just need to vent: seems never ending

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I am a SM of 2 - boy and girl. my DH is wonderful. he loves his kids so much but BM is one of those types that tells the kids lies DAILY and beats into them that DH does not care about them at all. She play the victim ALL the time yet caused the divorce in the first place lying and cheating and stealing all the saving to just shop. never paid bills on time and lied to him about it etc. today - year later she would be the first to lie and tell you he was at fault.

so my issue is WHEN is it ok to tell the kids the truth. that BM was the problem and did all these things!??? DH has been so protective thus far and not told them any details due to age appropriateness but we cant even go a week without drama due to BM's lying and crazy behavior. She is very pathalogical and unpredictable. she is always late to appointments, has no respect for anyone. cares only about herself and what she can get out of others. she uses the kids as colateral to get emotion and monitary favors (never paid back) from everyone around her. she receives child support and has then every other week but convenced the son to not come to see us anymore with her lies.
she tells anyone who will listen that she has nothing - that she is a single parent.

just so tired of it.

i read other's posts and feel like im not alone but it sure is hard to deal with when we dont live our lives the way she does and have to watch the kids be confused, angry at us, sad, etc. she is emotionally abusing these kids and we cant stop it because it is an illness moreso then something you can just tell someone to knock off!

she didnt gain custody at first - the judge saw that she was an idiot in the beginning through the seperation but once the D was final they had joint and every other week. she then convenced SS to only live with her and even when my DH tried to fight it the social worker who was now BM's best friend went to bat to repeat the lies that had been told to her. she believed DM about anything she said. redicilous.

any comments will help me to cope. i love all these kids - there is good in them and i just break and cry seeing her manipulate them so much. they believe society owes them everything. even when SS fails a class in school now it's the school or teachers fault. just like BM he doesnt ever take blame or try and be better. she is training them to be just like her.

update they have been

update they have been divorced for years... i mistyped year rather then yearS.

SD12 and SS15 its more about

SD12 and SS15
its more about his anger - the SD is really a peacemaker type although she is an exagerator and liar when she needs attention.
SS wears his heart on his sleeve and lashes out. but DH will talk with him - set the issue straight - all is well and happy and then he returns to mom and wont talk to us for months because she will tell more lies and undo the happiness DH just worked to achieve. it is a vicious cycle.

I feel your pain. DH and XW

I feel your pain. DH and XW split after she cheated on him multiple times. This was confirmed with both the STDs she gave him on two different occassions and the phone calls/emails from HER "friends" letting him know what she was up to.

But 2 years later, when SD6 asks if she can live with Daddy all the time, she tells her no because "daddy just doesn't know how to behave" ..

Makes me wanna pull my hair out!

i totally understand what you

i totally understand what you all are saying... i dont think it should be me that tells them anything... it is just SO sad watching the kids in confusion when BM tells them out and out lies about their dad. she tells everyone he abandoned them (the 3 of them) when the truth is that he was traveling for work and she was living the life - acting like money didnt end and kids were just tere for the ride. now... her story is he abandoned them and she never did anything wrong. that he is uncaring and never around, etc... it is just such a sick twist of everything. I wasnt there of course for their marriage time together... but i believe my husband to the end. especially since now she bad mouths me too - saying i dont care about the kids and so on. SD knows we care. SS believe mom and "has anger issues" but these anger issues are never triggered when he does spend time with us... only when he has been lectured non stop by her. just sad.

i hear you though - i will not take it upon myself to ever tell them anything negative about her. the only time i point out a lie is when it is VERY clear and the kids are asking why something doesnt make sense. i just say - i dont know why she would tell you that... it isnt what happened, etc.

and... on the cheating note: omg yes i totally understand your frustration too. BM has BFs and sadly cheated on #one that i knew of... now the new one is still around (snowed by her lies) and the 1st one is "still a great friend" who she has pick the kids up from places! she complains that i pick the kids up and im a parent! those guys are just friends of hers... the kids believe her about all her whoa is me stuff - saying the bfs are friends in one breath and then complaining about them to the kids in another to get their pity... it's just sick. the kids tell us these stories btw - it's so hard to decide what battle to pick!

My SDs tell us stories all

My SDs tell us stories all the time about the people hanging out at "mom's house" and who babysat them, etc.

The trouble is, we try not to question them a whole lot about their time there. There was a point when I first came into the picture that the girls were being interrogated by their BM whenever we dropped them off. SD6 (younger then) used to sit in the backseat the whole way over there repeating what she had for dinner, when she had a bath, what she did after school, what she watched on tv, etc. It was sickening to watch her so stressed out!

So now if we think the people hanging around the mom's house might be questionable, DH will say something in passing to BM, but we haven't had any real issues with them being dangerous people or anything. So what else can ya do?

Agreed. We too try not to ask

Agreed. We too try not to ask too much and I tell DH we have to just focus on making our time great for all of us. I don't talk about BM unless it is to ask what time or where an event is we may have to co-mingle.

I keep a journal of good and bad things that happen and dread reading back past entries but it helps keep a straight perspective on things (and if she lies about something like a baseball game getting cancelled for the SS then I have a reference of what was told to us)

She failed to tell us a few times and we were driving far to the game. Then a few time told us wrong info so we went to the wrong field and missed most of his game. He then gets angry saying we don't care about him.
It's a vicious cycle. I never listen to her now though. I just make friend with the coach and get on email lists now. Problem solved for now but she still reminds the son that we missed things and we aren't there to even defend it. Ugggggg!

i am hoping for the kids to

i am hoping for the kids to comprehend and figure out the lies vs truth... i just see how confusing it is to them and it breaks my heart. one lives in a fantasy world with mom and the other just avoids the situation by saying "i dont know" and changes the subject. just sad. the lying is a pathalogical type so its daily and about everyone and everything. when she loses a job (many many many in the last few years) the kids are told that her boss was a *BEEP or she was wronged in some way, etc... they always tell us these stories with such passion and we just say "oh that's too bad"... too bad the truth is she didnt do something correctly was let go... but never would take responsibility for her own actions. the kids both have authority issues now and think that the teachers do them wrong and so on... with the SD12 we can say "well no, youre a student and they the teacher. rules are in place for a reason... etc" but with the SS15 - no way you can talk to him about it... A) BM would blast us for interfering and he just is so brainwashed it wouldnt even matter.

again - ugggggggg!

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