Her kids drive me nuts.
I met my girlfriend a couple of years ago, and we've been together ever since. I moved in with her just over a year ago, we both work full time and split the expenses down the middle; from the mortgage, groceries, birthday gifts, and trips.
She has two boys who are 12 and 14, both are in middle school, incredibly smart, very active in sports and various extra-curriculars, and friendly. I also help with buying school clothes for them and other items. Their dad is in the picture, his child support is about $200 and its always late.
The father was fired from a job for sexual harassment, swindling people by racking up credit card debt on other people's cards. They had to move around a lot, until she left him. They have a parenting agreement that allows her full custody and gives him every other weekend, plus one evening during the week, which he skips from time to time for no reason. He usually gives a lie as to why an evening was cut short, or not at all, and why he skips games and such. He is an expert manipulator, always playing the victim, especially to his boys.
I've noticed an increased resentment towards me, unwillingness to listen, pickup, close doors, put stuff away or follow directions. This has become a point of contention with my partner, who says I need to relax, its not that big of a deal, "they are just kids," etc. Recently I've gotten on medication to help with anxiety to relax and go with the flow.
I've has a few issues with the boys, from them not putting dishes away, to leaving doors open so the dogs get into their rooms to rummage through garbage and they, in turn, get mad at the dogs. But if i say anything to her, she gets defensive. If i say anything to the boys, they get defensive and give me attitude. For instance, one was told to stop showing the dog a coin, teasing it, because she would get choke on it... not 5 mins later, the dog had the nickel in it's mouth.
Recently, we've had a rash of break-ins around our neighborhood, and we both have stressed to the boys that they have to lock the gates, close the garage door when outside, lock up when done, bring the keys for the garage back in to the house, and put the snow shovels away when done. "The job's not done until your tools are put away." I came home that next day to find the garage door wide open, the key in the lock, one dog sniffing around the garage near the chemicals, and the other dog had taken stuff from the garage into the yard, the shovels on the ground and the patio, the backdoor unlocked, a coat/pants/and boots on the floor in the way of the door. Rooms were a mess, and there was a table tipped over, the light knocked off along with the phone and a Scentsy candle.
I don't yell but I was livid to find the garage, the yard, and the house like this. Their mom said "oh he feels really bad about it, and apologized. I've stressed that he can't just say "ok im sorry" they both have to understand how important it is to listen when we ask something of them. I try to take out the garbage, do the choirs, help with cooking, cleaning, dishes, and being a partner with my girlfriend. That same night, one was caught lying about what they made for lunch, when in fact they hadn't made a lunch, and left the coin laying around. The problem continues of them not doing what they are told, simple things, is it an act of defiance, active disrespect, or kids just being kids?
Father
I brought him up because I believe that the father is manipulating the boys to not listen to me/her/us, and plays the victim, so they resent her/me/us. We do all of this stuff for them, try to set a good example, while he skips Child Support payments, and shows up intermittently, and they go flocking to him. I don't get it.
I'd pin the problem on your
I'd pin the problem on your girlfriend and her failure to parent rather than her ex. If the kids are disrespectful, don't listen, messy, etc, she needs to impose consequences, not get defensive with you and tell you they're just kids.
If your GF fails to give her
If your GF fails to give her boys consequences for refusing to follow simple rules, she us failing as a parent and they will continue to wreck stuff.
You are paying way more than you should be on bills considering she brings two expensive mouths to feed to the table.
I read that dad had every
I read that dad had every other weekend. Do they see him that often? How often do they call? It is a huge possibility that dad is influencing, and it sounds like mom has guilty parent syndrome. She had to put your relationship first, support you, and she had to be the one to give ordered and discipline according to a parenting plan that you both agree on or it won’t work. You are going to have to tell her that and give her the option of it not working if it’s going to change. I’m in the very same boat as you. Mom is conditioning stepkids to defy and hate both of us. But very subtly. It’s frustrating, and it won’t get better until your GF decided to not allow it.
You Do Not Have Children, Correct? These kids are NOT YOUR
responsibility. They are the sole responsibility of your GF and BF.
Your GF knows you're taking anxiety meds in order to function around HER kids, correct? If so, what does she say about that?
The safety and security of the home and the dogs are being compromised. That cannot happen.
Most likely your GF is suffering from the guilt of leaving the kids' father. She is engaging in compensatory behaviors toward her kids so as to "ease their suffering." It's the "least she can do" for breaking up their "happy family.'
It's time to yank her by her short and curlys (figuratively speaking of course) and tell her you refuse to live your life in utter chaos, disrespect and leaving the home in a state of being open to being burglarized. You need to give her a timeline to get a game plan in place and to ENFORCE boundaries. Dr. Henry Cloud has a great book on boundaries, it's a good place to start. If she defies your requests, then you tell her you love her, but you do not respect her for refusing to parent, and you will need to step away from the chaos she created.
I would keep a suitcase beside the bed as a permanent fixture/reminder to what awaits her if she refuses to make changes.
Is the home yours? Hers? Ours?
Remember, no meal, no sense of humor, income level, sex, massage, (or whatever this woman does to make you feel like you love her) is worth this. You're giving FAR more than you're getting in return! You deserve so much more, my friend.
I was in a similar situaiton
I was in a similar situaiton for 6 years until it ended. As much as you would like to blame her kids or her ex (and his gene pool) your gf is to blame for not parenting her kids properly. It will only get worse if this does not change. You deserve better. Also you are overpaying to be with this woman not only with your money but also with your mental health. Would she do the same for you? Highly doubtful.
Is your gf at least aware of
Is your gf at least aware of the risks she's running from not enforcing rules and boundaries? I mean, if someone gets into your home and ransacks it, takes everything worth selling, because the door is wide to the wall or because the key was on the outside she hasn't a snowball's hope in Hades of getting a cent from her insurance. Plus, imagine the vet's bill if the dogs had actually swallowed poison/coins. Adult consequences for actions by feral kids.
Have you sat the boys down?
Have you sat the boys down? And give a “man to man” talk with them? While you’re not their dad you are a man in charge of your gfs safety and their safety, and it sounds like you’re doing all you can for them. Maybe ask why they don’t do the things you ask them to do.
As for the gf you need to have a serious chat. If she’s not willing to help then you need to ask yourself if you want to spend your life like this. Wishing you luck!