I'm feeling like the UGLY STEPMONSTER!!
I'm feeling like the wicked stepmonster...My fiance and I live together in my home. He is a wonderful caring man, treats me like a queen. He has a great relationship with my grown children(who dont live with us) He has two children who are with us eow and Wednesday nights SS8 and SD12. He has been divorced for 5 years and I know he misses his kids. They live in a different town from us, about 20 minutes away.
I'm having a problem with the Disney dad syndrome. When the SK's arrive here eow their vacation beings and last until they leave on Sunday night. SS is not so bad, he can occupy himself pretty well. He picks up after himself, dishes in the sink, candy wrapppers in the trash and always polite. On ther other hand, SD is a nightmare, candy wrappers everywhere, nail polish remover cottonballs everywhere, leaves dirty dishes everywhere, bed just thrown together...whines constantly about being bored cannot entertain herself for one minute, always needs to have playdates and sleepovers. The worst thing for me is that she is the "apple of daddys eyes", and can do no wrong.
Last weekend she had a friend sleep over on Friday night, they were good but come Saturday the friend goes home and SD is asked to clean up her room(candy wrappers,gum on the floor, dishes and blankets all over her room.) well now she doesnt want to because she is tired and doesnt feel well ( should have gotten some sleep instead of staying up doing nails until 2:30am). Daddy doesn't say a word, they leave on Sunday night I go to their room to find the wrappers and gum still on the floor, blankets thrown in a corner. I clean up the mess and tell daddy about it and his response "oh your over reacting...she's JUST a kid and kids make messes and she gets that from my ex wife.. He thinks his kids wont want to come visit him if he makes them clean or do chores.
He has explained to his daughter that he doesnt want to spend every week end he has her driving her to playdates in the other town, he would like her to spend some time with us doing family things, but she whines and cries til she gets her way. If she doesnt get her way she stays in her room all day, only comes out to get daddy to make her lunch or dinner.
I dont have a problem with straighteneing out their rooms after they leave, however I do mind cleaning up their messes especially SD12. She knows better and can do better, but makes no attempt at it. I have asked my fiancee for his help, but his excuse is she is only 12. That doesnt seem right to me...if she is old enough to have sleep overs and play dates, she needs to be responsible enough to clean up. And he is doing her a dis-service by not making her be responsible.
I am looking for some suggestions on how to handle this, I love this man and I do love his children but I want them to have some responsibilites and learn that you always cant have want you want just because... I am trying so hard to be a good step-parent, I just feel like I'm failing
Is probably go with, if she
Is probably go with, if she is too young to throw garbage in the garbage can and make her bed then she's too young for sleepovers at my house.
Or, make Dh clean up after her when she leaves. I find my Dh doesn't care about any mess/issue until HE has to deal with it, then he will lay down the law.
Also, explain this stuff to him calmly before their visit, not while they are there or right after when he's missing them, and feeling bad that they left. Catch him I'm the middle of your off weekend so everyone is being rational.
Yes!!! I've told DH several
Yes!!! I've told DH several times that he clearly doesn't love his child or he would parent him so he could have a better future. I told him he is just as selfish and lazy as BM. Let him chew on that for a while because it is the truth. Recently I told him since he feels the need to discipline other children, but lets his own child get away with murder, that he is sending a message to his son that he cares so much more for my kids than his son because he can't be bothered to address his own child's behavior. Kids aren't stupid and it's up to the parent to PARENT for God's sake!
I think this is the toughest.
I think this is the toughest. Especially if you are blending his kids and your kids and there is a double standard. In your case he is really disrespecting you. He is also, I agree, doing a disservice to his own child. This inequality is going to turn into resentment and disengagement if he doesn't shape up and it will poison your relationship. I've never seen anyone on here really be able to break through to a "guilty daddy" with common sense and reason. I too am dealing with this, and although I've made a little progress, it still feels as if he is just blinded by biology. You have to stand up for yourself though. "Only twelve" - give me a break. Does she have austism, down syndrome? Some mental handicap that prevents her from understanding right from wrong? This garbage she is pulling is only going to get worse as she reaches her teens. If he lets her do anything she wants just because it's easier for him not to parent then what do you think is going to happen in the future? Sit down with him and tell him you need to come together as a team and have the same parenting standards in your home. If he keeps disregarding you then you can give him consequences or just disengage and let him deal with it all and refuse to help at all with her. It's tough so thank goodness we can vent here. Fight for yourself though. No actions of a twelve year old should be ruling your home or your life.
I agree with what you say in
I agree with what you say in regards to the fact that she is 12 and things are only going to get worse from here. I keep telling him that he needs to be a parent first and then a friend to them. They will respect him more. I will continue to try and talk with him and be as understanding as I can be, but I know sometimes he thinks I am just picking on SD. I think she is a good girl but just needs a little direction, before things get worse.
Stress with him that his JOB
Stress with him that his JOB is to prepare her to be an adult-he is NOT teaching her the skills she needs in order to be a mature, responsible individual. He is failing her. Then have him watch the movie Courageous.
I have had that issue with my
I have had that issue with my children for years... is it possible to clean their rooms with them before they go home. Can you ask your DH to make this part of their routine every sunday before they leave to go home ~ it is probably about 15 minutes tops and will alleviate some of your resentment that can build around these situations.
Thank you everybody for your
Thank you everybody for your words of wisdom and your suggestions. I will continue to try and communicate with him and remain patient with the SKids. Its sad to me...2 years ago when I met is daughter she was 10 and a sweet young thing who loved her dad...today she is a spoiled little brat who knows how to manipulate her dad. I just want him to learn its ok to say no to her, or ask her to do something. That in the long run she will love him for teaching her responsibility, values and life lessons.