Infuriating bedroom issue
SS13 usually comes every other weekend (so like 4-6 days a month). The other times, my husband goes to see him for dinner 1-2 times a week.
We have two other children (S11 and D10). This year, we decided to make my two bio children stop sharing rooms and for the boys to share instead.
SS was not happy about but it kind of worked at first. But in the last few months the fighting between the two got really bad and my husband eventually decided that our living room would become SS's "bedroom" while he was here.
My husband knew SS wouldn't be happy with this so nearly $2000 was spent to make the new temporary bedroom look nice. In fact, it looks even nicer then the other bedrooms (fresh paint, multipurpose furniture).
But as I predicted, SS was not happy with the new arrangement. He only became sort of ok with it after my husband installed some thick curtains and a promise to give him his privacy whenever he wanted it.
Now this promise to coming to bite us on our butts.
SS is living with us for the summer. And he is using my husband's promise to make our lives more difficult. He will randomly say he wants to be in his room or need to nap, which means we all need to leave. I've noticed he will do this when my kids are watching tv or playing xbox).
My final straw was last night when we were having a BBQ. SS announces he wants to go to bed at 7 pm. So we ended up having to bring the food into the kitchen to eat. Then SS starts yelling through the curtains that it's too loud. We ended up eating in our bedrooms. Thank god we didn't have guests.
I went down for water and guess who was on his Nintendo? My blood was on fire. I told my husband but he is too afraid to upset the apple cart and that it's taken this long for SS to adjust the bedroom situation and we should compromise.
I just know that he is too scared to say anything to SS and get BM involved. SS always runs back to snitch on us for everything and it causes so much chaos all the time.
SS already does not respect me (in sneaky ways) and this is just the cherry on top. I am dreading our trip to Disneyland next week.
How would you handle this?
SS doesn't get his own
SS doesn't get his own bedroom. He has to share. Tell him the living room arrangement isn't working and move him back into S's room
I wouldn't need to handle
I wouldn't need to handle this because the kid would not be running my home in the first place.
My SD did what DH and I TOLD her to do. She did not make the decisions in our home, nor did we ask for her input or permission.
Take back your home make your living room your living room, again. He blew it.
I would probably tell him
I would probably tell him that the LR isn't working out and he will need to go back to sharing with his step-brother.. unless you have another room like a home office of some sort that could do double duty.
There will be conflicts with the kids.. I would try to stay out of them. I would maybe give them both an incentive that if they can get along for the summer that they will get a reward.. trip to the water park.. new game.. or something that they both have been wanting.
They are only 2 years apart.. both boys.. they can share. Taking over the living room isn't a good option. Maybe if you had a dining room that was not used much.. but not a LR.
I can't believe it was
I can't believe it was suggested, and actually happened, that he got the living room in the home?! Everyone is kicked out of the main living space at 7pm?! How is that possibly the only solution?
I agree with everyone else. Nope, not working out (because he is being a 1st class douche). If it was 7am and he was wanting to sleep in on Saturday morning when nothing is planned; fine. 7pm when the family is enjoying quality time??--- eff you SS.
If your husband will not agree to move him out of the livingroom, every time SS pulls this crap take your real kids and go to a movie, out for dessert, or any other fun thing you can think of. Oooooh sorry SS, you can't come... you need your sleep!
Also!
Immediately get new TVs for your real kid's bedrooms... its only fair! SS has one!
Oh no no noooooooo OP
Oh no no noooooooo OP
It bit you in the rear because you two gave your parent power away.
Time to hit the re-set button. IF the kid doesnt like it he can go back to his moms.
Having SS move back into my
Having SS move back into my son's room is not an option guys. The fighting once got physical and BM, who is super high conflict, has threatened to call CPS.
I considered having my son sleep in the living room instead but he is a very light sleeper. And frankly, I dont trust him with a TV there.
I guess my two kids will need to bunk together again, at least when SS is here. I hate this option because they are getting older. What a waste of time, money and energy.
Thanks for advice everyone. My husband is too much of a push over to stand up to SS because of how much drama it creates.
Part of growing up is
Part of growing up is learning to deal with other people. Put the two boys back in the same and make it clear that NO aggressivity or violence will be tolerated.
CPS could not care less about kids who don't get on. Tell your DH that the drama will continue until he stands up for himself. He'll find that when he actually does stand up for himself that BM/SS will run out of options pretty quick.
Not to mention SS is older.
Not to mention SS is older. CPS will not do a thing about this. They will however have and issue with opposite sex kids sharing a room
Don't allow
This 13 yr old Nazi run your home, and no don't expose your bios to his hateful behavior. Take your home back. Tell DH to parent his kid. He is a child in your home and does not get to set the tone. He must follow the same rules your kids are expected to follow. Grrrr makes me angry that you did all of this remodeling to have it thrown back in your face.
I suspect he's running you
I suspect he's running you out of the living room and making the LR situation difficult so that you'll move your kids back together and he'll get his own room again. And it looks like that's what's going to happen.
Do you have any other space that might work? Basement? Dining room? Den?
I cannot imagine that CPS would do anything because two brothers are fighting in their bedroom. It's not uncommon, nor is it uncommon for siblings to share a bedroom. I'd put the two fighting boys together before I put brother and sister together.
No more curtains
Yup the solution is no more curtains! This will force him to be part of the family dynamic. At 13 he is a CHILD and does not need the privacy of curtains.
And really HE gets to yell at all of YOU about how loud you are. Heck no!!! What? When he yells you draw the curtains open...he clearly isn't sleeping!
From now on he is expected to follow house rules and be held to the same standards as all the people in your family. If he bitches tell him he is family and is expected to behave as such. Be as clear as possible.
