How do I deal with my husband's ex-wife???
A little background: I am recently married (October 2012) to the most wonderful man! He has two sons that are 19 and 22 and I have a 7 year old son that we have blended into our own special family. I love his children like my own and I have a great relationship with both boys. The 19 year old is in college and lives with us when he is home for holidays and the summer.
Now for the advice request: My husband was married to his ex-wife, the mother of both boys, for 18 years. They were high school sweethearts and managed to stay married until around 3 years ago. They had quite a bit of turmoil for the latter part of their marriage...she cheated on him, etc. My husband tried to save the marriage for the boys but eventually he filed for divorce. Even though both boys are grown, she still tries to contact him all the time. She will have the excuse of money, college, etc. She and I do not get a long. She likes to throw their marriage in my face and how my husband and I will not have the marriage they had. Both boys live with us when they are home and that is a source of contention for her. She is unstable and has a lot of emotional issues. How do I deal with her?? I have come to the realization that she will always be in my life. She is my stepchildren's mother and will always be around. I am having a hard time with it because I feel like I can't compete with her. Not only was she my husband's first love, but she is the mother of his children. What can I do to assure myself that we can have a special marriage also????
My Dh and his XW were married
My Dh and his XW were married 19 years. Got preggers freshman year of college, so not *technically* high school sweethearts.
The answer to the question posed in your title? You don't. You don't deal with her. You make her a non-entity in your world. You don't talk to her, email her, deal with her, etc... She won't be able to "throw" anything in your face if you don't exist to her.
The most beautiful thing about my marriage now to DH is that we NEVER hear from BM. (His kids are 19 and 22, as well!)
Ughhhhh I'm jealous!!! The XW
Ughhhhh I'm jealous!!! The XW moved away with her new man so I was stress-free for awhile. Now she in the process of moving back because that didn't work out (shocker). The 22 year old is in the Army so on the rare occasion that he is home, I have to see her if we only have a limited amount of time with him.
She makes my head hurt. Am I silly for being "jealous" of what they had???
I don't mean this in a mean
I don't mean this in a mean way, but are you much younger than your DH?
I ask because I have been married twice, and a "second wife" AND "stepmother" both times.
My XH and his XW were married only 3 years and it drove me wild that he had all the "firsts" with her... first wedding, first honeymoon, first cruise, first baby, first house bought, and on and on...
I eventually got over it and realized that there was life "before me." With that realization came peace. Totally worth it.
You're not silly for it. Just realize that not only is it a waste of your time and energy, it serves only to rob you of your happiness and security in your marriage. SHE WINS. The only one suffering from these jealous feelings is you.
He is 10 years older than me
He is 10 years older than me so yes, he has had lots of firsts with her. I'm 30 and he is 40. I was married for 5 years to my XH and we had our firsts together too. I think since they had every first imaginable together, it is that much easier for her to throw it in my face. She is nuts. I know everyone on here could probably say that but I assure you, she is mentally unstable.
I feel bad for my DH because he wants to "keep the peace" with her and me. He says she requires too much energy to fight with so he tries to remain civil. I am new to this so I'm sorry if I sound inexperienced, silly or ridiculous.
Thank you for your post!!! I
Thank you for your post!!! I needed it! I'm still insecure....I admit that. He is so great and loves me. She constantly hurts her children by promising them the world and disappointing them. What hurts them, hurts me so that is just another thing to add to the longggggg list of things I can't stand. Thank you!
Heck my ex and I were
Heck my ex and I were together for 15 years married 13. We had lots of firsts, but SO and I also have lots of firsts for us, US being the important word because it's totally different experience with a totally different person. My kids are still under 18, I rarely talk to their dad, we don't converse regularly, our oldest is capable of informing him of her events, I shoot short texts of facts dates/times/etc of events if she may forget, or they are our sons (and I have the school send 2 of every note/calender and he takes one to his dads), or holiday plans school conferences or if the kids screw up and punishment may cross over to his house. Rarely does he respond unless an answer is required, it's on him to show up to things. Once the kids are adults unless it is a medical emergency there is no reason for me to talk to him the kids will be adults they can keep him up to date with their lives, needs, wants, holiday schedules. I will be done dealing with him, and I'm sure he'll be done with me.
The issue here is there isn't a reason for DH to deal with her at all the kids are adults they can work out what they want from their parents with their parents not DH and BM, but that's on your DH to draw the line and stop responding to her.
I have one adult SS. And I
I have one adult SS. And I will tell you this - there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON on the face of this earth for you to have to see BM, speak to her, email or text her or have ANY form of communication with her. EVER.
Your husband is nuts if he thinks you and she have to have a relationship and get along. That is asking way too much especially since the children are grown adults.
I don't care if there is limited time with one of the children - you do not spend time together all as one big family.
Whether she drops dead, is dying on the street, in agony at the hospital,etc (can you see that I only imagine bad things for BM) you do not have to care one whit.
You may have to be in the vicinity of her for an occasion like a wedding, graduation, etc. but that does not mean you ever have to nod your head and say hello as you walk past her.
And as to her claim that you will never have the marriage she had with your DH no you won't as you are not a lying, cheating sack of shit like her.