Most people on here have the other parent to blame for the way a child behaves. I am in a very difficult situation. I live with a BF and SD. We have been together for 3.5 years, living together for 2.5 years. The difference for me is that the BM is deceased. So, we have her 100% of the time.

Her dad is a great person, we have a great relationship. We are best friends. But I am losing it in this relationship. And its not that he is a bad dad, or doesn't have boundaries, etc. He is pretty good, especially if we are in good communication about what needs to be happening with SD. But... he is just like his BD. They have very little motivation in life- at least he has dreams. But he does little if nothing to try to reach them!

Here is the problem with this situation. SD is almost 10 and has no desire to grow up! She acts like she is 5. We constantly need to remind her to brush her teeth, do her reading, etc. And I understand that kids need this, but most of the time- almost all of the time- she lies about doing these simple things. We explain to her the importance of these things. That we want her to grow up to be a happy and productive adult.

On the weekend instead of finding things to do, she will just walk around the backyard with the dog-literally ALL DAY! (She would watch TV all day, but we limit that, as well as the computer). Or she will find a little trinket and sit and play with it for hours. It doesn't seem normal for a almost 10 year old.

She also has learning problems at school and just really doesn't "try" at life. She doesn't seem frustrated that she has a hard time in school. She just doesn't care! When she wanted to play soccer, we got her on a team and she would just stand in the same position kicking the dirt. But then say she loves going to soccer. Its like she doesn't care if she doesn't go anywhere in life.

I feel like a horrible SM, because I am so frustrated with her most of the time. As soon as we build our relationship back to a good place, she lies or does something stupid, and I get annoyed and just can't stand being at home. I get so frustrated to always be asking her to do things. Or hearing lies about what she "did". And it goes in these cycles and I can't seem to get out of it.

So, do I allow her to be herself? Which everyone has the right to be... Or do I hold on to my standards and help/want her to strive for better? I am not like a "soccer or paegant mom" that expects more from a child then they are capable of. I just expect at least an average level!

I also feel guilty because I know that there must be emotional trauma from the death of her BM. (It was quick- SD does not know what happened. BM didn't go through a long illness or anything) The thing is that I have worked in Africa with children that had been removed from their homes for all kinds of horrible reasons. So many people have trauma- and many still want more for their lives and strive for that. Certain things become habit- an you realize that life just requires them.

This seems to just be her personality. To be content doing as little as possible to scrape along in life. I am completely the opposite personality. Shouldn't she want to take care of herself? She seems happy. But when you ask her to do anything- read, brush her teeth, put her clothes away (simple things) she gets this look of death. Like doing these things is the end of the world. Really????

I am just so annoyed. There is a major lack of motivation or desire to get ahead in the world in my house. I feel so stuck!!!