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Insecure? Immature? Or just down right weird???

Bettysmith00's picture

Ok just read a post about "walking SK to door" and I had to add my own question. 
 

When it's time for DH to bring SS14 back to BM's house SS14 has what I think is a weird ritual with DH. Before DH and SS14 walk out our door SS14 wants a goodbye hug from DH. When they get to BM's driveway(ten minutes away) DH needs to get out of car and give another goodbye hug to SS14. THEN DH needs to stand by his car watching SS14 walk up the driveway to front door(20 feet from car) and at that point SS14 turns around and waves goodbye to DH THEN DH can drive away once SS14 is in the house.

Now DH has SS14 every other weekend and two days a week so at most SS14 goes two days without seeing DH. SS14 is not what I would consider an affectionate kid more like Clingy/needy to DH.  I don't even get a goodbye. 
 

It does not stop at drop offs either. Throughout the day for no reason SS14 will just come up to DH and say "can I have a hug" or just Stare at DH till DH says "what" and SS14 will say "hug". This happens at least twice a day. DH does not Encourage this. 
 

So what do make of SS14 who does this? 

stepmomnorth's picture

When my kids were a bit younger, they're now 13 and 14, I used to get out of the car at their dads house to give them a hug and then wave bye. I've stopped doing this but give them a large hug at home before we take off. This felt more natural to me. I give them hugs here and there, at least once a day. There's many health benefits associated with giving and receiving hugs!! I too wait for my kiddo, to make sure they are able to get inside the house prior to driving off. In case ex is not home. And they forgot their key (happens sometimes..).

Honestly.. I wish my kids came up to me and asked for a hug!! They do the odd time. But it's a nice feeling!

My grandmother/meme didn't so much as give anyone a hug in her whole life. My mom gave lots! I think it's preference. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Weird. Not the hugs themselves but the ritual and the creepy staring thing. Isn't this also the teen who threatens to punch his mother if he doesn't get his way? This kid has issues. If he were just "a hugger" and a generally lovey kid it would be one thing, but this is weird. 

advice.only2's picture

Is your DH a very affectionate person?  It could be he's just super affectionate and so SS reciprocates because that's how he was raised.  I never had a very affectionate relationship with Spawn so I never really hugged her, but my kids I smothered with hugs and kisses and they are very affectionate still at 15 and 21.

Bettysmith00's picture

He's not cold by any means but more a Quiet type of person. Im sure your kids are affectionate in general where SS14 is not. SS14 is very standoffish and almost shy to people he does not know well. I had a cousin that was super friendly and social. He would hug friends and relatives. SS14 is only like this with DH

advice.only2's picture

Oh got, it so more like a dog marking his territory?  Since it's not socially acceptable to piss all over his dad he's just going to hug him repeatedly to let everybody know that's his.

Someoneelse's picture

I think that this is actually not normal behavior, but I wouldn't say it's immaturity, it could very well be OCD. My daughter had very strange rituals that she had to carry out, and it seems very similar. She literally thought if she didn't carry out a certain ritual, that something bad could happen. Just something to think about.

 

Cover1W's picture

THIS.  YSD has certain things she MUST DO before leaving and immediately upon return. It's odd, but I just let it go.

