I feel like I don't have a voice
Hi everyone,
I am new here and am possibly posting in the wrong area but I am looking for your advise and your opinions on something that is really bothering me. I am in a relationship with a 47 year old man who has a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I have no bio children of my own, I never really wanted to be a mother, it wasn't something that I felt I had to have in life and more than likely had no idea of what I was getting myself into when I got together with this man. I love him deeply and want to spend my life with him but I find we are fighting more and more often and its always a fight about his daughter. We have been living together for 3.5 years now and at first his daughter was only with us every other weekend. I have never been asked on my opinion or what I thought about this, but it has now progressed to his daughter living with us 50% of the time, it doesn't really bother me having her with us that much of the time (she mostly holes herself up in her room, and spends upwards of 10 hours a day on social media).
What is starting to really bother me and I am starting to see it more and more often is that my opinion doesn't matter with regards to his daughter. I had mentioned the other day about how I want to restrict the amount of time SD spends on the internet by changing the password after about an hour, I don't see a need to be on the computer all day everyday, especially since there are so many things that can be done around the house (she isn't pushed into any chores and they seem to be left for me, as I am the woman in the home). My spouse told me he would check with the BM and see what they are doing over there in regards to the internet, then he will sit down with his daughter and see what makes her happy with regards to internet/computer time, this is why I feel I don't have a voice. I don't see why a 14 year old who skips school, sneaks out, drinks alcohol ALONE (because she is too busy on social media to leave the house) should get an opinion in how much internet time she gets when I am footing 1/2 the internet bill, yet my opinion doesn't count. This has been going on for quite some time, I am constantly told, I don't have children so I wouldn't understand. I feel I don't need to have children of my own to know when a child is becoming a spoiled brat who does whatever they want whenever they want and has no consequences. I feel like as she gets older this is just going to get worse for me, as I believe that my CL spouse is parenting out of guilt and has told me in the past that he will not discipline his daughter because he doesn't want to upset her and have her not want to come and stay with us.
I feel better just writing this down and getting it off my chest but I was wondering if anyone else has been through something similar or if anyone has any advise. I said to my CL spouse yesterday "I will never have a voice in regards to my SD, will I?" He just looked at me and walked away, and thats when I started to cry.
I think most of us are here
I think most of us are here because of issues like this.
Remember--he is the parent. If he asks for your opinion, give it, unless you have learned it's best to keep it to yourself. When there is behavior that directly affects you, you ask him to step in and take care of it. Otherwise, take a step back and let him parent his child.
As far as the internet goes, are you charged by the amount of usage? Meaning, if the child is on the internet 10 hours a day, does that make your bill increase? If so, then I would guess you have a right to speak up about how much is being used, or you could ask the bill to be divided differently (thirds or you pay 1/2 of the normal charges, he pays 1/2 plus overages). Otherwise, lump that in with all the other parenting stuff that HE can deal with or not. As others ask on a wide variety of things: is this your hill to die on? I can't imagine that it would be.
What a helpful post! I need
What a helpful post! I need to disengage more. This is nothing like I thought it would be. I'm new here as well. The child is nice one minute and a disrespectful brat the next. Yes, her dad disciplines her (obviously 9 years too late) and sticks up for me, then she says sorry and repeat. This goes on EVERY TIME she comes, so she's not correcting her behavior. She's 10 and refuses to clean her disgusting room (and I mean hoarder level) or lift a finger to do anything. I don't have that biological bond to fall back on and her dad doesn't understand it's different for me. I feel isolated and have no one to talk to about this. To top it off, they speak in a foreign language I don't understand OFTEN. It's like they're in their own little world. I've told him how much this bugs me..it continues
he says it's to keep the
he says it's to keep the language, but she can do that with her mom who also speaks it constantly. they do it all the time even though I flat out say..SPEAK ENGLISH
Agreed - they are just being
Agreed - they are just being rude. I speak three languages, and if someone is in the room/group who doesn't understand one language, I switch to another. I can understand people speaking their 'own' language to each other in a private conversation, but if YOUR situation was a private conversation, they'd hold it out of your hearing as well.
