I’m near my end help
I have three Children with ex 21,21 and 23. I have 2 step kids 20 and 18. My wife and myself have non together. My ss has been a major problem. He's been in trouble numerous times and arrested. Went to school got thrown out now he's going to a different one. Whenever he is home he will not follow the rules. He's not welcome at his fathers either. He broke into his fathers house also. I've reached my breaking point where he's not allowed to live at my home. My wife is very upset by this of course and things I'm controlling her. I don't feel safe with him at the house. There has been no disciple or consequences for him ever. He has an aunt he can live with if he chooses. Another major issue is my 23 autistic son. He comes over every other weekend. My wife is very concerned about his future. I have a feeling if something happened to his mom she wouldn't be accepting of living with me full time. I don't trust her. My son will come first and I will do what's best for him in the future. Either a group home or he will stay with me as long as I can take care of him. Then transfer to a group home or a sibling. My marriage is close to ending. I can't take the stress any longer.
That sounds really really tough
Have you tried some kind of counseling for yourself and your wife?
I dont have any experience with autistic children, but I hear from others that it can take a toll on even the healthiest of relationships.
Added to that your SS who sounds like he is headed to prison.
Im just sad to hear you are going through this.
Perhaps its time to first get to some therapy, then get to a lawyer and get the proverbial ducks in a row to see what is ahead should you need to go in that direction.
Stay strong!
Yes we started the couseling
Yes we started the couseling but can't seem to get anywhere. I thought about just giving in like the last few times but I can't live like this anymore.
There is an informal saying
There is an informal saying between couples counsellors that their job is to help people have a good marriage or a good divorce. There is also a saying that most times couples come to therapy it's already too late. But I hope that the last part is a bit outdated and that people are less shy about seeking help in the last decade or so.
It was blessedly too late for
It was blessedly too late for my XW and I when I found a therapist and we started weekly sessions. It helped, decompressed some of the angst. We even had a few experiences of affection and connection. Nothing intimate, just not tense.
I think that part of why couples who engage in counseling still divorce is that the therapists do not often deliver what their clients are looking to accomplish or really know how to deliver. Effective therapy can be a great thing. Ineffective therapy can be very damaging. Fortunately I found a wonderful therapist when XW and I were going through our couples tharapy. When XW walked out of our final couples session I kept attending weekly sessions with the Doc. She had worked with us for 6mos as a couple including multiple individual sessions and a few sessions between the Doc, my XW, and her family and the Doc, me, and my family.
She was fully aware of the marriage, of me, and of DW's issues. I think that gave her an understanding that allowed her to help me when we progressed to individual sessions. She never said a thing about my XW in our individual sessions. By that phase it was about helping me. We worked well and effectively together.
My XW, was not interested in fixing anything. Not the marriage, and not herself.
IMHO of course.
I don't feel safe with him at
THAT should be all you need to say. That is concerning. When someone doesn't feel safe around someone else, that needs to be respected. And you definitely need to trust your gut.
If therapy isn't helping, would you consider a different therapist?
As for your son with autism, it sounds like you are envisioning a worst case scenario. Is your wife concerned about his future in a "nice" concerned way or in an "I don't want him around" way? How in-depth (or not) have you discussed this with her? You say you have a feeling about her--have you spoken with her about this? Has the trust issue been long term or is this more recent?
It seems like the priority right now is keeping dysfunctional SS out of your house. Sometimes we have that one current hill to die on. Sorry that things are so difficult for you right now.
Damn. It sounds like you both
Damn. It sounds like you both have difficult issues. I don't blame you for not wanting a criminal adult you can't trust living with you. It sounds like maybe your wife is transferring her feelings about how you won't live with her kid (understandably) onto your kid, or maybe you are afraid she will do the same, whether it's true or not. Idk if your son has behavior issues that make him hard to live with or not. However, it does make sense to plan for the future which includes your son outliving his parents. Because he should outlive you. These are 2 separate issues but have become blended together. Keep at the therapy, maybe try a different therapist if this one isn't working. Sometimes a certain therapist sucks, or is good, but not for your particular issue. Dealing with other people's kids is very difficult for everyone. Nobody wants to deal with behavior issues of kids that aren't theirs. It's just the natural order of things. It doesn't mean you or your wife are bad people. But, hopefully you can work through these issues to where neither of you has to suffer needlessly.
