Is it normal?
Today my boyfriend said to me "it isn't your concern about whether or not you get to go to her soccer games, you're not her mom." We were talking about the fact that the last 3 years she has played soccer out by her moms house instead of rotating to our location every other year(the soccer teams have nothing to do with the school she is in). Which inhibits our ability to have her on certain nights or go to her practice etc because it's 40 minutes one way to get out there. To give some quick background, my boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 3 years, and we have his daughter part time. I have always just taken for granted that we make decisions together when she's at our house (though often my b/f and I but heads about different rules etc). Her mother is in the picture and isn't a bad person and we all get along for the most part.
His statement led to further discussion. I told him I can't imagine being in their life the way I am without caring about having her over and doing things together etc. He feels that it's no ones business because it doesn't effect me where she plays soccer. Basically at the end of our discussion my B/F said he doesn't know how or even if he wants to let someone else "be in charge". Is his attitude normal? Are my expectations normal? How do I overcome this attitude, I want to respect him but don't feel that I will ever be ok with this attitude. We need to be a family, he needs to let go a little.
I would definitely not be
I would definitely not be comfortable with him saying that to me. If soccer were something special between her and her mother, then he could have simply told you that and I'm sure you'd have understood. But that doesn't seem to be the case?
No, it's nothing special. He
No, it's nothing special. He just doesn't think I should care. "it's none of my business".
Well it sounds like you have
Well it sounds like you have the opposite problem to a lot of people in that your BF is actually 'in charge' of parenting his child and is in no hurry to pass the buck to you. He's not apathetically trying to inveigle you into taking a mom role. He's not expecting you to love her like your own, or bend over backwards to involve yourself in her activities. But, given that you've been together 3 years it does sound as though he's going too far the other way and not letting you in enough. I think I'd be put out if my DH made it sound like my presence at his child's event was irrelevant. Not that I'd always want to go but it's nice to feel wanted!
The reference to letting someone else 'be in charge' seems important, as though he sees it as an either/or situation where he's either in charge, or not in charge, rather than sharing responsibility. It sounds like he has control issues and maybe trust issues if he is worried about sharing his and his daughters life with you fully. I'd try talking to him about why he feels the need to be so 'in charge'. And reinforce the fact that if your relationship has a future then your caring about his daughter is a good thing, and something he should appreciate rather than resist.
Probably true, but the heart
Probably true, but the heart is a strong muscle, and mine is so stubborn that it will love whom it loves.