Honeymoon is OVER
My BF and I have been living together for four years come the end of this year. We have been together a total of 7. My BF and I dated in high school for like a hot three minutes. He lived in one town and I lived in another. We kept in touch off and on. We reconnected a few years ago and the rest is history as they say.
When I tell you I had visions of grandiose about being a SM in the making, you probably would slap me with the reality stick. In the beginning I expected some resistance. However, here we are years later and it's only gotten worse. My BF has two sons. In the beginning I was a SM pleaser. If they didn't want the air or heat on I'd turn it off. If I made something to eat and they didn't want it, no problem. I literally did not make plans that didn't include them for months on end.
I could go on and one, but truth of the matter is you've all heard it before. I am now officially DONE. I'm not rude or mean to them, but I have stopped the pleasing. I think what recently lit a fire under me was BF went to a school event (more on why I never attend later) he said he had a talk with the child's god mom and she said the oldest one is loyal to his mom. I expect that and even respect it. However, this young man was running back and telling his mother everything. If we bought something new, he'd want to know...how much we paid for it, where we got it and why did we get it. Now when I was younger children didn't ask adults such questions. My delusional BF of course answers these questions. You simply said it was nice or nothing at all. Since having that information I limit my interactions with him and his younger brother too.
Now why I never attend any of their events. Way too much drama with BM. Let's just say the first event I went to, I never knew a grown woman wouldn't care who was looking at her and why would she be carrying on like that. Although I'm treated like crap I don't want the children to be embarrassed again, so my staying away is less drama.
In reading some of the posts, I commend you all who have been dealing with this for years on end. Clearly I'm a rookie. Perhaps I should have had the name "RookieSM".
Inhaling....exhaling........
While inhaling and exhaling
While inhaling and exhaling you might as well start drinking. The tip I am always given is don't care about what they are doing, let the birth parent raise them and you worry about your marriage. Well that's easier said than done.
I agree with
I agree with stepmominflorida.
In my case OSS was secret
In my case OSS was secret agent for the Girhippo. a role he gladly accepted. He would count how many adult beverages we had and made a complete report to the Girhippo.
One of my SS's is also a
One of my SS's is also a secret agent for his mother. DH will often get texts from her after a weekend with us, objecting to some minor thing that happened. I'm honestly sort of impressed that the kid could remember all that, because he's not the best student. Just goes to show, he can remember when he wants to.
The other day, he was asking me all kinds of questions about how much money DH makes...after several attempts at questioning, I finally said to him, "I don't know how much money your father makes." I sort of feel bad for the kid, because really, it must be exhausting to have to spy on his dad all the time, but then again, he's old enough to know that his mother is not asking him these things out of kindness or concern for DH, so he should decide he doesn't want to be part of supplying her with information. DH told him a couple of times, "you need to stop trying to cause drama between me and your mother", but he keeps asking and reporting back, so clearly he's not concerned about what his father thinks.
SS also loves to talk about how much money his grandparents have, when I know for a fact that they have been sued by collections agencies multiple times in the last few years. As my mother always told me when I would lament what other people had, "just because people are buying expensive things, that doesn't mean they have any money."
"The other day, he was asking
"The other day, he was asking me all kinds of questions about how much money DH makes."
Weren't you at least tempted to make up some big lies. Either go with a really, really low figure and tell him how your DH was going to have to have CS cut down big time (I know one should not discuss CS with a child - but I'm talking about fantasies here).
Or tell him how your DH's now makes SO MUCH MORE money and that you are now rolling in money. Let BM start salivating about that only to be disappointed.
Or say something like "But not nearly as much as I do. I make 3 times what he does." Of course in my case my adult SS he knows that I have a lot more money that DH. And it KILLS him that he has no access to my money or my assets and never will.
I'm always sort of tempted to
I'm always sort of tempted to feed him incorrect information to see what comes back to us, but really then we'd get into the "StrugglingSM said X, Y, Z" and BM would accuse me of calling her child a liar when I said "I never said that", so I can't be bothered.
