I disengaged after about one year with my DH. EOW, when we had the SDs, I would retreat and let him do stuff with them. This was because every time I tried to join in, the younger one (who was 5 when I met him) would sabotage and act out.

It wasn't really that he was putting me second - I was putting myself second. But it FELT like he was putting me second, if you understand that - in being such a Disney Dad to his kids and allowing them to make it so unpleasant for me that my only option was to disengage.

I made peace with it quite quickly, because it was my decision - which is not to say I liked it - I actually hated the form that the weekends took when the SDs came. There are now signs that they may stop coming EOW - they are aged 17 and nearly 19. I coped with it by amusing myself on my own or with a friend - and having a glass of wine or five! It's not easy - it's been effing hard. That plus coping with a psycho BM. But I love my DH so I stayed.

I fought this for the first year of our relationship it was hell. Once SO finally realized that any of my intentions where in the best interest of his children it changed... we became a family. I think that was a huge turning point for us. As a bio dad he will be defensive and fe the need to protect his kids. That is nature we all know we arent supposed to love skids as our ow. It is virtually impossible. Once SO realized that the reality of my skids not being my bio kids was not clouding my vision I stopped coming second. I made it clear to him over and over that I was doing everything in my power to make them happy and healthy. At that point it was like he realized they didnt have to come first. That he could trust in me to mske sure that his kids where getting everything they could. He didnt always have to be the one person advocating for them because they did have 2 parents. That said you have to have a HUGE amount of love and get rid of your resentment which is hard to put aside sometimes. I just mke sure that mybskids bio parents are held accountable for their actions not them. They deserve to be led and loved in a proper way or they dont know any better!

Dont get me wrong im not perfect at all. And sometimes I still resent and it feels horrible. We aren't perfect but that is the struggle of being a SM!

How does he make you second?

I don't agree with most on this board about the whole who comes first or second.

I think it is mostly situational, but I also think that when you have a kid, you MUST honor the commitment to raise them for 18 years before committing to someone else.

I would never deal with that. I come 1st, I am wife & partner. Because I love DH, I put SD7's NEEDS (not wants) very high on my list. So we never really have a conflict of interest where he has to choose between SD & myself. I would never put him in that position & because I don't - he always feels ok with having me as #1.

I like the way you put it QB.

Quite frankly, it is constantly BM who tries to confuse the issue. The latest is that SD is jealous of me. This puts DH in defensive mode, and then I have to deconfuse him... LOL
BM will stop at nothing to prove her baby girl is the center of the universe, and anyone be damned if they don't agree.

I think you have to figure out where you want to stand and then be unflinching.

Don't come in 2nd. You need to lay it out just like that to your husband. I was irritated by it for a long time, and I finally lost it and explained to him that if the kids were going to be happy, we had to be happy as a couple. Otherwise, he was going to be divorced again. It worked, we started focusing on us and doing things that we like to do without kids. That helped. You have to stand up for your marriage.

How did I get used to it? I didn't.

I am not second - yes sometimes needs for SS come first but at the end of the day we have our time and I never feel second. He can go have a full on guys day with DH and most of the time he is coming home saying he missed me not me saying it first. SS and I are two different levels so when it comes to being his wife and his partner I never come second.

Why would you even want to get used to this? If being first is important to you and your husband won't comply, why stay with him?

Why in the world would anyone have to "honor the commitment to raise them for 18 years before committing to someone else" when these are the same kids who would ditch/betray their bio parents in a heartbeat to serve their own needs?? Go and be free to have a relationship if that's what you want. The skids will do worse to you in the end...