Keeping busy.....
Hey everybody..... newbie here.... just celebrated my 1st wedding anniversary with DR and lucky me the past 6 months I have been dealing with a cray BMW who likes to send naked pictures of herself to my DH.... He of course deletes and ignores. I know I know you are all going to tell me that he needs to stand up to her blah blah blah. Already been down that road with him. He doesn't like confrontation because he feels it makes him a bad dad. Looking back now I'm not sure if I would have got married which kills me to say because a few years ago when I started reading everything on here (long time lurcher) I said those poor people and their situations that will never be me my situation won't ever turn into that.
Let's go over some history for you all...
My first mistake.... I jumped right into the mom role when I quickly moved my new boyfriend into my house with me. Skids then we're 3 weeks and 3 yrs. DO and BM split early in the pregnancy. They were together for 7 yrs, married 4.
My second mistake.... wait for it this one is good.
I allowed the skids now 3 and 6 to call me momma. I know I know.... *insert eye roll*
Mistake 3.... I went in to volunteer at my ss6 school and became highly involved. I loved it. His kindergarten teacher and I are actually pretty close friends now. First parent teacher conferences rolled around and BMW lost her shit because DHL did not invite her to his appt time and I was not their mother so I should not have been there.
Mistake 4... I started to feel like we were an invincible family. Nothing coukd have torn us apart.
Mistake 5... I allowed what I did for Skids to become expected of me and my role in my amazing little family. DH stopped acting like her appreciated what I did for his kids. He just assumed I did stuff because I loved them like my own. That's what I told him anyways, that I loved his babies like my own and I was okay with not having my own kids because I have his. *barffff*
Mistake 6... we had a giant fight about BM because of an inappropriate text she sent him and he just ignored, that day ended with us getting married. (Yes I said married... not sure what I was thinking that day.) Didn't you know that fight about BM + DH saying sorry I love you let's get married = the recipe for true happiness.
Now don't get me wrong I love my DH very much. I just wish we could move to another state and that he didn't have his lovely little monsters aka my skids.
Mistake 7... I took the skids to minr and DHs doctor because BMs doctor blew my DH off when SD needed to see her asap.
Mistake 8... after finding a naked picture from BM and a text that said something along the lines of please come over and give me another chance to my DH I messaged BM. Well that was dumb because it sent her looney arse into overdrive.
Now I can't even stand to look at the skids let alone be in the same room as them and I'm sitting here at work with my marriage in shambles because I allowed myself to get into some silly dumb ego fight about who could be the better mother and I ran into stepmom my burnout and marital problems.
You think it won't ever happen to you and that the woman on here are just sad and cold hearted people. You think to yourself how coukd I possibly not love these adorable babies. You think as long as you are a good mom to them your life will be perfect. WRONG!
It turns out people on here actually know a thing or two... I envy those of you who have great relationships with your skids. I wanted that more than anything I however for some reason can't help but feel resentful of mine. It's a shame because they are great kids.
So my question for you all is this...
What to do you do to keep yourself busy when the skids are at your house? We have 50/50 week on week off with one overnight the opposite week. Turns out to be 4-1-3/4-1-3.
Sorry for the rambling. But it felt good to get all that out.
Ohhhhh Lordy Lordy. Not much
Ohhhhh Lordy Lordy. Not much advice here. But honestly if he were my hubby and he did not address the nude pictures so that it never re occurs that would be a deal breaker. All the other items u already know where u made mistakes. What are you going to do?!???
I would never ever be able to date someone with such a young baby. I don't even want to date men with kids after my last relationship. I feel as free as a bird without all the messy situations. !!!
Well he called her and told
Well he called her and told her that she needs to move on that they've been divorced for near 4 years he now and it's getting ridiculous. However, she proves to do what she wants to do.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
If things don't work out with DH I will be right there with you on the no kids page!
Well I feel for u for sure.
Well I feel for u for sure. Is there any way u can block her from sending photos only?!? Or maybe get a pre paid flip phone where u can't get photos and only texts. Then have her use that phone only and block her all together from the regular cell phone. I would not be able to put up with that for one more second. I'd be out the door.
I wonder if he could file
I wonder if he could file harassment charges if she persists in sending nudes. Otherwise he could see if he can get our family wizard mandated by the court to be used to communicate. Content can be seen by the court which should disuade her from sending inappropriate things. Though it sounds like your husband is unwilling to do those kinds of things.
Op, your list is an amazing analysis of your situation and way you got there. I love it. If you want to work in the relationship I would take each point and see if there are things that you can do differently now to start to let go of the resentment. Then focus on building stronger partner time with your husband as you two will be having less joint parent time it will be important to focus on being spouses.
