I just read the article about disengaging. Such useful information. The article pretty much nailed it for me. I'm trying to write this with interuptions from my DH so I hope it is somewhat coherent. I really do have a college degree and know how to write, lol.

I've been with my DH for 12 years. Together we have 4 children all about the same age. This means we have all been together since the kids were about 4 and 5 yrs old. They are now 24, 18, 18 and 16. You'd think it would get better, but it doesn't.

My DH ex wife is diagnosed bipolar. She's had custody of the kids all these years through melt down after melt down. MyDH did not want to make things harder on his kids by starting WWIII with a custody battle. But no doubt he would have won. The DH ex and her emotional problems which always cause chaos have affected the SK. They are frequently rude, inconsiderate and basic manners seem to escape them. What is really hard to take is they are Honor Roll students and their teachers all rave about them. To me they are rotten nasty kids but apparently they know how to fool the teachers. Also their mother is functionally illiterate and a neglectful mother. She doesn't clean, cook or do their laundry. Many times when they were younger, she would take off to the bar and not come home at all...but you can bet the teachers all think she must be some super mom since her kids are so well behaved!!

The SK have become over the years, the caretaker of their dysfunctional mom. They have undying loyalty to her even though she's done some nasty things to them--too numerous to mention in this post. But certifiably mean rotten things only a bipolar manic depressive person with a mean streak is capable of. My SS seems to be taking after his mom. My SD had some promise of becoming a caring consider person, but I now have some doubts.

My kids aren't perfect, but at least they have some social skills. They know to say Thank You and I'm Sorry. They also tried very hard to accept my SK as family. My SK will have nothing to do with it.

Last year, my SD came to live with us. My kids have moved out for college. My SD,as she got older apparently envoked the rage of my DH ex because it was evidence to her (the Ex) that she was aging. She's one of those women who cannot face getting older. She's spent child support money on lots of plastic surgery. Anyway...things got really bad for my SD. She was verbally abused many times by this psycho.

The topper came when she had a psychotic episode and threw my SD out of the house at 11pm without any clothes on. There were other things too, but this was the last straw and my SD decided to come live with us. When we married 6 years ago, we bought a large home, so ALL the kids have had their own bedrooms with all the amenities. So instead of having the SD everyother weekend the only big adjustment was she was here all the time. Which was okay.

I have always tried to treat me SK like my own. Big mistake, cause they aren't mine and will never treat me like their bio parents.

Anyway, this year, I thought with my SD living with us, we were finally bonding and I was becoming, NOT like a parent, but like a special adult friend or role model.

Winter break comes. My SD goes to stay with her Mom and brother. We meet up with the SK at my mother in laws (their grandma, my DH mom) and the attitude of my SD was aloof. She was joking with her brother, wispering...just acting like a snot.

My mother in law is so overly over the top with my SK and my own children who call her Step grandma, she treats like second class citizens. She is blantantly unfair in the gift giving. $20 for my kids, $500 each for "her grandchildren" and when she refers to my kids she does not call them by name but says "your kids" "your daughter" "your son". I guess I've been dreaming, thinking we were 1 family.

Anyway...gift opening time comes. My kids buy, with their own money, gifts for their S/brother and sister. And, their stepdad. It's the way they were raised, but now they know enough about manners that you don't buy for one and not the other. The gifts are not expensive, it's the thought. Well....we open gifts, my SK get a gift for their dad and grandma..NOTHING for me or my kids. We've been in their lives for 12 years!!

I have had it. I wish I could have read the "disengage" article years ago. I have cook, cleaned, bought all the gifts for these two ungratefully little brats for the last time.

Other than the kids, as my DH says "we never fight about anything else"...I am not going to let these two ruin my marriage. I tried very hard to find some common, respectful ground with these two but they are so loyal and protective of their emotionally sick mother that I think they cannot separate their mother is who she is but being respectful and liking me is not being disloyal to her.