How do I care for myself amidst family chaos
Hi. This is my first blog. I feel so lost and hopeless. I have been with my SO for about 3.5 years, living together for 2. He has two sons (14 &19). I’ve known this family for 5 years. My SO & I are to be married 3/2 but his ex-wife (ex of 10years) won’t give him the divorce decree so we can get a marriage license. He had to pay for certified copies. She won’t sign off on the deed of the house she hasn’t lived in for 10 years. She frequently has huge fights with the kids and 80% of the time kicks them out of her house because she “can’t handle it” and since Dad & I have “poisoned” the kids against her we need to deal with it. We rarely know what the arguments are about. She sued bio Dad for child support a few months ago but there’s no legal child custody agreement so she changes the time with the kids a lot.
All of this hurts my SO and I terribly watching the kids suffer so much and having to live on edge, no be able to make plans, or keep the ones we do make (with or without the kids).
I am aware that my SO is the main issue in why this toxic pattern still exists. He’s terrified of what she’ll retaliate with if he creates stronger healthier boundaries and he’s terrified the kids will hate him if he takes her to court to get custody legalized, even if it’s joint 50/50.
We have had many arguments over his lack of action. More recently we’ve been having discussions about our fears and my growing resentment in him not facing his fears to make room for more positive growth in all our relationships. I literally get nauseated when a blow up happens. I take the brunt of SO’s anger through misplaced yelling and irritability.
I don’t know how to care for myself better in this situation and I’m usually really good at that. I love this family and know that in time SO will have to do something different for the well being of his kids and our relationship.
Does anyone else share this experience and have words of support?
The 19-year-old is no longer
The 19-year-old is no longer subject to any custody agreements or child support, and the 14-year-old has less than 4 years until he isn't subject to it either.
If I were your SO I wouldn't try to get it formalized now, either - he'll pay through the nose for something that only lasts a couple of years.
Take care of yourself, don't tolerate him taking his stress out on you, and let him handle things as he needs to - but set boundaries that are important to you.
Do the kids see that Mom is nuts or do they blame Dad like she wants them to?
The 19 yo isn’t part of the
The 19 yo isn’t part of the support. I see your point in paying out the wazoo for something that will last for only 3.5 more years. Maybe the best approach would be that our household go to counseling together to help improve our communication and build emotional trust between the kids & and me & Dad. Thank you. Your response was very grounding.
And, the way Family Court
And, the way Family Court works, it would probably take him a year to get a custody agreement, and then BM would just violate it anyway, with no consequences. Not worth the money or stress.
Focus on how to not let the stress get to you and not be reactive to the drama BM brings.
First of all, why is
First of all, why is visitation, custody, or CS even an issue for a 19 year old? I realize CS can go longer in some states, in certain circumstances, but how can the ex stop a 19 year old from visiting?
Second, was the house addressed in the divorce? Is the ex supposed to sign off on the deed? If so, she is in contempt and he should charge her as such.
Third, biggest mistake men make, is to be afraid. He should know his rights and exercise them, and if that means taking BM to court, so be it. He should not fear the ex or the kids.
The 19 yo isn’t part of all
The 19 yo isn’t part of all that. As for the deed, I don’t know what the divorce decree states but will soon. Hopefully that will clarify what steps need taken.
As for SO being afraid...I can’t make him do anything. I can just continue to understand him, express my own concerns & feelings, and be there. I guess I’ll need to improve my physical self, more alone walks, more gym time, better diet, more wine!! haha. And take better care of my emotional states. More music, more time/talks with loved ones outside the home, more things I feel accomplished in.
Yes, that last paragraph, yes
Yes, that last paragraph, yes! That's the idea. Let him handle it as he wants to, again, with boundaries around what might affect you.
I did find that once I stopped telling DH how I thought he should handle things, the stress decreased for both of us. I did it out of anxiety, but it was probably really annoying, looking back.
Murphyslaw has a very good
Murphyslaw has a very good points about your boyfriends ex.
1. I could never EVER understand a real woman wanting to live in another womans house. It's gross and has old memory air in it. THEY had their kids there, THEY have good/bad days there. THEY SLEPT there and had sex in there too.....ewwwwww
So, I would not go one step further until you and boyfriend found another place that is your own.
2. Move out then bm may sign the papers or get her to sign a quick deed if she wants to keep it.
Check your states laws that speak on WHEN a divorce is filed, if one party doesnt sign off how much times goes by until the court will over ride and grant the divorce.
GoodLuck with this one..
.dad should not go back to court for anything other than getting the divorce and the sale of the home complete OR bm buys him out. Anything about custody at this time is pointless and expensive.