As a Stepmom, I notice I'm not alone with the insane jealousy and insecurity of BM/ex-wife. She has caused countless uproars over the most ridiculous things from my and my husband's point of view. But, because of the hell she causes, I have to question, what are we as step parents, supposed to do?

I got backlash and threatened and screamed at over doing my SD's hair for school (she asked me to do it since she has seen me do my neice's hair often), for helping her with her homework (I have two master's programs behind me for education/teaching), for cooking her dinner (because now her daughter expects "home-cooked" meals that she just doesn't have the time to make), for coloring Easter eggs with her (that's a "mother's experience" to have with her child), for going apple picking together (again, "mother's experience", for going to her events (school concert, recitals, etc.), and on and on.

Background - I, like many of you, had nothing to do with the divorce, nor have I done anything to offend or hurt her (except for her own paranoia/jealousy issues).

Of course, I help out to help my SD and my husband. We have been a family for four years now. This isn't new. But, BM is still getting crazier over the "little things", and causing so much of a ruckus and hell for all of us, I have to ask.....IS IT WORTH IT?

We hurt the step kids, they are the ones who lose out if we don't help them. But, at what cost? Does it hurt them more to deal with the jealous, psycho BM? My SD hears so much crap from her mother for the things that I do for her. I often wonder if it only ends up hurting more than helping, since I can't do anything to prevent BM from acting this mean and selfishly.

When does the backlash from BM become more powerful in hurting the kid(s) than the benefit of those things that we as step parents do for these kids?

***NEW PART***
My SD now does not want me to touch her, her hair, or anything else. She won't eat the food I cook very often now, and gets upset if I do something nice because she hates what she is going through. She has been to three counselors over the past few years...no help. The BM goes to the counseling with her, and even when its our turn to take her, BM will show up anyway, and even though she's not in the room with her daughter, the court said that she can't be prohibited from going and sitting in the lounge, which makes her daughter nervous, knowing she's there. Also, BM is allowed to have the sessions recorded and the court said we can't prevent that either. She'll never get through her feelings because she's even more scared to say something on tape. My SD is mean to me because she probably thinks it will make her mother feel better. How sad. But SD just wants to let her mother win because its too much for her (and sometimes me) to handle.

Should I stop for the sake of saving the extra stress, yelling, phone calls, badgering, embaressment in public, emails, and the hell my SD has to deal with too? Or should I do it anyway, and brace myself for the aftermaths I know are to follow? Sometimes it seems worth it, sometimes I think that my SD just ends up hurt more, even if it's not my fault, I still can't stop it. I can only prevent it. What do all of you think?