Let me tell you what I
Let me tell you what I learned about 10 year olds cleaning their room. Unless they have been walked through it, they don't know how to do it. Especially when you say "hoarder level," there is a psychological component involved. My daughter12 frustrated me for YEARS and finally I spent an entire Saturday helping her and she almost had a nervous breakdown because it was psychologically difficult. But that was about 3 weeks ago, and her room is STILL looking great. Previously, when I made her "clean" it, it was a wreck again in a matter of hours. Dad needs to take the time to help her with it. Nagging won't do it. They really just don't have the capacity to do it the way it needs to be done, especially if it means letting go of "treasures" that they may not want to part with. And if he spends the time with her, she will be more likely to appreciate it, remember it, and keep it neat.
I can not tell you how many
I can not tell you how many times I have offered to help her and her dad does it very often. The only time her room has EVER been clean is when her Dad pretty much does ALL the work. I asked her to donate things she no longer wants to kids less fortunate. She doesn't want to do that unless she makes money off it. Believe me, I've tried
I totally agree with
I totally agree with Wickedsm123. It's not your problem and stay out of it. And check with your state at what age it's ok to leave them alone at home because I'm sure as hell will not babysit that brat for anyone..
Enjoy your life and let her parents do their job. If something comes up just throw it back to them...I'm not her parents and she knows how to call you guys. }:)
Best of luck.
A.
" drinks alcohol ALONE
" drinks alcohol ALONE (because she is too busy on social media to leave the house) "
I'd say drinking alcohol in the home at age 14 affects the OP. Not something I'd disengage from. Internet, disengage. Booze in my home, not happening.
You are way ahead of the game
You are way ahead of the game to realize this already: "I feel like as she gets older this is just going to get worse for me, as I believe that my CL spouse is parenting out of guilt and has told me in the past that he will not discipline his daughter because he doesn't want to upset her and have her not want to come and stay with us." Here is another good source of information on the myths of step-parenting: http://www.writtenvoices.com/article_display.php?article_id=872
Well, if she's using up your
Well, if she's using up your internet bandwidth and as a result YOU can't surf as fast, then I'd stop paying for the internet service, since you're not getting it.
But really - I'd look carefully at my boundaries. The extent to which this kid actually interferes with your happy life should be small. Her being holed up in her room means she's not annoying you. Her messing up her future, although sad, isn't YOUR problem.
What I suspect is going on is that you are seeing your partner through new eyes. You're seeing his kid going down a wrong path, and you're giving him suggestions to help her. Instead of helping her or thanking you, he turns on you and lets her go further down the wrong path.
I'm sure it's disillusioning. But don't blame your step-kid. It's your DH you're disappointed in.
I get what you're saying, but
I get what you're saying, but I could also see that she could choose to NOT be affected by those things either.
I mean, her DH/SO won't have a dime to retire with, nor time to spend with her if he's busy raising his grandchild or paying for rehab... but that's her relationship with her DH and not her relationship with the kid.
I just think so many people get themselves into a tizzy about things they can't control. Sure, the outcome has an effect on them. So if they see that the people who ARE in control are not creating a positive outcome, they are putting themselves into a victim role. And that doesn't look good on anyone.
I vote "go fish".... This is
I vote "go fish".... This is my life and SD16 or SO aren't changing....years wasted and I mostly sit in silence by myself...SD is fulltime as well, no BM visitation. Or maybe I'm just bitter. LOL.
The girl needs some
The girl needs some responsibility in your home, it isn't a freaking hotel. It's unfair for you to have to do everything when she is an able bodied young lady. She needs to be responsible for something, like mowing the lawn, doing HER laundry, dishes...etc. I would be adamant that she is pulling her share and that DH is making sure she does it.
This is really an issue with DH not wanting to parent or upset his widdle helpless baby. I would take away the wireless router until DH is on board. After she does her chores then if she wants to be online all day, yay. Go ahead.