My husband and his x-witch had the same issue, did a list, divided it and she didn't buy a thing of it, so since then, what we have done is inform her of what we are getting and leave it at that, then there are no duplicates.

However, she has also duplicated presents, despite knowing we hae already purchased - so we keep receipts for EVERYTHING now, just in case xxx

My husband and his x-witch had the same issue, did a list, divided it and she didn't buy a thing of it, so since then, what we have done is inform her of what we are getting and leave it at that, then there are no duplicates.

However, she has also duplicated presents, despite knowing we hae already purchased - so we keep receipts for EVERYTHING now, just in case xxx

We don't bother with it. BM would actually tell SD what we were getting her or she would get it for her when we would try to coordinate with SD's mom's side. It sounds to me your X doesn't respect your input. I am not sure of her age and if Santa is still in the picture (like it was for us at the time) it can be very aggravating and down right cruel to your daughter. If she doesn't believe in Santa it is aggravating that you might have to take her back to the store to return your gifts for other things. What we started doing was getting SD things from our trips that we thought she would like, but most likely BM wouldn't have been in those areas to get those particular gifts. Good luck to you it is a shame your X didn't want to work with you on this. Oh I almost forgot when SD got older a lot of our gifts were trips or activities that worked out great.

Thats one thing I guess I was lucky on. BM would call Me and coordinate Christmas. The girls would make one list and her and I would discuss it and figure it out. I guess it made it easier since BMs family was not very close to her and lived out of state so it was basically just DH's side and DH, I and BM that would get them things. I never had an issue. I did find it funny she would call me but then again I did the shopping for Christmas.

Starting last year since they were both adults we don't discuss with BM anymore. I just go shopping since I know what they like and get it. My oldest SD likes surprises and mainly just needs clothing so its pretty and SD19 before we disengaged was always happy with what I picked out for her. This year I only have oldest SD22 to buy for as far as step kids since we are disengaged from SD19 for various reasons I have chosen not to get her anything even though that was a hard decision to make.

I am actually looking forward to Christmas for the first time in 12 years this year. We are having family Christmas which includes SD22 on the weekend before and that means that this will be the first year I get to have Christmas eve and day with JUST our little bio daughters Going to be nice to go to Christmas eve service with my girls and DH and then wake in the morning to the girls waking up to Santa gifts 12 years of dealing with steps and BM is finally coming to a stop.

DH & BM used to do this. I HATED it.

BM would call DH & tell him that her & her mom (her shopping with BM's money) were giving SS an XBox & we needed to get him games to go with it.

She called & said she wanted to get him new glasses & took him to pick them out & made a payment but couldn't pay the rest, so we needed to pay the rest by SS's birthday so she could wrap them & have them for his party.

WTF?

1) No one will decide what I will give anyone as a gift. That's MY decision to make.
2) Who in the hell gives glasses for a birthday gift???

She always set it up for her gifts to be spotlighted, while ours were merely follow-ups.

SS called & told DH he wanted us to get him a Sleep Number bed for his 17th birthday. I LOST it. We don't coordinate with anyone. We buy what we want to buy. We'll ask the kids for ideas, but in the end, the decision is ours.

I think it's ridiculous when a kid can tell you who is giving them what & then tell you what you will give them to go with it.

IMO, if 2 people end up giving the same gift, it's up to the recipient to express thanks to both givers & then return one & purchase something else.

Of course, I realize that our situation went beyond simply coordinating, but I also believe that coordinating gifts is what led us there.

I use xmas list more as a loose guide than an actual list of what must be bought. The kids probably get two tbings directly off their list, and the rest is what I choose to buy for them. That's the tbing about gifts.....its the gift givers choice, not the recievers.

Nothing creates spoiled and entitled children faster than setting up the expectation that they are entitled to get everything that they ask for. And whats the fun in defacto knowing what you are getting for xmas.... Kind of takes the fun and suspense out of it.

The whole list thing drives me nuts. I see it as BM telling DF what he has her permission to purchase. :sick:

BM tries the list thing every year. Each year DF tells her to stick the list in her ear.

Since the girls aren't allowed to take stuff from our house to BM's, getting two of the same thing isn't a big deal.

Me and my ex have never co-ordinated, what he and his family bought stayed at his house, what me and my family bought stayed at my house, no biggy if we doubled up (which was hardly ever). My kids never kicked up a fuss about that arrangement, I think they were happy knowing they had stuff at both homes.

