I'm so sorry for your situation. While we don't have kids together either, our kids are grown. It's still an issue. I know exactly what you mean about the stress taking over your body. I would say definitely talk to him about what you're feeling. Stick to that - how it makes you feel. Very difficult, I think, to separate this issue from your relationship since it's such a huge amount of your time together. I think you have some hard choices to make. Do you want to stay in this relationship? Remember, the kids didn't make the choice to be in the situation they're in. And that goes for both his kids and your kids. Adults make choices and they have to live with the consequences. If you truly can't tolerate it and make it work then it might be best for you to step back and y'all not live together while the kids are young. You can still be in the relationship but make it work for you and for your kids. You need to do the best you can by them so that you raise children who can be good, productive members of society! I've been married three years and I wish I had paid more attention to how DH is with SD and her family. They're first in his life. You're not married so technically you're not their step mom. It may not be fair but you love him and he's a package deal, warts and all. You're correct - no one says how hard it will be and even if they did, human nature wants to believe you can overcome it. Well, sometimes you can't. I feel for you.

Maybe extreme but you are clearly in love with this guy and that is really great. I would say save your great relationship and move out- see him when you can without the presence of any kids. Maybe if you can keep this up for a while you can come to terms with having the SS around. Otherwise, I think the tension will build and something will crack-and I really hope that won't be the case.

Its really, vitally important to remember its not you and your situation vs him and his situation. Its the two of you together. Supporting each other, leaning on it each other. Its a give and take. But its not always 50/50 with that give and take. And that exchange almost never looks the same on a day to day basis. I don't believe in prioritizing people in your life, I do believe that the top most important spot on your list of priorities is fluid and ever changing. Oil the squeeky wheel.

You're going to disagree. You're going to feel differently about certain things and that's okay. But as long as you remember that we don't fight to be right, we fight to feel understood and focus on understanding one another more than being right-youll have it in the bag. This isn't easy to do, but when that tension is there you need to remind yourself that you love this person and they love you. Everything in your life starts and ends there. The kids are going to grow and leave, careers end too, at the end of the day if this is the person who could potentially fill your forever ride or di position, then that is who is going to be there when you're old and grey. That person, isn't going to out grow you and you wont out grow them if you've chosen right.

SO and I don't fight often but when we do its usually 5 minutes of arguing, he takes off and after the kids are in bed we talk about it not because neither of us wants then other to feel that way. If the kids aren't around its usually i yell, he yells back and then he hugs me and we talk about it then.
Because even if nothing else in our world is easy, THIS needs to be solid, always.

The issues you are describing sound more like if they are related to the fact that you guys have 6 kids to watch between the two of you as opposed to a step family issue. Yes, im sure its great to have grownup time when both sets of kids are visiting their other parents, but in an intact family you guys would have 0 time for each other because the kids would be running around fighting/destroying the house/not listening and doing other KID things 24/7. This way at least you guys get a week off every so often.

So, how do couples with 6 children find/make time for each other when all kids are there all the time?

I don't have children, and my DH has a 4 year old. And the court order basically resulted in having the child 3 weekends a month, all holidays, and the whole summer. (We both work late during the week, so any free time that DH and I may have to spend with each other or go out or date or do couple things is being eaten by the child.) And for a while I was super frustrated with the situation. Yes, I would cry when the weekends came, or refuse to leave my room for 2 days, or have a panic attack trying to think of a place I could hide until it was over. The kid would finally go to BM for one weekend and it would be fantastic, DH and I would have a wonderful time and really connect, and then I'd have to endure three consecutive weekends or even more of basically being ignored by DH due to his child juggling while the kid wakes us up at 6am on our only days to sleep in and then running around the house whining and being 4 and demanding constant attention and it would suck. So I understand your pain. So how did we manage this?

We laid down a few house rules to save our sanity, (or my sanity) with consequences for deviations.

1)When daddy and SM are sleeping, you do not go into their rooms. There is a banana on the counter if you're hungry. There is a container of juice in the fridge here where you can reach it. This is how the TV remote works. This is how you dress yourself. This is what you are allowed to do, this is what you are not allowed to do. DO NOT WAKE daddy and SM unless something is wrong.

2) Children go to bed at 7:30pm. Children do not need to sleep at 7:30pm, but they are not permitted to leave their rooms after 7:30pm because this is grownup time and it is for the grownups. Here are some books, here is a tablet and an episode of kids tv to watch, if you leave your room you are going straight to sleep. You will go to sleep at a reasonable time. If you do not go to sleep at a reasonable time you will go to sleep at 7:30 until you learn to do so.

3)Children do not interrupt grownups when the grownups are talking. Children say excuse me and then WAIT.

4) Children do not get to choose what gets watched on the main tv in the living room without grownups permission. If they want something other than what the grownups want and they haven't used up their screen time for the day, it will be set up for them on their tablet. Noise will be kept to a reasonable level at all times.

5)Children do not get to choose what meals they eat. There will be no special orders in this house. The grownups decide what we are eating, and the children can eat it or they can be hungry, its up to them.

6)Everyone is responsible for cleaning up their own messes, and communal messes like dishes and bathrooms will be shared by all.

These things made a HUGE difference, because now we have all weekend evenings to ourselves pretty much, and the amount of interruptions and hounding we deal with during the day have been significantly decreased.

We also took it a step farther and made the childs weekends be a good thing for everyone. Weekends now include at least 1 fun family activity day so the child doesn't get bored and we don't get bored. If we can afford it, we all go rollerskating together. Or ice skating together. Or to the movies. Or to the arcade. We were able to buy annual passes to an amusement park two hours away for a reasonable price, so on many weekends we leave early sat morning, take a cheap motel for one night, and return sunday night and spend the weekend at the amusement park with SS. We go to different fast food restaurants to release SS in the playplace and let him work off his energy while we peacefully have dinner together in the other room.
And if we cant afford it? We go hiking and bring a picnic. We walk along the beach if its too cold to swim. we ride bikes together. We visit the public library and hang out in used bookstores. We visit local historical sites (many of which are free or very cheap) and we visit local state parks or even bring a tent and camp for the night. (Which is also great way to visit non local free historical sites)We volunteer together and do community service. We have a barbecue in the backyard. We visit friends and give SS a change of scenery, let him run back and forth around their house for a while. We sneak into the Y or use a guest pass or a free tour pass and use the pool. Yes, now I actually look forward to SS's visits because it means I get to do something fun with my family. No spending the weekend drinking cup after cup of coffee while playing some stupid game on my phone while my back cramps up wondering if I'm wasting my life. I'll be at the beach or exploring somewhere. This is a rule, we are not allowed to just sit there.

Do you know what we will NOT do? Under no circumstances will we spend every weekend watching SS bounce off the walls complaining he's bored. We do not stay home for days on end. This method keeps everyone happy.

And you can do what normal families do too- hire a babysitter. Or beg a relative, or trade childcare with someone who also has kids they need watched every so often. Everyone needs a break.