You are here

I seem to have the opposite problem of everyone else here

Kimlennny's picture

I read about how BM’s are drunk, clueless Pieces of trash or try and or cut BD out of the picture. I would kill for a BM like that. My BM is PTA Soccer mom of the year. Totally involved in every Aspect of SKs life and she expects Bio Dad to be too. BM made a Choice that the kids wants a needs always come first and boy if Bio Dad does not follow along she Harrasses him till he does. ONCE BD gave up three hours of his parenting time to go to a concert with me. Holy shit BM still YEARS later will throw that in his face when she gets pissed. She wants and excepts the kids to go to the best summer camps, best clothes,newest greatest of everything. God forbid we spend money on ourself. Both kids have iPhones, tabs, laptop computers. Both kids are in high school but neither do any sort of chores. BM pays someone to mow her lawn in the summer and shovel the snow in the winter. The kids Never make their own lunch for school or do laundry. Both kids are in “therapy” BM ‘s doing and BD had never miss an appointment or that gets thrown in his face. BM never remarried and god I wish she did as no man would put up with the constant attention she devotes on these kids. Rant over thanks for listening 

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

You just made me feel lucky. SD13’s BM only pretends to give a damn about her daughter and only when in public. Otherwise, she is a crappy mom who only appears involved.

This woman sounds like she gets all of her identity from being the protector and provider of all things right and true to these kids. But not giving them age-appropriate responsibilities is not providing. It is stalling them and limiting them.

She is a dummy!

 

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Still sounds like you have a DH problem.  Your DH needs to take his balls back from his exwife.  She can be as devoted as she wants, but she has no right to dictate your DH's life.  It sounds like your DH needs to man up and put some boundaries in place. If he doesn't, this will always be his life.  I don't think I could live with it if my DH was at another woman's beck and call. 

Kes's picture

You will find reading the site that quite a lot of people have similar BMs to the one you are dealing with.  The lovely NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) BM in my life was quite a lot like yours.  She raised 2 entitled snowflakes that got angry if we ever did anything with my (older) daughters.  Once when they were in their early teens, we had the temerity to go to my daughter's house for Xmas, (she lives 200 miles away so we stayed a couple of nights) and you could hear them screaming from here to John O'Groats!  

NPD BM always thought her daughters should be our first and last financial and practical priority and our own needs plus anyone else's were negligable.   To my mind this is not the right way to raise kids, you end up with self centred cuckoos who are obnoxious, and find it hard to keep friends or jobs. 

ldvilen's picture

You have the same problem most of us do because of this:  "If Bio Dad does not follow along she Harrasses him till he does."  Manipulative, controlling BMs are the problem and not necessarily those who are, "Drunk, clueless Pieces of trash or try and or cut BD out of the picture."  

You also say, "ONCE BD gave up three hours of his parenting time to go to a concert with me. . . . BM still YEARS later will throw that in his face when she gets pissed."  This is precisely the same problem we all have.  Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell.

To BM, the kids' wants and needs don't come first, she does.  And, it appears everyone in the family is pandering to this delusion rather than confronting it.

tog redux's picture

Lots of us deal with controlling BMs.  BM in our situation tried all that stuff you mention and got smacked down by DH. Boundaries are key with a woman like that, along with picking your battles and learning to have a very thick skin.

The flip side, though, of not letting a BM like this have control is that they will turn the kids against you if they don't get their way. A lot of men can't live with that thought and so they kowtow to the BM.  Finding an in between area, where BM doesn't alienate kids is hard.

My DH never found that area, he came down on BM like a load of bricks - and his son didn't speak to him for over 3 years.

It's not easy either way that you manage a BM like that, but for me, alienation was easier than having her up in DH's face all the time.

Healyourslf's picture

STUPORMOM:  Neath the perfectly coiffed "Stupormom" facade is a damaged and struggling ego whose life is lived vicariously through her children.  The need to CONTROL and live childcentrically is what gives Stupormom her seemingly enviable NPD power to overachieve.  Beware the well-honed, martyrlike excuses of "I'm doing it for the kids."  In truth, her actions are driven by the constant need to appease her drama-driven, vacuous sense of self.  

WARNING:  Anything Stupormom perceives as diminishing her children will be met with vindictive malice because the kids are extensions/tools used to ameliorate her lack of self love and worth.  Ofcourse, Stupormom is not conscious of these destructive behaviors and will claim victimhood for herself and the children as the first and foremost excuse for any and all self-inflicted situations.

THE GOLDEN UTERUS:  Careful of this cavernous "I birthed your children therefore I assume all power over you" weapon. Albeit, it's all in HER mind.  Stupormom will wield it whenever she gets the chance and its emotional repercussions can render DH incapable of making sound, self-preserving choices.  Be sure that DH cuts the invisible umbilical chord that is undoubtedly wrapped around his neck. 

