I just don’t like my step daughter much...
SD. She's 17. And a sophomore in high school. She will probably be living with us FOREVER. She's as lazy as can be, but I'm told all teens are.... however, my 14 year old DD is plenty able and helpful.
I have tried to like SD. She's not a bad kid. My 9 year old son likes her and she's very nice to him. She's just not a pretty kid. Horrible posture. Horrible teeth (has braces and needed procedure after procedure to get teeth to descend at 15, and to get them straightened out - with lack of compliance on her end). She also gets gingivitis frequently Bc she doesn't brush well (she didn't know you had to brush the back ones TOO!) She lets her arm pit hairs and leg hairs grow out even though I buy her the best razors and encourage good hygiene. She was quite stinky, too, until I got her clinical deodorant. She had her period in the bed one night and stained the sheets - sleeping in them for 3 more nights until I mentioned it. Her IQ is lower. Probably in the 80s. However, I feel like she's more lazy than "slow". My DH said "let's get married. Things will be easier on you." Well, in some ways, yes. In the area of kids - I feel like I gained an Extra responsibility- more than my 2 kids put together- and they are younger. My DH doesn't always make excuses for her, but he tolerates more than I would in the area of laziness. She puts about 60 hrs on her phone a week. She has a learners permit but won't learn to drive. All of the financial responsibilities fall on us - and I'm the breadwinner. He also pays $470 in child support to BM. She's not much of a help in raising this kid. I was the one who noticed she had certain issues with her GI system. I noticed when she had anemia. I got her a math tutor. I finally got my DH and her Mom to see that SD couldn't write a paragraph or a paper, much less (that took 2 years of convincing)... and got her help for that. Of course DH or BM don't stay on top of the extra writing help. If I mention it I feel like a nag, so I shut up.
If I get her something special that I think she'd like - she doesn't use it (like the Apple Watch sitting on her night stand)....
I'm just exhausted by this kid. And I know I have it better than most.... but it's still my reality.
Honestly it sounds like her
Honestly it sounds like her parents have failed her horribly. It sounds like you have been over-functioning for both of them.
Yep.
Honestly, you are absolutely correct. And maybe (aside from her fugliness) this is where my resentment/ issues come from - well, most of it. I have that constant feeling of "why am I the only one who cares?" Her mom is as useless as they come (she's slow, too).... and I think my DH is worn out from doing the heavy lifting for all of SD life Bc BM was/ is clueless. Now, I'm taking over the role... my kids are much easier but they have their challenges that I have to deal with, as well. As long as they don't all bombard me at once, I guess I'll live.
It's ok not to like your
It's ok not to like your stepdaughter. Don't punish yourself over it. I don't like mine and that's just fine with DH. If he wanted likable kids maybe he should parent them?. I don't engage my SD at all and whatever lot in life their dad gives her, great! Not my business. It's not my job to do anything for her. I have my own kid to worry about. I am nice to mine but I don't like her at all and I don't do anything special for her. I would never buy her an Apple Watch. I'd rather buy one for my own kids who will actually appreciate it.
Yeah, I bought one for my kid
Yeah, I bought one for my kid who did appreciate it! This Christmas (I'm in charge of gifts) I didn't get her anything "big" or special like in years past. I'm over the lack of gratitude.
It sounds more like you
It sounds more like you dislike her lazy parents not caring as much as you about a kid that is not yours. They could be doing so much more for this girl. I understand your frustration.
Her laziness and hygiene I'm
Her laziness and hygiene I'm sure are frustrating.... but you are also dealing with somebody who is severely learning disabled...
I do have a family member who sounds very much like your SD. It can be very frustrating because from the outside they look perfectly able bodied. But essentially you are dealing with a child who is emotionally and mentally closer to 5, but is trapped in a body of a 17 year old.
Her laziness and hygiene may be more of an issue of her inability to learn the social norms of why that is important. I know It can be so frustrating!! Sometimes you just want to yell "what is wrong without you!?" But at the end of the day, how do you teach somebody who doesn't have the ability to learn? You may just need to keep on her all the time. That's all you can do.
don't stress out if she seems unappreciative of gifts you get her. She may be 17 but emotionally she is MUCH younger and does not place importance on material things the way most teenagers do. That can be a good thing! She's not always crying to daddy about needing the latest and greatest!
the driving thing.... she may be more self conscious then she is willing to admit.... be patient.
