Back Story
I'm starting this so I can vent out some frustration. I have been with my DH for 6 years. We initally lived hours away from each other, tried to see each other whenever possible and made it work. We fell in love and couldn't get enough of each other. He moved to be with me (because I asked). My job was in one place and his line of work he could move anywhere so he moved. I did not force him at all and actually told him I didn't want him to resent me so he would have to think long and hard before making a decision to move. He did.
Fast forward, we're married 4 years, have a 3 year old son and both of us have a BC both daughters between the two of us. We've had issues with our separate children (we basically only agree on things with our son).
He hates his job and refuses to put roots down where we live ex. friends from work. He still runs home to hang out with friends (I go with him for the most part so we could let loose and have fun) he's been making comments on wanting to go to another company with work that is in his hometown and just travel the 4 hours a day so he could work with people he knows. In general it doesn't seem he's happy. I've expressed my concerns and he maintains if I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be here.
We've been trying to work on things between us because the kids put a huge wedge between us. My daughter is much more accepting of step-dad and the marriage...she even gets him little treats because she knows he loves sweets. His daughter not so much. There's resentment, she's not friendly, when her and m daughter were younger she'd do things or talk her into things and my daughter would get blamed until I started wising up to what she was doing.
One vacation she was playing in the pool with my daughter and almost drowned her (I didn't know my family is the one who told me) and one weekend I went grocery shopping and came back and my son had a rug burn on his stomach. When I asked how her or my DH didn't know how he got it and my daughter wasn't home at the time. So, I started making it to where she was never alone with my son. Last time he went to his parents with my son and his daughter was there he came back with some kind of burn on his arm. And when I asked DH he said I don't know probably got it playing. I think she's jealous that DH lives with me, my daughter, and her brother and she doesn't live here.
Her home life with BM is absolutely atrocious. She's been caught skipping school in 6th grade, rarely goes to school, always wears the same clothes, doesn't seem to have much friends, BM is obsessed with finding a man and herself. They never have toiletpaper in the house (told from my MIL) towels and clothes are rarely washed, she's always on her own, or out with BM at 10:30-11pm on a school. Just no structure so when she comes to our house that's just not how it is and I think she hates that.
I know she wants DH all to herself. She's quiet, she doesn't talk back, but if you ask her to do something she might lie saying she did or just not do it until DH gets involved. If I say anything I'm picking on her. I used to take the approach maybe I can help her, but I started getting resistance from DH so now I've disengaged all together.
It's very hard so this will be my outlet to vent or maybe to look back on in the future to see lack of progress or progress with my situation.
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Comments
I do not allow her alone at
I do not allow her alone at all. The thing is she's 13 and our son is 3. I've brought up a few things she's done that have really annoyed me like taking a book and holding it over his head while he cried, begging for it...a (then 12YO) shouldn't be doing that to a 2 YO. At 12 I wasn't like that with my sisters at all and there was just as much of an age difference there too. I was more like Momma Hen (like how my daughter is with him) than picking on them. She is very damaged and has been brought into adult things or drama since she was like 8. She definitely was not and has not been raised a decent way. And if you talk to BM everything is mine and DH's fault. Honestly, DH is the same way. People who never take responsibility for their actions infuriate me. Or blame others for their misfortune. Take some responsibility for things and SD13 will be the exact same way because both of her parents are that way. I refune to let my kids be those type of adults when they get older.
I am sorry you are going
I am sorry you are going through this. Honestly, it won't end well if your husband takes a job 2 hours away. A four house commute is just not feasible long term.
I'm glad you aren't leaving your son alone with her. Anyone that can hurt a baby (and anyone under 4 is a baby to me) is a monster.
See I don't think it's
See I don't think it's feasible either. We did that while I was pregnant. He would sleep out of town at his parents house 2 out of 4 nights during the week and come home and after our son was born I flipped and said this is ridiculous. It's like he can't break away and break away not mean cut all ties with his friends and family, but grow up a little bit. You have a house and a family now stop thinking you're a 25YO signle dad again.
And yes as far as that I don't trust her with either of the kids alone. I think there's a lot of jealousy there towards them for living with DH. I do think she a monster. I used to feel bad her having a bad upbringing etc, but now I don't because I truly do not think she has a good heart. I don't think she's a good hearted person. DH of course thinks so, but I want to say what has she done nice for anyone?????? Nothing. Back when we first got together (she was 7) she did make me a Mother's Day card, but that was 6 years ago and we just moved in together so it was new. Now, even her family or DH she's not affectionate, I've never seen her give my son a kiss whereas my daughter does all the time (my daughter is 9 BTW) she only hugs her father if he initiates it. Her cousins yes she plays with them, but not affectionate with anyone. Which ok some people just aren't but she isn't nice. She loves my SIL and that's because she's a push over and needs her DH (money ticket) since she has 3 kids never married before and has a low paying job, she makes no waves.
I'm not a b--ch, but I do speak my mind if I feel I'm a doormat. Things will build and build until I can't take it anymore with anyone. She doesn't like I point out her short comings like me asking her to vaccuum her bedroom, never hearing it run and then when I come back 30 minutes later and ask her did you do it? She lies and says yes and I ask her are you sure because I didn't hear it turn on and flat out say yes. I went to DH and he confronted her. She doesn't like that because I made her look back to him...not like he did anything about it.
