Vent: SS constant lies
I havent been here in a bit and I quickly saw this forum again and saw a poster below with soemthing similar. I'd figure the kids of narcissists would have a mini one. Quick background dh and I have 3 kids, 1 ss, 1bio son and recrnt bio baby girl under 1yo. So ss is the oldest at 9yo woth ds almost 8. So I knew ss since birth. I met dh 2yrs before he met ss mom. Long story she's unhinged of course.
So im mainly venting bc ss has been with us primarily 2yrs now. Prior to that was jus weekends so im used to him by now. Well his lies are ridiculous. He nearly got his own mom in jail from his lies. Just seems his default at this point. Overall it seems he's trying to be good but he keeps going back in this narc mode where he can't do anything else but lie. Well first chooses to do the wrong thing then lies or gives an excuse to get out if whatever he's in trouble for. Ss is not as bad as alot of stepkids can be mainly bc we knew him so young and had him legally since he was 4yo. Dh and I have been consistent in his life but all the yrs he's been primarily with his mother he's jus doomed I guess?
I've tried everything. We banned him on trip, said he's not gonna have a birthday party. Punishments galore om no electronics, no outside time etc etc etc. He's even had a whopping before it's rare but dh went there bc its been jus...yea too much. There's nothing left! Summer is coming up and idk what to do. I'm dreading being home with this all day. Dh does his share of punishing. He's actually the enforcer. It's a problem bc of ds....ds is getting visibly irritated with ss. He lies on ds all the time. Just yesterday made up a whole story very quick to say ds was the one to put a hole in the wall just to take it back when dh gets home...per usual he lies to me and changes the story once dh asks...well he lies to him first too of course then the "truth" comes out bc who ever knows the truth at that point. His truth doest even make sense. I'm thinking maybe he's just a compulsive liar and can't help it.
What would you do in this situation? I'm so at a loss and disappointment bc all last week both boys were in trouble for lying. I believe ss scares ds into lying with him, first time it's been such a bad lie with ds involved. Ds was so over it mid week. I gave a lecture everyday about lying last wk just for ss to lie again to my face and then lie on his brother when I literally said of course if u keep throwing your brother under the bus he's gonna get pissed at you and not wanna be nice which has happened lately. It makes me so sad my son has to deal with the bs. Whatever u all think I should say to ss trust me I've said it to him and ds and to ss alone etc. I've talked so much I have no idea what else to even say when he gets back from school.
And yes dh is up for whatever I tell him. He's on board with whatever I decide. He's the enforcer but he also said and says that ss needs to also see me enforce things bc he continues to lie to me. He eventually tells his dad the truth. I even gave him a long time to get his story straight with me before dh got home I even said I'd leave dh out of it if he told me. Nope kept up his lie and straight face. It's so sickening how quickly he lies and much he lies. If he were an adult I'd have notihing to do with him bc I cannot stand liars!
Any older stepparents seen the result of their lying stepkids or how it affected their bio kids? I am really losing hope. Over the last 2 yrs I've tried and tried to be understanding, to figure out solutions. I still have an ounce left so I'm here venting and hopefully can get some help not jus for ss but for ds and our sanity. Dh doesn't get it we even had bm involved twice before bc he's lied to her even. Therapy is a good option just not doable at the moment with 1 car and dh has it all the time. Other than that idk. Looking into camps for the summer bc we have a baby and I don't wanna imagine being home everyday alone with them arguing and ss lies and shananingans...idk ugh
You must put him in therapy
You must tell the therapist about your SS. His total being in his own world. Tell the therapist about the lies about the the way he trying to get you in trouble, You are afraid that you will lose your kids because of SS. You need someone on your side. Or two tell DH to move out with SS.
That this being a jailer wasn't the life you want to live. You want to play and enjoy your kids, Not trying to protect them from SS all day. You can lose your kids. If SS did it to his own mother he will do it to you
Not sure
At the moment we can't do therapy bc of the vehicle deal. I am thinking of everything else said. I feel a divorce is a "give up on everyone" option when dh hasn't been the problem. He's been helpful but just as lost on what to do. It's like if our bio kid was a compulsive liar I wouldn't divorce him bc of the child. But I am thinking on everything you mentioned. Thanks
What about virtual therapy?
What about virtual therapy?