I agree with wicked stepmo. I don't think it's your SD You don't like... it's more her bio parents who seem so willing to dump their responsibilities on YOU!
This girl is lucky to have you. As frustrated as you get, you keep showing up for her. You buy her things just because you think it will make her happy, you push and advocate for her when she needs special help or care. You and your soon treat her with kindness. you say you don't like her, but your actions show you love her.
She maybe slow, but she sees you and your bios as somebody she is safe with.
Keep doing what you are doing.
Well, she is LD but not like
Well, she is LD but not like a 5 year old. She does have the ability to learn after repetition. So she's more moderately learning disabled. She does 7th grade pre algebra. Her writing is awful. I helped get her an app that reads the books to her so she can get through them faster and help with reading comprehension. Her teacher at the "LD" school told her not to do that. I have found evidence on the contrary- that it helps. My son is dyslexic, so I've researched everything to help him. Her $15,000/ year school is a sham. My mom is a teacher, so I have been around that mindset of helping students since I was a kid. I often ask her opinion/ for her help with all 3 kids. I buy her nice things if I'm getting them for my daughter since they are close in age - I don't want there to be favoritism blatantly displayed. She was sooo excited about the Apple Watch and now ... meh. She loooves her iPhone, of course and is obsessed/ addicted to it. I put Bark on the kids phones in November, and I can see if there is any bullying/ violence in the apps they use or messages. I guess she hates me Bc she had liked/ shared a bunch of "Stepmom" TikTok videos that make fun of step moms and Villainize them. One basically said karma is gonna get me. The other said I'm a nightmare dressed as a daydream (a song). Little brat. But do I retaliate? No. I can't wait to get her out of our house some day. I don't want her to become our burden- at least DH sees it the same way. We pay for everything for her. BM only has to do 30% and can't keep up with that much. I do get along with BM - but I do it for SD.... not Bc I like her.
You knew he was equally
You knew he was equally culpable in a failed family and bore notable responsibility as a failed man, failed husband, and failed father.
Yet you married him.
Why?
He remains committed to his parental failures and continues to perpetrate those failures on his prior relationship child and he fails to be your equity life partner.
Why.... is he even in the picture still.
Just wondering.
He’s not as horrible as he sounds...
He did most of the work with SD as she grew up. Background- she was born at 28 weeks gestation. She didn't walk until 3 years old. Delayed in all aspects. IQ about 80. She was their only child, so I think that when each of them had her during their custody time, they just did everything for her, and never changed their habits. She's not exactly a kid who wants to be independent.
Since we have all come together as a blended family (she was 13), he has had several 1:1 talks with her about taking initiative, being independent, acting her age, setting goals and doing SOMETHING to reach them. I come from a Type A family where you set goals early in life (I chose my profession at age 15). My mom was a nag LOL, but it worked out to benefit us. My DH on the other hand, came up with his life goals on his own, and a few years later than I did. He's more a Type B personality. He's a GUY. I think things just went over his head - left unnoticed until I pointed them out. He does make attempts to point her towards independence. Her mom has an IQ of 70-75. She has no clue how to parent SD other than being her friend and chauffeur. She's one of those people who raked in the bucks with the unemployment and COVID pay. I don't think she saved a dime.
DH has a good job. He helps with my kids. Takes them to sports practice and is there for every sporting event or highlight in their life. He does help to support the family. He usually is the breadwinner, but the job market has him making a bit below me now. I do have a higher degree. He wants to go back for a Master degree.
He's no loser. I know he takes a laidback approach to SD (but he has lectured her about school work and hygiene until she cries). We just have different approaches. He said she will either learn by direction - but he's not going to keep repeating himself- or she will fail as an adult and she will have to learn that way.
He also did all of the IEP
He also did all of the IEP work to get SD help at school. IMO he feels like he did all of that work to get her a state funded scholarship to go to a private school, and now he kicks his feet up thinking they will do the work (they have no homework and she gets A/Bs). However, he didn't know any better about the low level of work she was actually doing - I noticed (my mom is a teacher). It did take him forever to figure it out once he got a written sample of her work. He tore the school a new one in an email. But now he seems to be slacking again... same with the school. I got writing workbooks and he said he was going to have her do them. She did 15 pages last week, but I asked "what about this week??" But his reply was "I already told her - if she wants to have a chance at college, that's up to her to do the work without me telling her." True.