I'm having a baby....
Forums:
Am I being unreasonable in that I don’t want my husbands ex-wife to come to the hospital after I give birth to our baby? I’m pretty sure she will try under the pretext of bring their son to see his new baby brother, but my husband has a big enough family that there are plenty of people to get his son to the hospital after the birth without involving her coming up.
No, you're not being unreasonable
That's a boundary she shouldn't cross. Have your husband make arrangements with a relative to pick up SS to bring him to the hospital after the birth. End of story.
Yes, this is her son's new baby brother, but your baby is not HER anything, she really doesn't have any business being there. It's really not her place. I hope that she will be able to let go of her kid long enough for him to be able to celebrate his new family member with you guys without having her hovering over him.
How old is your SS?
I agree with the girls here
If you don't want the bm there, it is your husbands job to make arrangements for ss to be there, after all it is you who will be doing all the work on the big day. For me, bm came to the hospital when be first bio was born only because it was also my ss's birthday so she brought him to see the new sister "he got for his birthday" Luckily my son was born on a different day, and ss was picked up for his first visit with his new brother by my parents.
Thanks
Thanks for the comments. To Caitlin, SS is 6 1/2.
I would in no way allow my
I would in no way allow my B/F's ex to come up after I gave birth. My B/F is the father of both therefore he needs to take on this responsibility...If I felt it was going to be an issues I would be enough of a bitch to have my mom with me at the birth and not my B/F.
He would have that choice. Just my opinion.
Lisa Dawn
We had our son 16 months ago
We had our son 16 months ago and there is no way in hell I wanted or even thought that SM would be present. It is such a family bonding moment. My inlaws picked her up and brought her to the hospital.
No way did I want her ruining that wonderful Day!!!!!
Airport
When we got back from our honeymoon vacation with the kids...DH suggested that the BM meet us at airport so she can take their kids back home which would save him the hassle...I thought THAT was insane!! Therefore going to the hospital is Beyond Comprehensible to me...
Ya know what I hate...I hate the fact that whenever I do things that involve the skids somehow, I always have to "ponder" about the scenario that may or may not happen involving the ex. Will there ever be a day that she doesn't come into play in my life?
Been there.
My SS's BM wouldn't have wanted to be there so I was lucky..but no you should have who you feel comfortable with there and no one else...sorry but... what the?? Who suggested this to you anyway?? A big NO from me.
Hell... if it were me...
I'd only want my DH there, and everyone else can wait at home! LOL...
I agree to just arrange with family to pick SS up. Personally, I think that's a little eery myself....
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
More details.....
Nobody has suggested that she be there and we’re not friendly. We’re cordial, on the rare occasions that we see each other. It’s just like Bonus Wife said….I was just “pondering” the scenario where the ex would try to insert herself into our relationship (my pregnancy). She fancies herself manipulative and clever. I really don’t know her that well, yet when she found out I was pregnant she sent me a “Mommy-to-Be” bracelet………creepy….and has bought a few other baby gifts…ick. ((DH & Ex were married for 10 years, 1 son. DH & I were married approximately 4 months after their divorce (2 1/2 years ago))
I asked my husband, “What if ex tries to come to the hospital” and his response was…..ok, get ready for this………but something like, “What would you want me to do about it”………YIKES. At that time (out of anger) I responded, “Well, epidural or not, I’d come up out of my bed and tell her to leave”…lol After calming down I explained to him how I’d like for him to be proactive and make arrangements with his family to have his son picked up and brought to the hospital. Granted, if she’s bound and determined to bust up in the hospital, there’s nothing we can do to stop her (of-coarse she would do it under the guise of being happy for her son to have a new brother, but from my experience it would only be to try and cause drama). I just know if she made it as far as my room, I would tell her to leave and therefore drama she would have created. (which I’m probably “pondering” for nothing, she probably won’t even come)
I just posted b/c in the past I probably have been unreasonable on some of my thoughts/request but this time I was pretty sure I wasn’t being. Thanks.
