How to get over the hate
I feel like the hate I have for bm2 is starting to take over my life a bit. I hate that she exists and that my stupid dh was stupid enough to get her pregnant after 4 months of dating. I hate that bm2 broke up with him when she was still pregnant and that she did everything in her power to prevent my dh from being involved in his daughters life. I hate that there is a half sibling out there belonging to my ds and that we will probably have to deal with this in the future. I hate every month that my dh has to send her money. It's beginning to spill over and make me hate my husband too. I get so angry about it all. You would think if I hated anybody it would be bm1 who I actually have to deal with and see and deal with her son every week but it's not. It's bm2 that I just can't stand and don't know how my dh ever was with such an awful human being. The thing is my dh does not dwell on things in his past but I am dwelling and it is affecting me greatly. How do I stop??
He doesn't dwell on the past
He doesn't dwell on the past because he can't change it. Neither can you.
A court is making him pay for a child that the mom wants him to have nothing to do with. The longer he has no contact with the child the less attachment he is gong to feel. Of course he isn't going to have the same attachment to a child that he is raising everyday vs one that he can't see due to the mother. So in the future the child may be angry, and I would be honest and tell the kid it is due to the momma.
You don't deal with BM2 so consider yourself lucky. He doesn't sound like he deals with her except for a wallet.
Eta: Men are often fine in a relationship even with someone they dont really care for as long as they are getting sex. Women are the ones who need to actually care for someone before they decide to have sex. So chances are he really wasn't thinking of the consequences, unfortunately. He unfortunately has to live with them now.
You have summed it up
You have summed it up perfectly. My dh never went to any scans and has only seen the child a hand few of times so he has no connection which I can't understand (and hope I never have to!). He was purely a sperm donor and cash cow and the only time we hear from her are emails every now and again looking for money. I just hate that my dh had to be the one who was stupid to knock her up. Ah it drives me mad. Bad enough with bm1 and ss but I think I could handle it so much more if it was just them. Bm2 and sd just feel like a dirty secret swept under the carpet, I hate it.
In reality, it doesn't sound
In reality, it doesn't sound like he was looking to get her pregnant, and it really doesn't sound like she planned the pregnancy, as she broke up with him while pregnant. At that time they were both single people who had a sexual relationship and got pregnant. He can't change that.
After you and he are done having kids, I would strongly encourage him to get a vasectomy. I asked my first husband to get one, because I knew if we divorced he would be irresponsible. If he wanted more he could get it reversed when remarried, and he did. He is
I asked my second husband to do the same, and he did. I am lucky he didn't end up with at least one oops after BM and before me. I didn't bother because at my age it would be a miracle, but he is the gift who could keep on giving.
Yep he def didn't plan on a
Yep he def didn't plan on a baby with her. Her pill "failed".... Yeah right. He has suggested that her pregnancy brought about an underlying mental issue because she really hated him. I don't know. He will be getting the snip after 1-2 more babies, that is for sure!
No not any more jasper. I was
No not any more jasper. I was first hand until I saw her nastiness at work. Nasty nasty texts and emails. She has on average asked my dh to become involved once a year. He says yes and then she revokes the offer. He doesn't fight it because unmarried fathers have little rights. He gives her extra cs each month too to avoid her bringing him back to court for an increase. He literally wants nothing to do with her or see her, she is just an outgoing payment each month so why does it affect me so much???
She's actually moved country
She's actually moved country long ago so with our finances wouldn't be possible. He is such a good father to ss (has him EVERY weekend - fought bm1 for that so I know it is bm2 and how she pushed him out. I have seen all of the emails from before we were together and after and they are unbelievably horrible. But yes I do find it hard to understand st times because I know he would fight me for visitation to ds (not that this would ever happen but you know what I mean). It's such a fucked up situation.