If BM wants to call cps she can( it will not be so bad as youu think). Most BMs don't bother as CPS tends to then check both households. If DH is still apprehensive go to cps and see how they evaluate a fit parent.(Im sure that someone can hand you at least a checklist). Make sure you follow the checklist.
My DH used to let YSS he is
My DH used to let YSS sleep on the couch and not in his room. One time he told me not to wake him up when I left for work in the morning. It only took one time for him to tell me that before I told DH that he better fix his kid really quick or I will. So DH decided to bribe both skids by getting them new smart TV's for their rooms. I told DH bribing them is wrong and you aren't setting a good example for your kids. The TV's were christmas presents but still the real reason DH bought the TV's was to make YSS migrate to his room. It did work and it still is working because YSS no longer sleeps on the couch but my DH just simply doesn't want to be the bad guy and doesn't want to parent his kid.
OP it sounds like you are in a similiar situation. Please do not let this kid run your household. YSS used to pull the same crap and picked on OSS because he
didn't want him in the living room and my DH would just ignore it. YSS controlled our household until I put my foot down on DH. I told him that I will not tolerate an 11 yr running my household and that he better do something to correct it or I was gone. Let BM call CPS. They will not do anything for kids fighting.
I hear all of you and agree
I hear all of you and agree completely. But my husband and his inability to handle SS and BM makes enforcing these rules difficult.
We have had CPS called on us before. I do not wantt o subject my kids to that again. As much as I hate that I am giving in to SS, I think having him sleep in my son's room and having my son either sleep in the other bedroom or the livng room is the best option.
We will make the move after next week because we are going on vacation and my husband has strained his back.
I am slightly ok because this will only be the arrangement for a few days a month (other than all summer). But a part of me is terrified because SS has said he will want to vist more next school year and my husband is all for it.
I really dont like being a stepmom. I was so optimistic at first. But SS and BM have made it impossible to enjoy SS's company.
Wait wait WAITTTTT
Wait wait WAITTTTT
Ma'am...your ss is violent and YOU are worried that mommy will call cps on YOU about her son who is violent inside YOUR HOME?????
My intent is not to be rude to you OR insult your husband.
A Phd in Child Psycology told my husband two very important things.
1. if a kid runs away again call the cops. and 2. IF a kid becomes violent again call the cops.
This is bigger than a curtin and sleeping rooms It IS a safty issue for everyone inside your home. My question is why---why would you allow a violent teen inside your home with your other kids?
We have been where you are. I would suggest calling Mom on the phone and telling her you are returning the boy today....and he is not welcome in your home UNTIL he is reasonably cleared by a Phd in kid psycology to 'reasonably' believe he is not a threat.
I suspect this kid is wonderful at moms..or she tells you that. 'HE doesnt act like this with meeeeeee"....am I correct in assuming that?
Expect mom to tell you that YOU CAN NOT DO THIS...YOU must keep the kid in your home.
not true ma'am. Pack his belogings...and take him to moms because YOU are all afraid.
Punch in numbers on your child support work sheet so you know what cs may look like with this change. ALSO seek out possible teen camps for troubled teens, cost and what inurance will pay.
YOUR NOT PROTECTING the kids who are non- violent and you are required to.
A Judge would also see this as a safety issue for ALL concerned living inside your home.
I understand your husband being scared of his ex. Some teen take over the role bm's had. I could be wrong so one of two things is going on:
IF i am wrong then your violent ss needs at the least a psycological eval. Everyone is failing this kid.
OR two,,mom has the kids taking over to traumatize your home. It seems to be working very well.
SS isn't violent. My son isnt
SS isn't violent. My son isnt violent either. It's just that the constant arguing between the two boys escalated to pushing and some accidental scratching. The scratching was done by my son to SS. A very small one.
Accidental scratching""
Accidental scratching"" because they were fighting Ma'am. IF there was no fighting, there would not have been scratches.
Good Luck.
Yes, but I don't think its a
Yes, but I don't think its a sitauation that causes me to fear for our safety. I have no grounds to to ban him from the home.
Your DH needs counseling to
Your DH needs counseling to learn how to parent better. It's not good for the child, your kids or the marriage for him to be giving in to his child being a tyrant of the house.
I have someone sleeping in the living room. We try to be respectful during normal sleep times, but demands that we are being too loud would be met with pushback from adults here. If I caught him saying he's going to sleep at 7 but on his video games later, he would lose video games and the curtain for at least a week.
Your DH is held hostage by his son's demands and that is not healthy for anyone.
Yup...i agree
Lose video games and curtain.
I agree. But he will never
I agree. But he will never agree. I probably need to make this the hill to die on.
What's mr.softy gonna do
What will he do if one day he comes home and lil scratchy angel does not have curtains around his bed. ? Probably nothing bc he never enforces with his son so why would he with you.
If he tries to enforce rules with you just tell him you are tired and going to bed...then lay on the couch(yup in the living room) and proceed on watching tv. When anybody tries to say something you yell at them to be quiet q bc you are sleeping.
EYEBALL ROLL
EYEBALL ROLL KEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
This is ridiculous
You and your DH have let SS rule the roost, commandeer your living room and home to such an extent that you ate your dinner in your bedroom. Take back the control now.
The boys share a room when SS is over and that is the end of it. CPS won’t give a hoot that step siblings fight from time to time so let BM call them.
Also, you can tell BM to STFU if she asks about who is sleeping where in your house because it is none of her bloody business.
If CPS were ever called on my
If CPS were ever called on my home, my husband would be conducting his EOW visitation at a hotel from that day forward.