BM has won
So in the past three weeks, BM has continued to be extra difficult. We wanted to take SS to a wedding on Nov 10 but it wasn't our weekend. We had already approved this with her a few months ago and bought the suit and everything.
But BM, who was so offended by my husband asking her to stop dumping SS with us every single weekend decided that nope, they need to follow visitation strictly. And she told us this after making us wait an hour on the Saturday.
Spent the wedding avoiding questions on why SS wasn't there.
BM is now saying she won't pay for her half of SS's sport anymore. She says my husband signed him so he can pay and do all of the transportation. Even though this has been split for the past few years.
The CO does say that extra-curriculars have to be paid by child support. But only if both parents agree to it.
So of course, my husband doesn't want SS to not be able to go while our other kids do. So he is going to eat the costs and do all the transportation.
Maybe all this would be worth it if SS was actually pleasant to be around but he is clearly hearing a lot of stuff from BM and is coming here with major attitude and making up cases of favoritism.
Thanksgiving for the past decade, SS has always been at our house. The CO says it alternates but BM does not cook. We invite almost 15 people over and its a huge thing.
But this year, again, she is not allowing him to come over. And my husband is struggling to be ok with it. SS had a huge tantrum this weekend about it and really made my husband upset. He asked BM nicely but she replied saying she was done playing nice. When has she ever?
Today, my MIL called my husband and said they are having their own Thanksgiving and inviting BM and SS. Apparently since we can't get along for the sake of SS they have decided to split it. So now, the other family members will also be splitting the holiday between the two houses.
I bought enough food for 15 and our guest list became 6.
I'm worn down. My husband is too. He thought he would finally take a stand but BM's tactics are working. He is getting a lot of grief from my FIL at work as well and it's really hurting his feelings.
No therapist will touch SS without BM's permission. My husband is going to talk to BM next week and tell her the old arrangement was fine and she can leave SS with us anytime.
The thought of her winning is making me sick. But the person hurting the most is SS. We can't win against a mother who hates my husband more than she loves her own child.
Nope don't give in. This is
Nope don't give in. This is only her acting up to see if DH has strong boundaries. It always gets worse before it gets better. Tell him to hold strong.
BM will get tired of SS. She will. She is used to calling the shots and DH should have shut her down years ago but didn't. She is throwing her temper tantrum. Dont give into it! One bad holiday season in the grand scheme of things is not a terrible thing
With high conflict people..
With high conflict people.. going directly with the CO is really the best course of action. Of course, it's unfortunate that he missed the wedding.. but in the future.. going forward.. it will be easier to just rely on that guidance and if SS misses some things like that because of visitation with mom.. so be it. In the end, you will reap more benefit from not getting dumped on.
Don’t give in- follow the CO
Don’t give in- follow the CO to the letter. She will also have consequences as well. Right now she is “playing tough” but she won’t be when she has a family dinner she wants SS for, or a hot date, or whatever.
It is nice when you can stray from the order a bit, but if you stick to it you know what is what and can plan accordingly. Just stick with it and MIL and FIL will adjust too and drop the drama.
Dont ppplogize, dont grovel.... just stick with the order.
Sigh
Reading this makes my stomach turn. I've been there. BM essentially playing a game of chicken- knowing you will back down because you don't want to do anything to hurt the child.
Sounds like it's a little too late, but perhaps DH just needs lay it all out- explain the custody agreement to SS. SS is always welcome at your house, but it is his mom's turn this year and so ultimately it is her decision. I completely understand why this is easier said than done, but it needs to be done.
Also, I think I would have to stand up to family at some point. DH's family is supposed to have HIS back, not her's. Planning a separate family gathering to include her is a stab in the back in my opinion. I would think this would warrant a serious family discussion, although sounds like it's a little too late this year.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I know there is no easy answer.
I think the problem here is
I think the problem here is that the MIL and FIL are doing what OP's husband used to do. Read her older post. So basically, BM is still getting free babysitting. But it's causing issues for OP and her family. BM is not losing anything in this situation.
The only way to avoid this and for things to work out is for th in laws to say no to looking after SS as well. BM needs to face some pain for being difficult.
But everyone, including in-laws need to be on the same page.
Look - this BM needs to be in
Look - this BM needs to be in control. You posted lots of blogs about how awful it was the BM dumped him off on you all the time and we encouraged your DH to stand up to her. He did and she's punishing him. And his own family is joining in the fun.
If he crawls back with his tail between his legs and says, " Sorry, Queen Ex-Wife, please punish me in the OTHER manner", he is handing over any last shred of personal power he has - effectively his balls, all tied up with a ribbon.
Just enjoy your small Thanksgiving and your skid free weekends. She's going to alienate your SS no matter what you do, so just go with this way. She's likely to give it up if DH doesn't cave. Find a way to tell his parents to shove off and mind their own business (such as your DH getting another job to get away from FIL).
Nope, don't cave. It is time
Nope, don't cave. It is time for a destroy the BM war. I would take the 6 people that are slotted for your home for TG and everyone go to MIL's. Bare BM's ass. This is your DH's parents and he needs to give everyone clarity that BM is no longer family and her manipulative crap will not be tolerated. He .. and you ... need to go loaded with the facts and if one smirk, snide remark, or whisper occurs among those aligned with BM occurs start blasting the facts.
Sooner rather than later DH needs to sit down MIL and FIL (his parents) down for a face to face and force feed them the facts, every sordid little detail, and then put them on the spot to make their choice. Support BM and her manipulative destruction of the SKid and the family or .... embrace the facts and join the bare BM's ass club.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
No quarter.
And... have fun doing it.
My mother was convinced that the SpermClan, particularly SpermGrandHag could not be as evil as we were experiencing. Mom would attempt to mitigate our frustration with "grand mother" perspective and intended to bond with SpermGrandHag over being the Skid's grandmothers. Finally my mom experienced the real SpermGrandHag when she and dad were visiting us one Christmas and SpermGrandHag called to rage at my DW. My mom was mortified, picked up the phone, smacked SpermGrandHag around and slammed the phone down.
Facts are neither good nor bad. Facts are merely facts. Facts are good. Use them to enlighten the MIL and FIL.
No quarter, keep everyone aligned with the facts and if she so much as twitches out of line with reasonable behavior bare BM's ass with the facts.
BM, who was so offended by my
BM is following the advice many get and give on this site. Her answer is the classic result of be careful what you ask for. The result may not be what you expect.
Why were you avoiding the question? Answer honestly. We wanted to bring SS, but by the CO it isn't our weekend. We asked BM if we could have him on her weekend and she said no. An honest answer about the reality of life with a CO is much easier than avoiding.
As to Thanksgiving, that would be the last time any one who reneged my invitation and went to MIL's to be with BM would be invited to my house.
Yes and yes...perfect answer
Yes and yes...perfect answer