Someoneelse's picture

and when they are young,  you have to pick your battles, for my daughter, when she was 5 she had 2 outfits that she'd wear (she had 50 outfits in her closet (due to a grandmother who spoiled the CRAP out of her and was desperately trying to get her to wear something else) but I figured, if it wasn't hurting anyone whats the harm, as long as her clothes were clean, it shouldn't matter.
when she was 6, if her silverware touched the table it was "dirty" and she needed new silverware (she would have a COMPLETE meltdown, throwing fits, screaming) It was easier for me to change her silverware out, and it wasn't bothering anyone, so why not.
when she was 7, if a surface was freshly cleaned and she couldn't touch it, she was literally afraid that she would be poisoned and die.
when she was 8, she would ask me every night to check all the windows and doors and stove and oven, she was terrified that someone would break in/the house would catch on fire.
There were several other things that she did/needed done but those are the ones that made me realize that something was "wrong"
her big thing now (shes 17) is that she has intrusive thoughts, thoughts that she KNOWS she would never act out, thoughts that disturb her and that she wishes she wouldn't have, thoughts that she has no control over. She's only 17, and she knows that kids are way in th future, buts she's told me that she's afraid to have kids because she's afraid she'd have thought of hurting them. OCD can really affect someone's life terribly, and I wouldn't wish it on ANYONE... DD17 is lucky that I am pretty understanding and patient with her. My sister always thought I was just "allowing" her to act out, there is a difference between acting out, and FREAKING out, my daughter was in distress, not misbehaving. my sister FORCED her to try on an outfit that she bought for her when she was going through the "I will only wear 2 outfits" time. and my daughter obeyed, and she put on the outfit, but you could see, tears start welling up in her eyes, her breathing started to get faster, she was TRYING to console herself, but as soon as I told her "it's ok sweety, you look great" she started crying, "I have to take it off, I have to take it off, I can't wear this" I told her it's fine, go change. My sister was so mad, but she is the type to believe that mental illness is fake, and people use it to get out of doing things they don't want to do.

OKtoStep's picture

Why is it weird behavior? If he were slightly younger it would be viewed as appropriate and how many times a day do we casually show physical affection to our SO? 

Just because this kid isn't a baby or a romantic partner doesn't mean his need for bonding goes away.

My stepmom and stepsister still hold hands when they walk around. In high school, a friend of mine would casually sit on her moms lap whenever she had a bad day. In all honesty I was envious that they had that opportunity and never saw it as weird.

CastleJJ's picture

SS14 might just be affectionate, so I don't necessarily think it is weird that he asks for hugs in general. I do think the pick-up/drop off thing is a bit much though. 

My SS is 9 and lives long distance, so we don't see him often. Due to the high conflict nature of the coparenting relationship with BM, we request that BM picks SS up away from our home, as she has waltzed in the front door uninvited several times. When DH picks SS up from BM's house, SS is already in the yard with BM/GF and he just gets in our car. When BM picks SS up from us, I give SS a hug prior to him leaving our home because I don't come to drop offs. DH drives SS to the location and they usually get out and play catch or something since they are usually 10 minutes early to get to the location. When BM arrives, DH hugs SS, gets in the car and drives away. Whatever happens to SS once BM is present is on BM; DH doesnt feel obligated to watch him get in BM's car or anything for safety. Now mind you, my SS is 9... yours is 14. The current ritual is definitely overkill. 

tog redux's picture

Either one person has 3-4 accounts, or there are 4 of you with weird SS14s that are always asking if things are normal.  We all say no, but nothing seems to change in the situation.  What are you going to do about DH enabling SS's clinginess?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You may be right. I was beginning to worry about the future of our society with all these little weirdos (babyish, clingy, inappropriately affectionate and possessive of their daddies, but also violent adolescent boys) living among us. I keep thinking of the one who stares at his father making little whiny noises until he gets his cuddles at like age 14. Shudder.  

BethAnne's picture

These behaviors might not seem normal, but I don't see that they harm anyone. I would just ignore it and let them get on with it. If your husband has an issue with it he can talk to his son about it. 

TheBrightSide's picture

Anytime I drive someone to their house (even adults), I ALWAYS wait until they're safely inside before driving away.  You never know if someone doesn't have their keys and can't get in....or maybe no one is home to let the child in and the door is locked.

Its a safety thing.

Booqueen's picture

To me, 14 sounds a bit old for a boy to be asking for hugs. But that's just me. SS6.5 does it to his mum, but he's half your SS's age. However in saying that, some kids just love affection..... even for a teenage boy!

Winterglow's picture

What did your husband do about this kid threatening to punch his mother's face in? 

stepmomnorth's picture

 I think you're never too old to ask for hugs. For me that feels sad. Sometimes you just need a hug. Even as an adult.