Expect Anything
I think you can't put anything past the ex. We got a wedding gift from her (I didn't know her and my ex were still "friends") and when I opened this "extra" gift, I felt like she totally intruded on my day. She was present through her gift....
So, I definitely suggest having a game plan. Now, in this case, there is no way to prepare because on that day she may suggest offering to help out by bringing ss up...but if DH knows what to say if that occurs at that time, you wont have to worry about it.
You did your part if you did ask the grandparents to handle the ss that day...but after that things are out of your control.
The truth is we really do have to just learn how not to let ANYTHING the ex does ruffles our feathers. If she shows up, God forbid, you have to have the tools to not let it affect you. It's the secret I an seeking myself.
It's nice to have validation sometimes!
Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable too, and I come here to ask. I'm usually surprised with a whole slew of validating responses and then I wonder what I was worried about in the first place!
When are you due? I'm expecting in July. Is this your first? We had our first together 18 months ago and BM took SD out of state on "vacation" at the time so I had the opposite problem. No, I did not run the risk of BM showing up at the hospital, but SD had to wait a week to meet her baby sister because her mom whisked her away out of jealousy. It was so sad. I remember BM made a huge deal about how it was a 10-12 hour drive and she'd TRY to get SD to our house by 6pm, (the court ordered time) but huff, puff it'll be tough, etc. She said she would leave at 8am and we called at 9:30 and they hadn't left yet. She had kept SD up until 2am the night before and then got her up to watch the sun rise that morning. We don't know what time they finally left, but BM delivered an exhausted, starved, bleery eyed 10-year-old girl at 10:30pm that night to meet her baby sister for the first time. It turns out that they took a few side trips to places where BM lived for a few years as a child, they visited her grandfather, they stopped at home first - all to avoid SD having a nice homecoming to meet her baby sister at a reasonable hour.
Oh and I found out a year later that it's a 5 hour drive, not 10-12. I actually got in an argument with SD about it! I said, "no, it takes 10 or 12 hours, your mom said last year! That's why you didn't get to our house until 10:30 that night!" She said, "well, Mommy lied because I know it takes 5 hours!" I mapquested it and sure enough - it's a 5 hour drive.
After all that crap, BM gave our baby a lullaby CD as a gift after the birth. Ew. I don't get it. Why couldn't the gift have been from SD instead of her? She tries to poison her kid against us, tries to keep her away, then she gives us a GIFT?
Anyway, I'm rambling now. Just thought I'd share. I'm glad that your SS will be able to come see his baby brother at the hospital. I wish that my SD had had that privilege. I'm hoping she'll be able to come this time, but I won't hold my breath. I hope you won't have too much drama! Isn't it sad that these are the things we need to worry about instead of just enjoying bringing our children into the world with our families by our side?
Some Good Points
It IS VERY nice to be validated.
I’m 36 years old and this will be my first child and I’m due mid April.
To Bonus Wife…I totally can sympathize with feeling like your day had been intruded upon. I feel like she’s trying to keep a connection through her “gifts” and insert herself, somehow, into our marriage & pregnancy. I think I would do the opposite…And you’re right, we just need to have a game plan and be mentally prepared for anything, and not give her the “power”.
I have been married & dated men before with ex-wives and I had no problems with them, so it’s not like I have a history with this type thing. I myself am an ex (but without children, which is different) But when my ex-husband had a child with his wife, I sure didn’t run to the store to buy them gifts. And I know there are people out there who get along marvelously with ex’s and gifts would be no big deal to them….so bully for them….
I appreciate everybody’s perspective.
Congrats on the pregnancy.
Congrats on the pregnancy. How far along are you? I too have faced this thought. I am 24 weeks pregnant and don't want 'her- ss mom' anywhere close to my babies. I think hubby will call and ask if he can pick up my ss and bring him to the hospital to meet his new sister. If she says no, oh well. I want my ss included but not her. And I will not budge on this topic. After labor and delivery I will be in no shape to deal with her.... Juat my point of view. Its selfish but there are only a few times that we are allowed to be and this is one