To me it's like she marked her territory and I try to too, but it's hard when DH doesn't back you infront of the children. Then, it shows weakness in our marriage to them and they (her) play into it.
Your children's wellbeing is
Your children's wellbeing is your 1st priority and I commend you for placing them as such. I wouldn't leave them alone with SD either (trust your instinct). As for your H who would want to waste 4 hours a day commuting to and from? I get that he misses his hometown but that times he's spending can be invested in you and the kids. I'm not taking away from him visiting but he needs to take into account his family and what he needs to do to improve things with you and his kids. He's placing his need/want of his friends and extended family of that of you and his kids....where are his priorities?
I think that's his issue. He
I think that's his issue. He doesn't see me or our son as his family. Maybe our son, but not as big of a priority list as SD or his parents and brother. He has said I could never just leave my wife and my son, but when issues arise his first thing is pack some clothes and he goes to his parents and stays a weekend. First time when our son was 13 days old.
I agree I wouldn't want to do that commute. I've expressed this to him he agrees because he already does it every other weekend to get SD (because BM REFUSES to do any of the exchanging since he's the one who moved hours away) and I get attitude for him having to do that because "I moved here for you so now I have to do this to see my daughter." I'm the scape goat for a lot of issues when I shouldn't have all the blame.
We tried couples counseling before and some of that was brought up, but he didn't take much away from it so I thought blended family counseling would help, but he still has yet to even read the information I have for him or commit to setting an appointment to go.
I've never brought up the drowning thing but I brought up the rug burns not directly just implying well you and SD were here and neighter of you know what happened to DH and he brushes it off so now I refuse to let her around alone with my children. I also fear if we separate what would happen those weekends because I officially would not be there. I worry about my son not for DH but SD.
Everyone else highlighted
Everyone else highlighted things with the rest...
But I'm going to be sympathetic with your DH about not putting down roots for a minute. I moved 2500 miles to be with my DH here. It was understood it would be temporary. And it still is. But while my DH was looking at buying houses, I refused to ever sign for one. Why? Becuase I don't want roots here. I don't want to deal with the "well we own this house" or trying to sell it. (Also we couldn't get one anyways... DH's ex SCREWED his debt to income ratio and gave him that pretty black mark)
Yes my DH grew up here, and we're not doing awful here... But this is a small town, I'm a city girl, nearest "real" city is several hours away. Everyone knows DH and the ex. And that's just not where I want to live. I understand that he loves it here, adn I'm willing to live here for a while (particularly while he finishes school). But I won't put down roots here.
It's not because I don't love him, it's not because I don't want him happy. But it is because I feel there has to be compromise on where we live. It needs to be an area we'll both be happy in and that we both have good job opportunities in. We'll never live downtown in a city because he hates that, we aren't going to remain rural forever, becuase while I love all the animals, I don't like being in a small town. So we'll probably end up in the suburbs. Which is a happy medium. I don't like bieng in this area, the fear I could run into the ex's family in freaking walmart, the fact that most of the time BM has s*** talked me with people, leaving them confused and making it hard for me to make friends. DH doesn't want to live where I'm from either, so he's really started to understand that.
So yes I moved to be with my DH willingly, but I fully understand where YOUR DH is coming from not putting down roots. Particularly when he hates his job. Because when you're unhappy at work, it leaves a LOT less energy and patience for your home life.
I do understand and have
I do understand and have sympathy for him when it comes to certain things. Like not being able to just swing by so and so's house to just pop in. He luckily didn't move that far. With traffic at most 2 hours away. On a good day an hour and some change. He's the opposite a country guy and it's not so much where we live is his issue. He loves the house we built, the neighborhood we chose, the kid's schools etc. he's just not as close as he would be to his parents and sibling. I realize now I'm grateful I didn't move where he is from because that would be an issue. My ex isn't from the town we live. Neither am I, I'm a transplant so there's no drama that way, but in his hometown area there's a bunch. The ex, the who is sleeping with this wife or husband between circles of friends, who started drama with this person, who hates this person, family members of his hanging out with his ex the whole nine yards. It wasn't all that way when we got together, but as time passed it's been amazing seeing drama unfold there. I've had two of his exes stalk me. We've both said if I moved there years ago we probably wouldn't have made it 6 months of dating with his exes because I would've left. Some days he's fine with work. Today he's happy go lucky everything is going right at work, getting things done, he's happier than a pig in sh** today. It's when he gets stressed out or we have an arguement it's "I moved here for you." etc. Then, it gets thrown in my face. Before we put money down on our house being built I asked him if this is what he wants. I've always gave him every chance to decline. He actually through a tantrum when I wanted a different house and basically said if we don't get this house I'm not moving in. He always gets what he wants there never is compromising so I said ok we'll have to eat dry wall for a year
but we'll get that one and so money put down, it was built, and then bought. Yes, the house before was a rental that we rented for 3 years and both of us agreed with the cost the rent was going up we should move because our rent would be $300 less than our mortgage AND the house we have is three times bigger so we knew buying was our best bang for our buck. It's just very hard because sometimes when he says that I think well if I got the house I wanted with a cheaper mortgage and you left I would be fine. I'll still be fine either way, but in a better spot (less people to care after and expenses not so high). You told your DH beforehand it's temporary. We had 3 years before our house was built and bought that's where I can't have all the sympathy in the world for him.