But he could have seen her
But he could have seen her for years when they lived in our city. I know he did try but it always failed. He has not seen her for 4 years now. It kills me to think of my son having to deal with a long lost sister in the future, I just hate all of dh baggage. I have had it hard - like bm1 being pregnant at the same time as me, delivering her baby 3 days after me and us actually being in the same room for half of a day before I was discharged. So I have had it as bad as it gets but I still don't have half of the negative feelings towards her than towards a woman I've never met and most likely never will - what the f??
There's a poster here in
There's a poster here in America who sends her girls to another country each summer to visit their father. Being in a different country is no excuse for making the choice not to see your child.
Jasper- some women will stop
Jasper- some women will stop at nothing to keep a father out.
I have seen on here where some BMs will move far away, file false accusations, or worse. It destroys the child and the father, and legally there is nothing they can do.
You stop. I don't hate
You stop. I don't hate anyone. I detest and despise the Sperm Clan beyond measure. I don't hate them but I regularly hope for a meteor strike on a Sperm Clan family reunion.
I don't hate them because they make me laugh and shake my head at the pathetic antics of their shallow and polluted gene pool.
Fortunately he avoided most of the slime elements of that half of his gene pool.
Don't hate her. Relish in her high level of pathetic.
I just want to stop feeling
I just want to stop feeling angry at my dh about it ...!!!!
Could it be that the person
Could it be that the person you are REALLY angry at is ... yourself? And the subliminal way you are dealing with it is to transfer that anger to DH and BM2?
Maybe you are angry at yourself for willingly getting into a relationship with a man who has a past with TWO women w/children by him. Perhaps it's finally sunk it for you that those women and kids will be a part of YOUR future - even if it is only financial in the one case. You have no control over this situation even though it's affecting YOU. No wonder you are feeling what you are feeling.
Sometimes we can be very good at overlooking certain aspects of relationships because we are hopeful that we can surmount them or deal with them emotionally. When reality sets in, then other feelings can eventually surface.
Yes, I think this could be
Yes, I think this could be true. I met dh when I had just turned 26 and was a little lost in the world. I didn't realise until much later how much him having two children would affect me. But he is a good provider for our family too so we don't suffer for it, it's just me emotionally it affects.
I bet it's the anxiety of
I bet it's the anxiety of living with the unknown that is manifesting as anger. DH a child out there who at any time could come into your lives, along with a terrible BM. It's like always having a sword dangling over your head and always having to wonder when it is going to fall. Maybe if you plan for it as an eventuality you will feel like you have some control over the uncertainty. Come up with a few of the most likely scenarios of how things might go down and develop a plan on how you would deal with it. What if BM moved back closer to you? What if BM offered summer vacation? What if a teen SD suddenly wanted to live with her father? Figure out what you would do so you can be prepared even if the scenarios are pretty unlikely.
Bringing the dirty little secret into the light and addressing it logically, even just in your own mind, may go a long way towards making you more comfortable with the uncertainty and allowing you to move past your anger.
I agree. It's the unknown
I agree. It's the unknown that we have agreed for sd to become part of our family a number of times over the years only for bm to take it back. It hasn't happened in about a year and a half but it was so draining for me at the time. Sd is 7 now so I do think it would be too hard for my dh to become involved now but I do fear for the future when she comes searching for dh.
Does your DH know what BM2
Does your DH know what BM2 expects will happen to the daughter if she was to pass away? The daughter will need a home, and most likely your husband will have to go get the girl, and bring her home with him to finish raising her up. It's a hard thing to think about but it does happen. I had just turned 15 when my mother died, and my father was forced to bring me home with him....I knew him, but had never met his other children, in fact they had NO idea I even existed! One day they had to be told and literally the next week I was moved into a bedroom with my half sister, a perfect stranger. I had met his wife, my SM, once when I was about 4 years old and my dad was visiting at our apartment. She knocked on the door, looking for my dad because their son, my half brother had been hit by a car and she needed him to go to the hospital. I had answered the door and even at 4 years old, it was awkward.
So it does happen, so if nothing else you have to mentally prepare yourself for the off chance that this girl may one day be thrown into your lives with no preparation at all for any of you including her.