Husband said i should love both kids the same. Should I? Do yall?
I have one adult child and my husband has no bio children. Last year, my sister in law got a divorce and started drugs again and man swapping. Lost her home and moved in with a boyfriend. Her son went to live with another sister in law but was soon booted out for bad behavior. Nephew has lived with us now for over a year. His behavior is better thathan before (stealing money, phones, and whatever else he wanted from us, smoking pot and attempting to grow some in our backyard, lying etc..) but he is not trusted and is never left home alone and I can't even go to the mailbox without locking our bedroom doors and making sure to never leave anything "tempting" laying around. I feel very put upon and do not feel the same responsibility to this boy as I did my own child. My husband ridicules me when I express these thoughts and feelings and says I should love both children equally. I feel that is ridiculous and maybe he thinks that because he has no children of his own.
Any thoughts?
Your husband is nuts. Of
Your husband is nuts. Of course you love your own child more than your nephew that you don't even trust! Ridiculous.
I don't love my stepson and I don't have any other kids to compete with him. I don't have the biological bond with him that my DH does. DH can love him unconditionally, I don't even like him much of the time.
My thought is he is outta his
My thought is he is outta his damn mind. You are right.
Your husband is ridiculous.
Your husband is ridiculous. Nothing more need be said.
I moved in with my aunt and
I moved in with my aunt and uncle after my mom passed, and I was a bit of a monster. I just lost a parent, I was confused, and I was going through an already tumultuous teenage phase (I was 13). My uncle took me in out of obligation to my mother, but they did not have any kids of their own, and I wasn't always nice to my aunt. With that being said, I have an outstanding relationship with my aunt now, but I don't believe you are obligated to love anyone.
My FDH thinks that family is family and you should love and accept them no matter what. I however choose who I want in my life, blood relative or not. I have aunts and cousins I don't talk to, I have a sister I didn't see for 6 years, toxic people are toxic people, just because they are family doesn't mean you have to love or accept them as they are.
I try to point out to my FDH that he doesn't have expectations for me to love his mother, but he thinks she's crazy also, so he doesn't push the issue. His kid however, he views as sweet, innocent, and "just a kid" despite her manipulativeness, her piss poor attitude, and her all around laziness and lack of independence. I think they view things differently when they're kids. Hopefully he consulted you first before he took in this little troublemaker. Caring and helping someone is not the same as loving someone, and you cannot force or expect someone to love anyone, doesn't matter who they are. In fact, these expectations just breed resentment.
Thank you for the responses.
Thank you for the responses. I am willing to continue this arrangement as long as nephew is showing progress . he has been in special education all his life because of misbehaving at school and I guess pretending it was because he was slow or couldn't learn or sheer laziness in not completing any work. Since living with us of course he has passed all classes and had nearly perfect attendance with very few (and only minor) discipline issues at school. Obviously, I can not trust him in the house as I spent nearly a solid year during room raids removing items of our and also contraband items I cannot always source. But lately room raids have come up clean and I can't tell if he has just gotten better at hiding or if he is being reformed . it is very nice to hear such enthusiastic echoes of my own feelings on this forum. My biggest feeling is guilt. I would love for nephew to go away and continue to behave without our constant attention and direction and threats but I know that will not happen and it keeps me from disengaging. Unfortunately, I know if we boot him he will be on drugs and in jail with no hope of a future. So my guilty conscience keeps me from saying "me or him" although sometimes I think I will save some money on the side and plan an exit strategy just in case. It is like a prison sentence, looking at these next four years till he's gone
That sounds really tough. It
That sounds really tough. It's hard enough when it's your husband's child that you have to deal with, but a nephew? Yikes. He really should be more supportive of your feelings and not expect you to parent said nephew, rather than telling you that you should love him as your own. Maybe someday you will, but right now, it's a burden and not one you planned for. My DH has always been good about not expecting me to parent his son, and if he dismissed my feelings with a "you should love him as your own," I don't know if I'd still be here.
Why isnt this teen in a
Why isnt this teen in a therapeutic environment for troubled teens. He is on the road to a very difficult life ahead. Stealing, growing Pot in your yard? You make it sound like he is running a lemonade stand.
Nephew is a higher than most risk because of his Mother of the year. Where is bio dad ? Does bio dad pay support
The kid needs a chance and getting him into the proper environment is key.
Sorry I didnt answer your question...my concern is the kid. But here,,,toss this one at or DH..."do you love the kid down the street EQUALLY to your nephew"
Wait for him to say NO
Ask him WHY?
You know you can share DNA
You know you can share DNA with a pile of sh*t. But it's still a pile of sh*t.
You shouldn't love anybody
You shouldn't love anybody the way you love your biokids. We are designed to love them unconditionally for a reason. You grew your child inside you for 9 months and went through labour and delivery. I love my BS11months in an earth-shattering, incredible way that I couldn't love ANYONE else in the world. If anyone said I was "wrong" for not loving SD that way, I'd tell them off because I personally think something would be wrong with me/my connection to BS if I loved other kids the same.