This marriage is on borrowed
This marriage is on borrowed time.
Because of both of you.
Regarding the SS-18 criminal. Initiate an RO/PO and keep him away from you and your home. This is not controlling, it is intelligently mitigating the risk that he is to you, your home and even your marriage. Even if his mommy is emotionally blind to that risk. Good riddance to that shit spawn being gone and not coming back.
Regarding your special needs adult son. I agree with your wife. Though the situations are very different, the solution is IMHO that your son does not return to live in your marital home, while visiting should be fully on the table. Unlike your POS criminal SS-18 who should not ever darken your doorstep. Mommy and you can see him in safe public spaces. Not in your home.
Your own special needs son needs to have as independent a life as possible. Look for group home options for him, get him on the lists ASAP. Hopefully his mother/your X has her head in a space where she can recognize that this young man needs as full a life as possible that is not totally mommy centric. He deserves more than his life being tied to the hips of his mother or his father. When I owned my own company, I employed several special needs adults who lived in group homes. They were happy, engaging, and dependable. They had close friendships with their housemates and lived active lives with rich experiences.
As a SParent, I get not wanting my entire life and relationship to be kid centric. More so when you as a SParent face having a criminally toxic Skidult to deal with, and your DW as a SParent potentially faces a future of having a special needs SKidult all of the time.
I think that you and DW have an opportunity to partner, address the future for your marriage, and be present for both young men who need your guidance and your loving support. If you both insist on your son's coming before the marriage and each other, this marriage is doomed. Kids are not the priority. Ever. Regardless of how troubled or special needs they may be. Minor children are the top marital responsibility, they are not the priority. Adult children are neither a priority nor a responsibility. Your special needs young adult son requires some different considerations but prioritizing him over your marriage and your wife can't happen. IMHO.
If you both stand on this platform of distrust and conflict, prioritizing these young men over each other as partners and prioritizing them over your marriage, don't waste your time remaining in this marriage. That applies to both of you.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.
100% agreed with Rags re. your birth son.
To be brutally honest, nobody dreams of having an autistic child because they come with their own set of behavioural issues. By definition, autistic means "self-focused". While it's not their fault, it makes life for those around them very difficult, and usually only the biological bond can mediate this.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a partner who accepts you with your visiting autistic child, consider yourself extremely lucky. If you choose to move in your adult autistic son into a home with a partner that does not have a biological bond with him, very soon it will be just you and your son. And no other woman will go on a second date with you when she learns about your living arrangements.
Do you really want to sacrifice your (and your son's) life, when he could be sharing home with a few other young people, doing fun things together, going on outings, supported by staff that don't get as emotionally affected by their disabilities like families living with them 24/7 do?
About you autistic son...
I am very, VERY pro group homes! I have a daughliving in one (she has Down Syndrome) and is living a far better life than she could with us. She is active, busy, and has lots of friends.
Frankly, I'd advise you to start looking for a place right now to be sure to find one that is a good fit for him. The sooner you find one that you, he, and his mother agree on, put him on the waiting list. The younger he is when he moves in, the easier it will be for him. And he'll still be able to visit you every other weekend... just don't be surprised if he doesn't visit so often.
Please don't wait until you HAVE to find him a home and he finds himself stuck in strange place where he knows nobody at the age of 40+.
You went into marrage and move in together
With out discussion on basic things. Like number one your autistic son.? What his future, he's going to sometype of group home eventually. He's going to out live you. SS 18 wants to be bad. He 18 an adult older enough to "be bad "old enough to live by himself. Or you will have GF moving in too. With her kids. No one should feel unsafe in there own home. If your SO never parent her kid she is not going to start now.. exit plan.