Kid is making me wonder if he's a psychopath
Wow, just wow - sorry for the long post. It was meant to be short but started typing and didn't stop. Sorry for the cursing.
Seriously, ever single time something comes up - I wonder more and more if this kid is going to turn out to be a psychopath. From my previous posts, he is 15 so granted there is some teenage self centeredness going on. But there is a line of general human empathy that you give even to people that you despise. This kid seems to be missing it, and combined with other general charactestics I'm starting to seriously wonder. First, he can def. be charming, articulate, intelligent, and witty when he wants something. Or if the situation calls for it, turns on the puppy eyes and the tears start flowing. When people give him what he wants, it's very shortlived regardless of the sacrifices made. When he doesn't get what he wants, the anger, cussing, and making life a general hell is on. So give him what he wants all the time, everything is good - when it's not, watch out. No way to raise a kid, and my SO realizes this so she doesn't give him everything. Daddy on the other hand is his BFF.
The kid is also a master lier and has often lied to get his way - to the point, that his mom went to bat for him at the court and drew out massive court battles all summer. Why? All because the kid lied and said the dad did something that he blew way out of proportion. So now that he knows it works, I'm very surprised he hasn't lied to CPS to let him go live with the dad (he has often screamed this wish in between curses). Pretty much due to this court battle, the dad has him for about half the month.
Finally, his lack of emotion towards his actions that caused other pain and his lack of empathy towards anyone is very concerning. He doesn't seem to ever realize that cussing, saying how terrible his mom is, how much he hates her, etc. hurts her. I mean, he does this all the time WAY beyond anything that is normal. It doesn't just stop with family, he's lost a ton of friends at school due to his egotistical, arrogant attitude and the inability to realize that his actions will cause harm. He cheated on a girl (kissed another right in front of her friends) because he felt like it, then didn't understand why she was so hurt and broke up with him. It's her fault and she should have gotten over it.
Finally, my SO's dad is in the hospital and most likely will not make it past this weekend. She has been torn up about this, and the kid was fairly close to his grandfather. During this time, the absolute lack of empathy shown towards her is amazing. Not only has he stated that the dad never loved her, he felt like she was a failure, etc. but has also called the dad who my SO currently has a restraining order against. My SO was the bigger person and gave space so that the son and him could have some alone time with the granddad. The dad is now refusing to leave the room because the son wants him there more then the mom and "the dad and grandfather were closer then you" (not true, the grandfather hated the dad and actually paid a quarter of the divorce lawyer's fee to get my SO out). So pretty much, yea - the kid feels that his needs are more important then the mom's who own frickin' dad is dying. Even the rest of the family has said that he needs to leave, but he still refuses (both the dad to leave, and the kid to ask his dad to leave). Now I understand grief affects everyone differently, but seriously - this comes under the heading COMMON.FUCKING.SENSE and BASIC.HUMAN.DECENCY. There is not a person in this world who I would even begin to mess with their last moments of a loved one, no matter how much I hated the person.
Damn, maybe I am awful, but up to a year ago - I was holding out hope that this kid could change. But now that I see that he lacks even the most basic of common fucking courtesy and human empathy, all I want to do is get through this with my SO, leave the kid with dad, forget about him and never look back, and try to start over. This kid is never going to change, and is going to end up dead somewhere or in prison. His hopes for the military aren't looking good as even the recruiters are seriously starting to question his mental compenancy and mentioned that he may not even past the mental screening. I love my SO but why did I have to start dating the one normal fucking person of her family?
Professional help didn't work and again, he has no problems - it's everyone else. Re-enforced by the idea that he is perfect being told to him by his fuckin dad who needs to be locked up somewhere, and meds forced down his throat until the world stops spinning.
I'm so sorry that you're
I'm so sorry that you're going through this crap! This is only my opinion, but I think most teenagers are sociopaths. I believe that they are completly self centered. As a parent, I remember how awful my own kids were at that age. They thought the freaking world revolved around them and never had any consideration for anyone or anything. HOWEVER...they DID get through it and now are decent human beings. So there may be hope for him yet.
However, mine didn't have an enabling parent like your SS does so he may never mature and realize what a tiny little cog in a very big wheel he is. Your SO may want to go ahead and send him to his BF and let them be buddies while she goes through the greiving process. She needs to tell him why though. I would NEVER have tolerated my sons speaking to me like that. They would have been knocked thru the wall.
Thanks for the advice - I
Thanks for the advice - I kind of regret posting this but I needed somewhere to let out frustration/anger before I did something stupid at work. I'm still holding out hope that he will turn out ok, and I left out that he was crying when saying the very hurtful things about her dad. This post was mostly one long-ass rant, not really true to my feelings. I don't normally post except when things get really bad or top me. Maybe this is part of grieving, I'm not sure - I'm as lost as anyone as this is the first real "adult" thing I've ever had to do in a relationship. There isn't some quick fix, no way to take away her pain, it's going to be a long, hard process that because she gave me a chance - I owe it to her to be strong for her. Maybe in part, I'm grieving... Anyone have any advice on this one? I'm seriously lost and just am going with the flow with listening to her, and trying to be there as much as possible for her without actually physically being there (son reasons).