KRYPTONITE: DH must procure a set of testicles immediately!  These are readily available anywhere on earth, but most likely well-guarded inside the pants that Stupormom has stolen from DH.  When confronted by Stupormom, DH must grab her by HIS testicles. He must then employ "the shield of bullshit" to deflect any guilt from diminishing his strength.  

More power to you with helping DH free himself!  

 

 

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

When confronted by Stupormom, DH must grab her by HIS testicles.  —-this made me laugh. Awesome.  

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

I don't mind either - the control freak or the can't care Mom. I have a Mom and don't need the "Mom-vibes" from BM.
The problem I found was that "Can't Care Mom" - which is the BM in my case - did more damage. The children were left feeling abandoned. I don't know how they overcome this. At least with a super-controlling meddler, this person is present in the kids lives.  I know basically being abandoned by his Mom, did huge damage to SS, although it is something he rarely talks about to me.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

How about a HCBM who ACTS this part only it is a facade?!

On the outside she is super mom. Loves and adores her kids yet shoves them in a room and ignores them indoors. 

What is different in this scenario, then yours, is that she plays that game alone. My SO does not play along and instead willingly says here you go with skids. Go do it yourself. And that <<< is what is forcing her to a halt  Because when you have no support in your crazy it is much more transparent to others :) 

elkclan's picture

BM in my life is like this. For the kids, for the kids, blah blah blah. They find transitions coming from your house very upsetting. Blah, blah, blah.

She has them in every blinking activity under the sun and uses it to eat up my SO's parenting time and control where he spends it. (We don't live in the same area.)

The truth is, she's not bad at stuff like that and they get their homework done and they don't get tons of screen time, they don't have the latest gadgets and they have chores, etc etc. 

BUT - she's emotionally and verbally abusive and she hits them when she's angry. She's made them the focus of her life and if they have any sense of self they will run like hell from her the minute they get the chance. (Just like she did from her mother.)

Jcksjj's picture

Still sounds like a version of GUBM to me. She needs to be put in her place and your SO needs to learn to not worry if she tries to portray him badly because he doesnt do everything she demands "for the kids." 

I hate when BM sets up DH so that either he does what she says "for SD" or he looks like the bad guy. Sometimes I take the fall and be the bad guy for him because I dont care.

markwvualum's picture

You have a DH problem. Your husband needs better boundaries with his ex wife. She should not be controlling as much as she is regardless of wether or not she is BM.

Kimlennny's picture

No one can control you unless you allow them. This goes for ex wife’s. BUT Like so many others On here he suffers from Disney dad syndrome with no balls as I like to call it. Plus BM knows What buttons to push to really bring it out. 

iluvcheese's picture

They are her kids, if she wants to put them first whatever. I don’t think it’s healthy for children to feel they are number 1 all the time, but people get to raise their kids how they want. You’re right, she will have a hard time finding a man that’ll be okay with the kids forever first set up long term (we aren’t talking babies or toddlers here). 

I am assuming your guys on the same page as BM, because why else would he be going along with them being priority 1? His 1 time, missing out on 3 hours, is what’s telling me he feels the same way BM does about children being first. It’s that or he is scared of upsetting BM. Neither is good.

I’m not sure which I’d prefer. Kids that are placed first all the time, will be scary mental teens & self absorbed difficult adults. However, if he’s going along with this because of BM, that doesn’t say much about his ability to be an adult & parent how he sees fit.

He’s not being truthful to someone. Just as BM deserves to raise her kids as she desires, BD does too. If he isn’t into this method, he needs to speak up for his kids sakes. If he’s into this method, he needs to be open with you so you can accept the status quo or move on. Ask him how he really feels about it.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

He has to be at all the therapy appointments??? Both of my Skids are in therapy... I take them, THEY go back and talk to the therapist. The therapist only even talks to me if they hear something concerning. Other than that it's a they go back and I wait and then they come out and we leave sort of deal.

Rags's picture

What a nightmare.  As sad as it is, my SS's BioDad has had little to nothing to do with him for nearly his entire life.  For the 16+ years that our son was under a Custody/Visitation/Support order and visited his SpermClan 3x per year the BioDad would spend only a few hours with him during a visitation.  That is a few hours over a visitation that was as long as 5 weeks.

My Skid's BioDad is a POS so we would much rather that he not spend time with the kid if he was not willing to get and keep his shit together. But it is still sad.

The good news for you is that the Skids are teens and in a few years will age out from under the CO.  You and your DH will be free of this crap at some point.