ideas on how to talk to bf about his son's behavior...long
I am looking for some advice on a non-confrontational way to talk to my bf about his son's behavior, which is getting worse every weekend. I honestly do like his son, there are times when he is a fun little boy to be around like when we go swimming or put put golf, but if the activity is not centered around him at all times everything falls apart. He is the product of a "guilty daddy" and is very spoiled, which I accepted and have been trying to deal with, but lately it seems like he is more and more disrespectful and demanding which is causing a lot of stress in our relationship. I have tried planning activities with friends, going to the gym, etc to be away from the house as much as possible, but as soon as I walk in the door I want to leave again. We have had talks in the past about not making special dinners, having a bedtime and bf not sleeping with SS8. This will last for a little bit then it's right back to fun time! It seems like more and more when SS8 is over I do not exist other than to clean up and cook or order dinner, I have mentioned this to bf but he doesn't see it, maybe part of it is my fault b/c I just can't be around his son much. Some of the behaviors are...demanding to be played with all of the time, lack of respect for his father (he will call him stink or chubby and bf actually answers and accepts this), interrupts adult conversations to make dad go and play with him, refuses to take a bath or shower unless bf sits in the bathroom with him the entire time and this is after a half hour argument in the first place, follows bf everywhere..even into the bathroom sometimes, refuses to eat the majority of things given to him even when it is something that he requested but now changed his mind, demands dessert all the time and yells when it isn't what he wants or the amount that he wants, has no bedtime (they were playing video games and wrestling till 1am on sat night)complains that he wants bf to sleep on the bottom bunk and won't stop till bf does. I understand and encourage them to spend time together since bf only has him on weekends, but I think this is too much and don't think that some rules will hurt. Nothing gets done on the weekends, bf has been trying to fix the sink but can't b/c SS8 needs his full attention every min...I don't see why SS8 couldn't help with tasks and then they could play. I am looking for a way to ask him to balance things, small chores like picking up/putting away his toys, respect for his father, myself and our house, a bedtime (10:30 - 11pm?)so that bf and I could watch a movie at least and bf sleeping in our bed. Is this too much to ask for, because if it is then I honestly don't think I can do this anymore. I feel so alone and angry on the weekends and that isn't right. I know that bf is just trying to make his son happy and enjoy the time they spend together, but it is hurting our relationship. Every weekend it seems like I withdraw to my room b/c I can't stand to see and hear how he let's his son talk to and treat him. If these are reasonable things to request then,I would appreciate any advice on how to approach bf so it doesn't sound like I am trying to attack either his parenting skills or relationship with his son.
How long have you been with
How long have you been with your BF and how long has the guilt parenting and lack of structure been status quo?
We have been together a
We have been together a little over 2 year and he has been living with me for almost a year now. The guilt parenting and lack of structure has been there the entire time and has been the bas of most of our arguments. Some things have improved a bit. BF tries to enforce rules more now, and SS8 was sleeping with him/us before so that is an improvement.
Thank you Nomi. I hope that
Thank you Nomi. I hope that we are both able to get some advice that will help
Ok, so it's not going to be
Ok, so it's not going to be easy as it's been going on a while,but since your BF is trying to enforce the rules more now, sounds like he might be open to hearing your other suggestions. I suggest you sit him down and discuss the other issues in a calm and loving way. When I first moved in two years ago, alot of adjustments and change had to take place with his parenting especially because I had my DD11 who was used to rules, structure etc. We had lots of heated discussions about SS10 but in the end, he saw that I had valid points and he admitted that he was pretty much taking the easy way out instead of disciplining SS10. In any relationship, especially with step-families, communication and lots of it is key. If his son's behavior is making you so unhappy and feeling the need to isolate yourself, this is not good and it will only get worse.
Thank you. I do think that he
Thank you. I do think that he is also getting frustrated with the behavior (I can hear it in his voice) but worried about spending the majority of his time disciplining rather than enjoying their time together. In the end I think it will make their relationship and ours stronger. What are some reasonable rules for an 8 year old, with the understanding that it is a "guilty daddy" environment?
First of all, in a "guilty
First of all, in a "guilty daddy" environment, no rules are viewed as reasonable. That being said, ditch any acceptance of the so-called guilty daddy environment. I understand that he doesn't want to be a jail warden enforcing rules on his weekend visitation but he is creating a monster. And by enforcing the rules in an inconsistent manner i.e going back to the old ways after enforcing them for a short time, is not helping his son either. My DH struggled with this too but again, our situation was different in that SS10 is with us 99% of the time. I was the one to make sure that he followed through and didn't slide on being consistent with the rules. It was tough, really tough, especially for SS because he was basically being re-trained and I;m sure he resented me alot for introducing rules and structure into his "anything goes" world.
Whatever rules you and your BF decide on, it's very important for you guys to be consistent for it to work. Bedtime should be earlier that 10:30pm. I'd say between 8 and 9. He should be told to pick up after himself, put toys away etc. and if he doesn't, there should be a consequence. It is not going to be easy, and you guys will meet lots of resistance from SS but hopefully, if you're consistent, the rules will take root. What about BM's house? Is it lax over there or does he have rules / structure?
I can't be sure about the
I can't be sure about the rules at BM's house. I have asked SS8 in the past on a couple of things especially the sleeping thing and he said that at home he sleeps in his bed. SS8 did mention one time after being at another couples house for the day so he could play with their son that if he was at BM's he would have had to go to sleep a long time ago! I told him it was special b/c we were visiting and he said well at your house I can go to bed whenever I want! BM actually was upset with my bf a couple of weeks ago b/c she said that SS8 wants to be at our house all of the time b/c he can do as he pleases, etc. of course bf disagreed with her and told her about all of the rules that we have....funny they were all things I have suggested but are not enforced! After that converstaion I actually told him that I agreed with her, he listened and has been not giving in as easily since, but SS8 still wins out in the end. Your right that consistency is the key and I think that is something that I need to make bf understand....once that happens I do belive that things can change.
Sounds like you and BM are on
Sounds like you and BM are on the same page with regards to SS. I wish I had that in my situation! Our BM "says" she's strict etc. but how can she possibly enforce any rules when she's in bed "sick" half the time when SS is there for his EOWE? So is your BF not being as open minded now that you've agreed with BM? I think if SS is aware of rules and whatnot from BM's house, it should make it easier to enforce the same rules at your house. It sounds like your BF just doesn't want to do the work and finds it easier to just let SS do whatever he wants. I would suggest one of those parenting articles about structure, discipline and being consistent. Maybe he might read it and take it to heart since it wouldn't be coming from you or BM?
He has actually been better
He has actually been better since I agreed with BM, it is not something that I have ever done so I think it made him think. I am not sure how he would react to an article..maybe if I left an magazine open on the table or something so that he picked it up himself. I have tried putting Nanny911 on while he was in the room but he always changes the channel!