Help! I can’t stand my SKs.
Im new to this forum and after reading other people’s horror stories, I’ve got to say, my situation isn’t THAT bad, but for me, it seems awful. I have my two kids full time and then my husband and I have 2 daughters together that we have full time and then he has 2 sons from a previous marriage (11 and 7) that we get every other week that drive me absolutely crazy. I feel bad bc he treats my two kids well but it is really difficult for me to do the same. His oldest son is a bully and just constantly picks on everyone for no reason. He’s fat and ugly while the rest of our kids are pretty cute and my two kids are always called “models” everywhere we go so it could just be jealousy but he’s 11 and is allowed bc he’s “just being a boy” so I can’t see it stopping anytime soon. The 7 year old is in second grade and can barely read... barely read!!! My kids were able to read fully by 4 years old and his mom is a freaking teacher!!! So dumb and it carries over to other aspects of his life where he “can’t remember to pick up after himself” or anything else and needs constant care bc he’s slow I guess although nobody will admit that he’s slow and needs actual mental help. I find myself getting so angry all the time bc my husband refuses to acknowledge anything these kids get while they are at their moms so she constantly buys them new things to try to “one-up” us and he says “well, that’s at her house.” So he buys them things over here too. Basically allowing the kids to be extremely spoiled and they aren’t grateful for anything and whine incessantly. Now on the weeks that their mom has them, they have to come here in the morning before school bc she can’t get them to school and be at work on time. I really don’t know if I can deal with this much longer. My husband is a great guy and I love him but these kids are really making me want to run away. They are awful and I can’t stand to be around them. When they come over, I feel like I have to hide in my room or leave. I almost wish I had another house where I could just take my 4 kids and leave whenever those 2 come over. Has anyone else on here ever found a way to get past these horrible feelings of hatred and anger and actually began to have love for your step kids? Or am I just going to have to self medicate and basically drug myself the entire time I’m around these brats?
Your husband is not a great
Your husband is not a great guy. Well, maybe he is great at some things, but he's a shitty parent if he's raising a bulky bully and a helpless dolt. Things will never get better until he starts parenting better.
I think you need a break
Do you work? Can you afford a little studio on the side like a 4 1/2 where you can retreat to with some of the kids. You have a huge family, you need to be nurtured and you need respite to gain clarity. You are entitled to be whole. Maybe divorce isnt best option because you have two kids already. Find a way to cut the negative kids that put you down in your life. Your hubby will need to support you and readjust.
I think you should count your
I think you should count your blessings that you have such beautiful and talented children. And then you should take a close inventory as to why you are resentful that these children exist and how it is you find it difficult to be nice to them.
Oldest kid picks on the others for no reason - maybe he feels a bit inadequate because he's ugly and fat and seems to generate resentment whereever he goes? I'm not excusing the behaviour and it should be acknowledged and stopped, but maybe there are some emotional reason why he acts like a bully - such as not feeling welcome where he sleeps for at least half of his days.
Also not reading at 7? Most kids in Finland cannot read at the age of 7. Parents are told not to teach their children to read. Then they get to school and Finland ranks top in education across the world most years. I'm not saying he shouldn't be reading, but that it's not necessarily the worst thing in the world.
Are you working outside the home? I'm not trying to devalue looking after 4 or 6 kids, but so what if your dh wants to buy his sons stuff so they can have things at both homes? Maybe he's trying to make up for the 'hidden' hostility with material goods.
Look, I don't know - maybe these kids are absolutely awful - but it seems to me that a lot of people seem to take out their resentment about their situation in general on their stepkids. Maybe you should look to other areas in your life where you have some control and try to make those areas better.
I was about to say the same
about kids in Finland. Also, the child may have a learning disability and those are not typically diagnosed until around age 7 and that doesn't mean the child is slow or in need of mental help. My youngest has LDs and has a higher IQ than my older three and one of the older three was Valedictorian. Her ability to learn is amazing she just needs assistance in applying it.
The older child shouldn't bully but he also has his own issues to deal with plus dealing with resentment from adults in his life.
Now the spoiled thing is common with a lot of parents and should be addressed but I don't think ragging on two kids who can't help their looks or struggles is the way to go about it.
Disliking your stepkids is situation normal.
Stepkids generally don't improve with time and if you find him unbearable now that will only grow and fester (in my opinion).
As others have said, focus on your own children and get DH to stop his Disney / head in the sand approach with his son. I couldn't watch that slow moving car crash without piping up!
Good luck.