DH won't go back to marriage counseling with me...and it's a dealbreaker
I have posted previously that things are going poorly in my less-than-one-year-old marriage.
We went to two sessions with an outstanding marriage counselor, but the guy made the mistake in the second session of pointing out to DH that he lets his three kids shit on him (an understatement, if anything).
After he refused to return to the same therapist, DH suggested that he would be willing to see someone else with me, but that it has to be "someone who just listens, and doesn't offer any opinions." I think that is silly; I mean, why not just set the dog at the end of the bed and let her listen to us talk to each other?
Nevertheless, this afternoon, feeling frazzled by yet more skid-can-never-be-disciplined drama, I asked him to select a new therapist that he approves of and call sometime this week to get us an appointment.
He shocked me with his assertion that he is "not the one with the problem," and that he is perfectly happy with the way our marriage is going and thinks we are in a "great place."
I don't buy it for a minute. There's just no way we can be experiencing the same marriage in such completely different ways.
It's obvious that pretending things are great allows him to avoid taking any responsibility for the failure of the marriage. He won't take responsibility for setting any boundaries with his kids, either, so this is a familiar pattern to me. I'm going to be the "bad guy." Always. I'll be "that bitch" who just up and left him for no reason, just like his first wife. Poor, victimized DH.
Well, here's my question. I know in my heart that the marriage is over. But when do I tell my husband? I have my own career that pays pretty well, but I don't have any personal savings because I've put everything into the household for the last year. I need to begin the process of "uncoupling," financially and otherwise.
Should I tell him right away that the marriage is effectively over, even though we may have to live together for a few more months, or should I wait until the day I am leaving?
Not telling him makes me feel really deceitful, if he really believes (although I don't know how he could) that everything is fine. It also makes the issue of intimacy awkward...how can I not refuse his sexual advances, when I know I'm done?
Do you have a friend or
Do you have a friend or family you stay with for a month or two? I think it would be hell knowing you're leaving and having to deal with his kids a moment longer.
Since you would feel guilt
Since you would feel guilt about not telling him then I recommend you do so as soon as possible. Start sleeping in the guest room/couch to force the point home.
Since he needs a "mother" to do the female chores around the house expect things to change for the better but don't be fooled. The minute you relent things will quickly go back to the way they were.
Had you asked advise before getting married I think the overwhelming advise here would have been "RUN". Now you know why. Best of luck and leave as soon as you can.
I agree. Totally. Good
I agree. Totally. Good luck, I wish you well.
I totally agree, RUN while
I totally agree, RUN while you can before SKids drive you crazy.
Tell him, you won't be able
Tell him, you won't be able to handle the stress of not telling him. Get it out in the open. But be aware he may show a sudden change, all will be wonderful kinda charm, to keep his cosy life in tact. If he is genuinely wanting to keep you, he would do a complete 360 in his attitude towards his kids. He would sit them all down and tell them how it's going to be. But he won't. If he can't do that now, he never will.
Tell him, you will feel much better. I'm so sorry, I know this is hard. But it's better sooner than later. His attitude would suggest he absolutely does know he has a problem, but he has no wish whatsoever to fix it.
yes, he deserves to know,
yes, he deserves to know, your marriage deserves this. keep everything out in the open. honesty. begin the emotional detachment while you're saving. sleep on the sofa (I bought a roll away bed and opened it every night for a year before I left), do your own thing, make your own plans, live your own life. do not be secretive about it. continue seeing your counselor. be cordial and aloof, but keep looking forward to your future, cause one way or another it's going to be good. and IF by some miracle he agrees to counseling with the counselor of YOUR choice, and begins to discipline his kids, you may have something to work with. make your list of "demands". you will never have more power in this marriage now that you've come to terms with leaving. it's his job to make living with him more attractive than leaving. if he doesn't, you can leave knowing you've done everything you can. BUT, if the very thought of staying makes you physically sick, if you'd rather sleep with a snake than him, THEN you know it's truly over and no matter what he does, it wont make a difference. remember, it's YOUR body and you get the say in who you share it with. a man that allows his kids to walk over you, and ignores your pleas and feelings does NOT deserve it.
Living the dream - several
Living the dream - several years ago I arrived at the decision that my marriage was over in it current state, as I could NOT live with how my DH behaved, the way he acted towards me, his poor decisions and how it affected it...am sure you are experiencing similar thoughts. As I arrived at that decision, I KNEW I had nothing left to lose. DH couldn't throw me out - as we were married - I felt a calm, control (albeit sad) come over me, so I knew if he raged and acted unreasonably I COULD and WOULD manage it with dignity and calmness. I suggest if you have not yet found that, then please do.
So I sat down with DH and really nicely, calmly told him I could not live with him how things were. I told him how I felt "I feel" VS making accusations (which believe me I REALLY wanted to) with wording such as "you make me feel...", as this ensured I was as reasonable as possible. I told him unless things changed (and I told him exactly what I wanted) then I was saving and leaving him. I didn't WANT to, however I had no choice as my happiness was important to ME.
If your DH feels HE is happy, things are fine, then great he can carry on F*cking up your relationship, but doesn't mean you will be around to continue making HIM feel happy if he doesnt give a crap about yours (which imo he is telling you).
Your DH either steps up or he doesn't, either way, you have made a decision and the best case scenario is DH will DO things to change. Please make him aware he needs to DO things, no promises (if he even bothers with this) and do not back down unless he shows you these changes.
Inform him you will be separating the finances, you will no longer cook for him children/be responsible for them. Obviously you will not be hostile, however you are abdicating all and any responsibility. Then you disengage from DH also. This means you go out with friends, you provide common courtesy to DH but that's it - right now, he's just a friend (if that) nothing more. You ensure, you make him see you dead serious by not hiding your apartment brochures, keeping strong and if you need to boost your confidence then go out and get your hair cut, get some nice new clothes and stop investing in *your* household as its just DH's now really.
I would get some legal advice asap - before you speak to DH actually, so he cannot try and use fear to manipulate you into staying or being unsure where you stand. Your confidence in your decision and your character WILL shake him, if you remain in control and calm. If he doesn't then you can tell him you will not talk to him until he can talk to you nicely.
Either way you are sensibly preparing to leave but are giving DH a final chance to change, if he doesnt you have lost nothing because you are already changing your circumstances in order to prepare to leave.
Good luck.
I am not sure what state you
I am not sure what state you are in, but in our state you have to be legally separated for 6 months before filing for divorce. If you know for sure that your marriage is over, I would want to get started on that separation sooner rather than later. If you are financially able to move out, I think you should do so. If not, save up some money but seriously get out asap. Being around him and his kids is going to drive you insane once you realize you are done.
I have somewhat of an answer to your question of how you and DH can see the marriage so differently.. I have the same issue with my DH.. He thinks everything is fine and dandy while I (sometime) think things are pretty shitty. Here's the answer- it's because their needs are being met and ours aren't. They are perfectly happy and content because they are getting what they need out of the relationship. We aren't happy because, well, we aren't getting what we need.
When you aren't getting what you need in a relationship & the other person doesn't even CARE, then it is most definitely time to go.
This is what I need to do...
This is what I need to do... Just reading this makes me ill..... Tells me a lot about my situation. Good luck to you
Delilah has said it very
Delilah has said it very well. She has given you excellent advice.