I didn't think of this
I, myself would like virtual therapy and haven't found it wow I haven't thought maybe there's a kids one. Thanks I'll look into this today.
Cameras in the home to
Cameras in the home to protect you & DS with video evidence. You & DH need to be clear truth is a value to be cherished in your home and will not be tolerated. I would also encourage him to tell the truth by listing house rules/punishments in advance & reducing them by half for telling the truth the first time. Separate harsher punishments for lying (ex. tells the truth - 3.5 days no video games for hitting DS; Lies - 1 week no video games for hitting DS, 2 additional weeks for lying about it).
Appreciated
Funny we have a camera outside and dh mentioned this last yr maybe we need an indoor one also. May have to seriously consider it sadly.
I really appreciate this idea on punishments. Alot of what I told SS last week was on how you'd get in alot less trouble by just telling the truth the first time. I made a day of a lecture, on simply doing the right thing in the first place but if he does get in trouble it's less punishment for being honest first. It's insane how he had 4 lies to the one incident, yesterday. Lied on his brother twice with 2 different stories, lied why he tried to cover it up, lied and said he has nothing else to say or any other story before dh came back, when i gave him 20mins to tell the truth. It's just ridiculous.
I ask if anyone else dealt with this bc for him to be called out so much pretty instantly you'd think he'd be tired of it by now. But I haven't gone over any of this with him yet but he's literally displayed all the reasons we went over last week. If you lie u have to cover it up with more lies. Just tell the truth!! But he's been called out by dh and I on his constant lying many times before.
And so I like the punishment idea it gives the consequences upfront bc honestly idk to do 2 wks or a month bc he just got off punishment last week for lying. Insanity I tell ya lol. Thanks again I don't have any friends or family to talk to about it. None of them understand or relate to this.
When SS-30 hit 6th-ish grade, we purged video/computer games
from our home.Period, dot. None. Not until he graduated from HS and launched into adult life. His PS became our DVD player. That was it for game systems in our home. No hand held/portable games, no computer games, no consols, nothing.
Were I your SO, I would give SKid a one and done warning. One lie, he loses all video/computer games until he turns 18, graduates HS, and moves out on his own.
We got tired of the screen induced blank eyed coma, lies, avoided home work, etc..
He is kicking ass as an adult though he does have a pretty active on line gaming life.
Periodically he thanks us for giving him a firm message on gaming having it's place and not allowing it to be detrimental to his life as it has been to his Spermidiot.
How do you do that
When they go to BMs and that's all they do there? We obviously can't control what they do over there but I think it's the only reason SS even wants to go there. Sadly, it's probably the most positive thing he could be engaging with at that trash infested hole.
We absolutely could not control what went on during SpermClan
visitation.
However, we could absolutely control what went on in our home. Invariably he would come home from SpermLand visitation with the latest Nintendo DS, etc.... We would collect them, put them in the Safe, and give them back as we were leaving for the airport for his travel for his next visitation.
He rarely played them since once he got to SpermLand the Spermidiot's huge wall of gaming monitors and rack of gaming systems was what the kids watched. SS would talk about how cool it was to watch the Spermidiot playing on the massive wall of synched screens. When asked if he his sibs got to play, the answer was invariably, not very much. The pretty much just watched Dipshitiot play.
By the time he aged out from under the CO, he had a number of basically brand new almost unused portable game systems and bags of game cartridges, etc.... Interestingly, he never took them after he turned 18. He immediatley went to online computer gaming rather than game system gaming.
Once we purged gaming, his focus went from barely cogent to pretty outstanding. We started having conversations about what he really had done and not about someone elses immagination experienced through a game controller.
At this rate
At this rate it really seems that's pretty much happening. He's been on punishment off electronics seemingly more than he's ever on them.
How did it change his behavior? So far I can tell small differences when he's not on them. It seems an instant addiction when he's back on. So I'm wondering how'd years affect yours? Thats good to know he appreciated when he got older.
Our family interface improved immensely.
He became conversational rather than living with a blank slack jawed countenance due to countless hours in a screen coma.
We basically did not tolerate the game related zombie that he had become. It was immediate. One day he was gaming, the next day... never again in our home.
Any Symptoms of ADD/ADHD?
I had a bio child like that. He was the youngest of three and seemed wired differently since birth. His bio father was a sociopath, diagnosed. I think it's hereditary.