As for keeping busy, I am not very good at that myself as I am still pretty engaged, but I am trying to read more and am thinking of taking myself to the movies soon too.
Well you're definitely
Well you're definitely misplacing your anger at BM and your DH on to your stepkids. It wasn't a mistake that you did all of those things for them, you did them to be kind. It's not their fault their dad takes advantage of you and it's not their fault their mother still sends their dads nudes that he also can't seem to put an end to. My advice is to find a marriage counselor and if there's too many excuses to make that happen then tell your DH basically what you put on here: his inability to set boundaries with BM makes you doubt your marriage; he wouldn't like it if your ex sent you nudes and it's not like sexting has anything to do with the kids so he need to pic BM's nudes or you or counseling.
pffft so what if BM keep on
pffft so what if BM keep on sending DH nudes and begs him to come back - he's married to you, and he already told her stop this and move on... there's not much he can do about it, you should simply ignore it Hon.....
yes we all start out loving those snow flakes like our own, and we all get stabbed in the back, it's just part of the deal,
Now what to do when skids are there - get hobbies, knitting, scrap booking, painting, candle making, quilting, wood work, what ever you want... hell even do a distance course in something you find interesting like graphic design or what ever.... there's so many things in this world you can keep your self busy with, start researching things and just do it...
nothing wrong with disengaging from skids now, you never mentioned how the skid are treating you.... if they are respecting you and good kids then do not disengage from them, keep on building the relationship, but beware they can turn any day or night against you, prepare for this, it lessons the heart ache.... simply ignore BM and her escapades,
see her as the horny neighbor hitting on your husband making him feel uncomfortable, and tease him about it lol
Obviously the ex is proud of
Obviously the ex is proud of the nude picture she is sending out to your husband. Wouldn't it be terrible if that pic mistakenly was sent on to be seen by lots of people she would not want to see it.
Ha ha ha...OOPSIE!
Ha ha ha...OOPSIE!
I agree with all these
I agree with all these suggestions but honestly, shes not going to stop until he makes it CLEAR she and her beaver shots are UNWANTED. That is so beyond disrespectful i cant wrap my mind around it, i can only applaud you for not taking her head off. But YOUR husband is going to have to put his big pants on and shut her down. If he doesnt, well, then you need to reconsider if he's really THAT disinterested in his ex.
Holy cow...did I read that
Holy cow...did I read that right? One of the skids when 3 WEEKS old when you got together? Yikes.
How about secretly printing
}:)
How about secretly printing them and mailing them to her house with a note that says "want these mailed to your work address next?" LOL, that would probably cure it pretty fast. }:) 
Sounds like DH would rather
Sounds like DH would rather be a bad husband than a bad ex husband. He would rather upset you than upset birth mom and that is sad for all of the woman that have to deal with that. BUT dealing with it is your choice so once you make the choice then you can't be pissed about it, people will treat you the way you allow them to be treated.
Your mistake check list is awesome and shows that you have a great self reflection tool which many people aren't gifted. I would suggest
that you list your "mistakes" as experiences, I would stop calling them mistakes, because once you learn from the mistake, accept a mistake for what it is, learn not to do it again and make a new plan of attack you have to let it go so I find calling it an "experience" a little easier on the mental adjust that you are setting forth to do. I think 8 mistakes is hard, 8 experiences is better and easier to navigate.
I keep busy when the skids are in town by keeping a running list of things I need to do errand wise, Pedi's, friends I want to see, I also keep a list of things I wonder about and can spend hours looking up random subject matters on the internet, I read, I watch TV, I organize the cabinets and closets, I will prepare freezer meals for an entire Sunday that will last 2 to 3 weeks so that once they are gone I have more me time to relax, I use the time that they are there to work on me, make me a better person and to do the things that make my life easier. I used to feel I actually had to leave the house to be able to breathe but now I am comfortable moving around amongst them doing my own thing. Don't get me wrong I will join them for a movie or an activity but it is ONLY if I want to do it. The skids have asked in the past if I will be joining them and I will say, "nope, you guys didn't come here to see me, you came to see your daddy so you guys have a blast and I will be here when you get home to hear about it."
You've got this, it seems like you know what you need to do but it is going to be hard so don't underestimate the kids confusion or DH getting angry when you aren't there to do all the things you have been doing. Point is, whatever it is that you do decide to do is you need to remember to stay focused on the road that you are traveling. Best wishes!!
Having a friend who comes to
Having a friend who comes to town for all day dog shows has done wonders for me. You can be out of the house all weekend if you like and have a blast at the same time, catching up with friend and oooing and aaaahing over pretty doggies. And nobody can complain cuz she's only in town for this weekend, it's the only way to see her!
Can you find a friend like that? It's awesome.