Holidays
Are there any others who don't care to spend holidays with their step kids, because you truly just don't feel like a family with them? I struggle with this. I know my SK's do not care for me. One of them I do not care for their behavior, attitude, and other manipulative & entitled behavior which has put a strain on our relationship, because of course I'm not liked, since I don't tolerate it, the other one I don't have issues with, but even on a regular day the environment isn't the most comfortable, throw a holiday into the mix & spending time at both my husband's side of the family & then mine, which I know his kids likely don't care if they spend any time with mine, doesn't make it something I look forward to. Does anyone else experience these feelings or family dynamics? I've told my husband he can just do his thing with his family, & I'll do mine on holidays, but of course he's not on board with that.
He's not on board. So ....
He's not on board. So .... what's his plan to make the day better for you? His done a crappy job parenting for you to end up like this. I let my DH spend a couple of years doing the family thing on his own. Best think ever to get thru to him who mattered most to him. Me. I'd recommend to you your plan. Unless he can straighten this all out before then. Like that will happen.
How old are all the kids
How old are all the kids involved and what kind of distance separates your home, your parents, your ILS?
13 & 18. My home & my parent
13 & 18. My home & my parent's home are fairly close. His parents is quite a distance.
So it's not really practical
So it's not really practical to do both families for the same holiday. At worst, you could always do one year with yours and the next with his if he doesn't want to split up for the day/weekend. With a bit of luck, his kids will decide to stay with their mother.
At that age.. perfectly
At that age.. perfectly reasonable for them to be doing holidays with his side.. you can go separately to your family.. I see no reason why teens should be forced to go to your family's home.. it just sets them up for an unhappy day.. let them be with their own family.. or mom's.
I was fortunate.. I didn't
I was fortunate.. I didn't have kids of my own.. and my parents had always been pretty loose about when we celebrated holidays. So, usually doing things with my DH's parents was fairly easy.. and we didn't have to bring his kids to my parent's house.
Being military.. and our extended family being all over.. there was no larger family obligation .. thank goodness.
TBH.. if the kids are fairly young.. I almost feel that certain holidays.. like Christmas or Easter be "nuclear family" at home/church.. but not require big travels from house to house.
For things like thanksgiving.. I would alternate homes.. unless the families live very close together in the same town..
If you don't share kids with your SO.. you can set that boundary.. you will go to your family. .he can go enjoy his with his kids and their grandparents etc.
If the kids are young.. what is he doing to help them be more pleasant though? my skids were a bit feral when I met their dad.. but I was able to work with him on improving that.. so that they were tolerable in public spaces..lol. (they are adults now.. we get along.. fine)
It's been a struggle. I moved
It's been a struggle. I moved in & the kids had zero boundaries, few rules & so with me trying to help put these in place when they pretty much never existed before, I was, and still am frowned upon as the evil step mother, so to speak, if that makes sense. His SS was fine, respectful, cooperative, and didn't push limits, although slightly entitled. SD on the other hand, she can be ok, but definitely thinks she runs the show, calls the shots, is often defiant, disrespectful, & manipulative to get her way. My husband is not consistent at all with dealing with her, and it drives me crazy & has caused a lot of problems between us. So SD & I don't have much of a relationship, because I don't tolerate those types of behavior & my demeanor is not great when she thinks she can act any of those ways. So there's a strain that makes even being together on a normal day uncomfortable, say nothing about a holiday.
I am sure
There's many Sparents. Who don't want to spend holidays with there SK. Especially SK that have no respect because there births parents are doing a sh*ty job of parenting. This is DH fault for not teaching SK to act like people not animals. You must do what you have to to keep your sanity.
Would you be okay celebrating
Would you be okay celebrating holidays apart from DH? My situation is a little different because we were (I thought ) solidly blended. Me and my kids attended gatherings on DH's side and his kids came to our house for my side's. Since the blowup with DH's family, we no longer go to gatherings on his side. We initially talked about him going alone, but I'm not okay with that. If we're sharing our lives, holidays and events are a big part of that. In my case, DH's family were pretty horrible to me, so IMO him going without me felt like betrayal. Our marriage counsellor 100% agree. So he no longer sees his kids on holidays, his kids are much older (30 & 32) so that's easier than it would be for your DH. Being a SM means having to be really flexible, but it doesn't mean having to be a doormat. So make sure you're comfortable with whatever you agree to do.
We have always done the couple thing for the most part.
My Parents lived over seas for the first 5yrs of our marriage but would often travel to spend all or part of the holidays where we lived and my brother and his family lived. Our homes were about 500yards down the street from each other. When mom and dad were in town, they would split trheir time staying with us and with my brother. We would do holidays as an extended family either at our home or at my brother's home.
Every few years, DW, SS and I would go to my IL's for either TG or Christmas though usually TG. My DW's 3younger sibs all allow
their own ILs to dominate holidays and my IL's woudl tolerate it so we would do the IL clan gathering on a day other than the actual holiday.
Our struggle was the opposite of what you struggle with. Our struggle was when SS was at his SperlClan COd visitation. For a few years my DW would refuse to do anything when SS was not with us. After a few years of missing out on my families celebrations during Summer, Winter, and Spring SS SpermLand visitations I finally told my wife I was no longer going to miss out on my family's events and I was going. I expected DW to go with me but if she refused that was on her. We never missed another Rags' clan event due to SS's visitation schedule.
This year we are spending TG with my ILs and Christmas with my family. SS will be with us for Christmas. He has not seen his SpermClan in nearly 10 years. They make zero effort to see him, He reciprocates comensurate with their effort.
Neither DW nor I would be okay with spending the holidays apart. Nope. We do holidays together and either with my family, her family, or just us. SS-31 joins us as his USAF leave approvals will allow.