I don't hold anything against him but on the same token, I don't consider him my step-son. I want him to become part of our family, but it's up to him to meet me half-way. I don't think he has the ability to do this right now, as the complex intricacies and emotions of a blended family are really something that can truly be understood once relationships are established and the needs of adults are truly understood. There is no way to force this besides to experience it yourself. How else can you possibly explain why some people put up with the crap that they do when running for the hills seems to be the best and easiest solution? I'm sorry but if your afraid of being alone, and lacking sex - it's a pretty sad reason to stay in the relationship; for everyone's sake. I'll give slight leeway to financial reasons since being homeless must suck but these people must surely realize that there are ways to obtain loans for a degree, and eventually gain financial independence. I don't consider this to be the primary reason that people stay in these relationships, instead I sense that there is always that X factor that keeps the individual in the relationship. There is always something that keeps them there but ask 100 people, and you will receive 100 different answers as to why they do it.
I'm still on the fence as to how he will turn out, but it's up to him to determine how his future ends up. All we can do is show him the door, but it's up to him to walk through it. I've done what I can by doing the leg work and getting him involved with the military. He seems to be responding well except for the occasional relapse where he then gets his ass handed to him by them. I personally think he would benefit from some professional counseling, as even for a teenager - he seems to hate women who have more pull then him. I'm not sure if this is normal, as I remember being concerned growing up that I was starting to be a woman hater (eventually got over my teenage shit, and actually have said Thank you to my mom a few times the past few months for how she raised me), or if his anger is actually a result of his environment and situation. But the last paragraph wasn't a lie, I still think that the Dad needs to be locked up and meds forced down his throat until the world stops turning. This is one area where we are counting down the days until he is 18, military disciple, and hell, even the ass kicking his shit will get him - will be best for him. He needs it to realize that people don't take his crap outside of his immediate circle.
But I'm placing alot of blame on him when in fact, he is a result of the environment he was raised him. He has been treated as the man of the family, and been spoiled rotten by various family members. There was no way for someone to come in, not bend to his entitlement, and actually expect him to like them. He liked me until the first time I took his mom's side, and got into a fight with him because he decided that finishing an Xbox Live game was more important then unlocking the door. Unforutnetly, it was the wrong day to mess with me and I flipped out on him and reminded him who's stuff he was using (my TV and Xbox). The dad situation isn't helping but that in itself in a post.
So I guess by him being given so much power, I was naive to think that we could possibly see eye-to-eye. Hell, even with his dad - he is the man of the house. Let me clarify, I agree with stepgin - I don't think he is crazy, just sometimes. But like she said, even if you have the birth connection to the teenagers, they are still hell and awful. So for reminding me of that, I thank you.
Maybe I'm just rambling but even typing this, I feel better and less of an ass. I just hold on to that one picture of my girl and I smiling on one of our first dates before any of this crap started. I hold onto that, and count down the days until we can return to that. Until then, I'm keeping my head low and plowing through all this. She stood by me when I needed her, the least I can do for her is stand by her as well.
Thanks for listening...
Thank God for this post!!!
Thank God for this post!!! Thank you so much! I have been feeling really alone in dealing with a similar SS and I am at the end of my rope. You pretty much described what my SS6 is going to be like as a teen, minus the charm and intelligence.
Please, if you have the time, read my most recent blog and tell me what you think? Did you notice any of the same behavior when your skid was younger? My mom is a psychologist (and practicing licensed counselor) and she is equally concerned and says my SS6 fits almost all the psychopath/sociopath criteria in the most recent DSMV (the catalog of mental disorders and guidebook for diagnoses). I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's scary and confusing to have a skid like this and I am really at a loss as to how to deal with it. The biggest problem, in my book, is that these kids know how to wrap certain people around their fingers and get away with murder, while they hide their messed up behavior from those specific people. In my case, my own husband is the one that is completely duped by him. I know it's got to be insanely hard and painful to realize and admit that your child might be a sociopath, so I understand his denial, but it's not getting any of us anywhere. I am scared, frustrated and angry, DH is in denial and SS6 is just carrying on being a creepy as fuck (pardon the profanity, i'm really upset) kid. I don't know what to do! I think the first step is getting DH to realize and admit what is going on so that we can do everything we can to get SS6 the right psychological help he needs. Right now he is in school-mandated counseling (hello? huge warning bell!), but I don't think an elementary school counselor is equipped to handle his problems. I think he needs to see a specialist child psychologist. Any advice would be extremely appreciated. As it is, my only hope is that he doesn't murder us all in our sleep when he's a teen and my little countdown until he's 18 and no longer my problem!