I have so many thoughts in my mind of how I would totally mess with BM's head, but I have to resist the urge to do it...
I'm sure when my SSs are older, they will be annoyed that they have no access to my money, right now, they're sort of clueless and have no idea how much things cost.
Next time tell him that if
Next time tell him that if his mother wants to know how DH makes, she should just ask him herself.
Welcome to the club, sister.
Welcome to the club, sister. Congratulations, girl. No need to please the kids if they've proven to be loyal to their loser mom... just work on having alone time with your man, by any means necessary.
- From a chick who hasn't laid eyes on the spy-ful, sh!tty stepbrats in almost 18 months, but just went to Vegas with Dad for the second time this year and sees him at least 5 times a week sans disgusting, feral children... oh, but I did move out of that "family" house and got an awesome apartment ALONE instead
There's no need for adults to
There's no need for adults to ever tolerate that level of rudeness from children. It reinforces the delusion that they are on the same level as you. Put them in their places. I would tell them it's none of his business how much things cost. It's none of their business how much money you make, how much DH makes, etc.
The only time anyone is required to tell anyone their income, etc, is when there is an interrogatory from the court or CSE. So no BM should ever have the opportunity to cross-examine whatever you say unless she files a motion. Then what would she tell the judge? "I questioned the kids about DH's income and they said blah blah?" If she does, she's stupid.
So you can troll the crap out of her. It's fun. SD went through a faze of calling me a nerd, thinking she was insulting me. I'd grin and say, "Yeah I know, it's great, because I make a buttload of money." No specifics, everything is relative. We'd walk around Cabela's, and I'd see an expensive boat, and be like, "Hey, DH, this is an awesome boat. Do you want it? I could just write a check...". Rinse and repeat.
BM called DH and demanded more money from him, you know, because "You have access to more money", aka, "SM should support you completely so you can give me 100% of your income so I can continue to do nothing but sit on my ass all day." aka "I want CS from SM too, because I'm so needy and my life is so sad, everyone should give me everything they can, wahhhhhh."
Then when BM filed for more CS, we redacted our tax returns, because she's not entitled to know how much I make. To this day, she has no idea. And at the time, the courts threatened to LOWER her CS because it turned out DH was overpaying. Heh. Now we have custody, partly because I systematically drove her [more] insane.
When DH told BM that he was
When DH told BM that he was serious about me and wanted me to meet the kids, her first response was "if you marry her, I'll be entitled to more child support." Um, no crazy BM, you won't, because you're not entitled to my money.
That's why you should always
That's why you should always have separate finances..... the only joint account will be for the house hold expenses and you only contributing 30%, BF has to do 70% cause he has children making use of the house, utilities and groceries.
Now if you separate finances, you can do what I've done.... you buy what ever you want and if the skids asks or comments about it, laugh and say, Sweety it's my money and I can do with it what ever I want, it's none of your concern..... drive them crazy..... I enjoyed those games allot and eventually Aergia stopped reporting to BM lol..cause BM stopped believing her...
how do you ask - I would borrow curtains and hang it.... Aergia would ask her questions, where did I get it, how much did it cost, I would tell her this shop - most expensive one in town... next day I would return the curtains (yes we can do it) and then a week later I would discover BM ran and bought the same curtains... only to find out a month later I have total different ones lol....
I would borrow coffee tables you name it, have it in the house when Aergia was there and return it later... BM would explode about SO wasting money, he would not understand..... then Aergia comes over and sees, nope no new coffee table.... eventually she stopped telling BM anything }:)
She would get pissed off if I get home with new clothes for me, or SO... nothing for her, she would have a tantrum, I would reply.. my money I can spend it as I want, I'm not your mother by your own words, and as per CO your mother is responsible for your clothing.... end of it...
Yep, this too. We drilled it
Yep, this too. We drilled it in: "I can buy what I want because I'm an adult and I work."