure about her son taking part in the union of his new family. This new family doesn't involve her and she's petrified - what if he likes it better with you guys? what if you take her place in his eyes? what if he wants to live with you instead of her?

A good mother admits feeling this way and finds how to work through it for the kid's sake. A bad mother just selfishly keeps her kid to herself in the hopes that he won't choose his other family over her if not given the chance. It's so very sad when parents can't see that they are just hurting the child they proclaim to love by undermining his relationship with the other parent. Too sad for words.

Given all that, how are YOU going to deal with this? If you can convince BM that SS would be hurt if not allowed to attend, then maybe she will find it in her heart to let him go. But, if BM won't let SS come to your wedding, you're going to have to find a way to not let it eat you up. Make a special celebration with him and all the kids, and re-do the sand ceremony. Set up a "congregation" of all the favorite stuffed animals to witness the blending families. Repeat your vows, have music, sparkling cider, have the kids make toasts to the bride and groom, dance, and enjoy the reenactment of your big day. That way he will feel included so you won't have to worry about him thinking you don't care about him. As for the tremendous hole in your hearts when he is not there on the actual day, just know that he is there in spirit and try not to let it spoil what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life!