For me - I make a distinction
For me - I make a distinction between 'love' the feeling and connection and 'love' the act. My bioson 11 asked me once if I still loved him MORE than my SSs. I said of course I did, but I felt a huge success in a way that he even asked that question. It meant I had succeeded with love as a verb.
Where I am very careful is how I feel and act between the two SSs - one is having a harder time with loyalty to his mom - he's not rude or disrespectful (any more than my BS is...he has his moments of course) and my partner's previous gf very clearly favourited his brother. I try to treat them the same. (In fact, I owe him a treat as I treated his brother recently!)
nope
You haven't had the opportunity to bond with this kid yet like you have your own child. Your husband is way off base.
The bio dad has been
The bio dad has been incarcerated for the boys entire life and a parade of "boyfriends" have served as step dad. To the commentor who mentioned a lemonade stand: in the beginning I was clueless. I knew he had some behavior problems but I mostly blamed that on his environment. I had no idea the extent of his behavior. At 14 I was shocked when the first room raid yielded several bongs,, one of which was so big I had no idea how he had gotten it in the house! On one occasion, my husband who is a light sleeper woke in the middle of the night to find nephew outside near the road. Husband told nephew get inside are you crazy what are you doing out here in the middle of the night?? Later while creeping through his phone, we learned he had stolen several rolls of quarters ffrom a large change jug in my daughters room and had left them in our mailbox for his pot dealer when husband made him go back inside. So yeah, he was totally out of control and I was naive but now I watch him like a hawk and it is physically and mentally draining. I wish his mother would come get him and get herself together but I am afraid that will never happen. I'm sure she is happy to let us deal with him. Also, husband feels like a hero since nephew has made such progress. And by progress I mean passing classes and basically babysat 24/7 so he can't access bad friends or drugs
Praise for Basic Sh*t
My DH does the same thing with SS18. It's gross, but I just stay out of it now.
Helps that SS18 got himself kicked out because it's not in my face anymore. I too had a 5-year countdown and I also had to stay strong in requiring DH keep his word (that he'd kick SS out if SS didn't get licence, drivers insurance, and enrolled in CC 12+ units) and not folding at the "SS needs more time!" arguement.
I am glad none of you claim
I am glad none of you claim to love your steps the same as your own. I had a feeling that was a nearly impossible idea. I don't want to be cruel and tell husband's he has no idea of a bio bond but that's what I think. He has no idea
Most of us here do not love
Most of us here do not love our stepkids. There are good stepfamilies - my sister has an adult stepdaughter that she loves dearly and gets along with great. Her SD is a normal functioning grown-up who is good to her, her DH and to their shared daughter. Most of us deal with crazy BM's and messed up stepkids. I can't imagine how you would love this interloper in your home - maybe feel compassion for him, but love him? No. I'd resent the hell out of him, most likely.
While parents tend to love
While parents tend to love their children to the fullest, even in intact initial families they do not love their children equally. Children are different, and over time so are parents. As parents grow and mature as adults and as parents their experiences change how they love their children. Different children need parenting and need to be loved differently. So, the love that parents have for elder children will be different than the love they have for younger children.
Any claim to the contrary is naive at best and self delusional at worst.
My parents and I are very, very close. I am the eldest by 6 years. Mom and dad married at 17 & 19 and had me at 19 & 21. In many ways they were growing up as they were raising me. My surviving brother was born when I was 6yo. At 48 he is the baby. They bend over backwards for he and his family because the time that my parents have with them is far more rare than the time they have with me and my family.
When I was in my mid to late teens it used to drive me insane how much my little brother got away with regarding talking back, argueing, etc... He did things that would have gotten me killed. In our final discussion on that topic my dad made the closing comment. "Your brother owes you a lifetime debt of gratitude for training your mom and I how to be parents."
It isn't good, it isn't bad, it is just different. And it should be.
Your DH is naive at best, and worst is self delusional capped with being an ass on this topic.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
You're a saint! That being
You're a saint! That being said your husband is a thoughtless turd. He should be grateful that you allowed this wild child into your home at all. Stop confiding in DH about your feeling towards nephew, he's just not going to get it. Come here and let it all out.
I think that kids in the same
I think that kids in the same home should receive what I might call equitable treatment and kindness.. but that doesn't mean love necessarily. You may care about the nephew.. but he isn't your son. Now, equitable treatment also factors in the child's behaviors. a child who causes a lack of trust has perhaps fewer freedoms.
Maybe your DH meant you should treat him differently... you can't dictate a person's feelings.
Thanks again for the
Thanks again for the encouragement. Nephew plays HS baseball now after playing all summer on a community team, we vacation regularly with some weekend trips in between real holidays and of course have had to furnish a complete wardrobe with lots of everything since he came with nothing. I do feel like I treat him ki fly and also feel like I bend over backwards to give him things and opportunities he's never had before. I am a little resentful because I thought we would be vacationing just the two of us at this point, enjoying having our house to ourselves and basically living unburdened by kids. Those feelings are what brought me here and I'm so glad I found this group. I have gotten some good advise I will try to implement.