We don't bother.
I believe it's best not to tell what your gift will be and keep a gift receipt should it happen to be duplicated.
For me, It seems anything we get my SS8 always ends up "lost" when he takes it home.
We have since started making gifts, or giving gifts that go along with things he already has.
For ex: FH made SS a rather nice, custom lap steel guitar(guitar building is a fave, hobby of FH) while he was with us this summer as something for them to do together during the long visit.
Since miraculously SS has been able to hold on to it, as it's not something BM can easily sell, for Christmas we will be giving him a book to help him as he learns to play it.

in the past we've just gotten things that were wanted for our house (like a TV for their room- dont' judge plz- or a game system, or mini scooter, or a pet...) along with a pair of new PJ's and maybe a few items of clothes.

but as they've gotten older, it's become increasingly harder to get them gifts. they always either change their mind, are indecisive, or want something WAAAAAY out of our budget, so cash is king from all sides of the contributing families.

it fantastically grates my nerves when they say "Dad's Christmas money" or "Grandmother's Christmas money" cuz i'm totally old fashioned about it being a **GIFT** not an entitlement (i mean a gift is something the GIVER wants them to have, which is why it's a gift- not something the RECEIVER demands, therefore it is NOT referred to as a Receipt. ok, i'm off my soapbox now...) but they'll take $$ from different parties, add it up, and use that for their big ticket item. either that, or we've gone halfsies w/ MIL (say something costs 300, she'll give half and so will we, but kids will know the gift came from both us and MIL- we'll buy it and she'll pay us her half)

Dh and I were discussing this yesterday too and DH's idea is to draw names out of a hat for those of us here in town maybe on Thanksgiving day so that at least everyone has one gift to buy someone, (DH is trying to teach the boys now that they're teens that it's just as satisfying to give as to receive, but my boys have always bought me a gift and his have not bought anything for their dad or anyone so go ahead DH teach away. lol) but I am hesitant to do this b/c it's weird for step siblings to have to buy something each other. I am thinking in particular of bs18 and ss20, if bs18 got ss20's name he'd probably buy a crappy gift if anything b/c they hate each other. DH is always trying for the goodwill towards all men and steps feeling during the holidays. Like last year he bought a gorgeous train set for all the boys to set up and run. Well it turned out that bs18 set it up and then just bs18 and bs15 played with it with DH b/c his own boys were too jealous of their dad having done that? Anyways, me no like the holidays. Another thing, DH has always had this tradition of having a fondue for c.mas eve dinner. He buys wonderful beef and shrimp and we make sauces and baked potatoes and salad, etc. I bake pies and we try to make this the most special day of the year. But last year it was beginning to feel awkward with our 4 boys around the table. It might just be me though b/c I feel like DH puts so much effort into this and no one appreciates him for it. Oh well again, me no like holidays. lol

DH asked for a list of items separate from BM's list. He would choose one or two things that generally totalled under 100 dollars.

ADDING - awe she's 7? i didnt realize she was that young. poor li'l thing.

if i were in your shoes, i'd get her what you wanted her to have. regardless of what your ex gets her.

if he duplicates items, he can return them - hey, santa's elves do a lot of the packing, i'm sure they must have made a mistake and didnt realize one of the other elves put the same gift for her in the 'to daddy's house' bag...

We do it completely separate from BM. SS tells each parent what he wants Santa bring him other than that his gifts are at the givers will. This year DH is getting him a dirtbike something he wanted from Santa, I will get the chest protector...what BM and others do doesn't really matter to us.

We live two separate households nothing but a set of clothes goes between the two.....

I am of the who cares. We get the kids what we want and she gets them what she wants. They basically leave stuff at each house anyways so who cares if we both get xbox's. She's tried to tell dh what to buy them - get stuffed. Last year after learning we bought our clan a family Xbox she actually called the kids on Christmas to tell them she was returning the one she bought them - they live primarily with her - 3 hours away!!! Jealous much??

We buy gifts for the skids based on what they want, what we think is appropriate, and what we can afford. BM does the same in her house.

Skids live in two homes. If they get duplicate gifts, that just means they have one of each thing for each home.

BM is not our family. She doesn't participate or have involvement in any part of our family traditions .. including gift giving.

When I was younger, it started out as me making one list for both of them. But then I got duplicate gifts. It was easily solved just by them keeping receipts and exchanging it for something else I wanted, so really it wasn't that bad. Duplicates just meant a chance for me to pick out something myself instead! Splitting a list can work if both sides agree to follow the list (for the most part). But since your exH doesn't want to do that, then don't waste your time. If you think your kids might like it, try doing part of their gifts in the form of gift cards. I always thought it was fun getting to pick out whatever I wanted.