He would pester his brother, wanted to wrestle with him constantly. He had no impulse control. He'd get in trouble for something I saw him do with my own eyes, minutes earlier, while I was standing right there, and he'd deny doing it. It was mystifying.
Meds helped, a lot. It's a brain development issue. Most outgrow it. DS27 has grown out of it now, and we have a great relationship. In retrospect, I wish I'd been easier on him, he couldn't help being the way he was. Other than his terrible impulse control, he was a lovebug.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VRFZpJuWF4
Interesting
Very interesting. His mom has been in a mental psych facility, she's in and out of court and currently possible jail time. Been on drugs her track record is terrible and just gonna keep it pg since I'm focusing on SS for this but something verryyyy obviously mental is wrong with his mom so after 2 yrs that he's here and no matter what we do some parts of him doesn't seem to ever change, I'm really beginning to think it's mental and maybe only meds can help. Last year when I homeschooled both boys dh and u were seriously considering looking into adhd. There's constant movement and he's had a hard time focusing and when he gets the break/punishment from electronics there's a bit of a difference in his attention span and focus. Sometimes he's not even in trouble and we think...he needs to just not be on them. They affect him alot more than ds. Thanks we really need to get him tested.
Last part
I have to comment on the last part. I really feel what you're saying. Just yesterday as annoyed and irritated as I was I still kept in mind I truly enjoy being around him when he's not in trouble lol. I actually don't like when he's trouble or lies. We get along great. We cook together he's very smart and he can really be a sweetheart so I just get so disappointed when he does things like that. But yea the sympathy comes and I get to that point to notice ya know I don't think can help it.. I've had long talks with him to understand and he does it again and I'm like what's happening here so i really do believe maybe he can't help it at least a part of it. Some of it idk maybe he's being rebellious but other times maybe he's trying his hardest. When he came home from school I just didn't say anything that whole afternoon. The kids were in good moods and played. They had the usual tiffs but it'd end quick and I had less of a headache not always in the middle breaking things up or telling him he missed this or didn't do that. It was nice.
Does he have an all-consuming
Does he have an all-consuming ambition? I realize how young he is but is there a career that he is determined to do ? If so, you might use the angle of "how can you ever succeed if your employer cannot trust you?"
Good point
He has big interests in science and he wants to be a pilot. I haven't thought of that bc he's so young but yea I like to talk to him on a personal level and he seems to listen so involving his interests may get to him possibly. Trust is a huge thing that goes with being honest as we went over before. Anything to make him think before he acts can help
Yeah, it can become a viscous
Yeah, it can become a viscous cycle, they do something wrong, piss everyone off, get bad feedback because of their behavior. If they have a parent who behaves the same way, it reinforces the bad behavior even more.
In the end, they don't seem to learn anything from all the negative feedback, it can be bad for their self esteem, and tip the scales toward sociopathy. There is a very high correlation between adhd and future aspd. Having a loving parent can ameliorate the poor outcome.
I'm glad your SS has a good role model who loves him, if you get him evaluated, he should have a good outcome.
I would also suggest therapy
I would also suggest therapy for SS.
I know you say you only have one vehicle currently.. but you are going to have to figure that out somehow. Whether it means your DH takes an uber or public transport to his job on days that there is a therapy appointment.. or you drive your DH to work.. keep the car so that your SS can get to an appt.. and pick your DH that day.
Or.. your DH needs to take time from work to come home to take his kid to a therapy appt.. once a week.. once a month.. whatever.
Because you have tried what most people would think as typical consequences.. and your issues aren't improving. And.. SS is apparently going beyond the basic normal "wasn't me" excuses that kids will use to get out of trouble occasionally.
Your husband owes it to his son to prioritize getting him help and evaluations. It might be that he doesn't need ongoing visits.. but some med will help? it might be more therapy than meds. but you don't know until he seeks help.
True
You're very right. Summers just a month away and so this should be easier to get done since the kids have no school soon. We can make morning visits or have some way to work around this. It's serious bc its been 2 years and no improvement in the electronics addiction or focus or especially lying department. He's gotten better in other ways but those remain. Thanks we will have to talk about this and do soemthing different at this point. Dh wanted to send him to "scared straight" type camp a few months back when bm was involved but we haven't even tried therapy yet. He will be 10 in a few months no point in pushing this back any further. Thank you