HELP! AM I OBLIGATED TO DO THIS?
My husband and I have been married for almost a year and I am at my wits end!!! He has a son from previous marriage SS8 that lives with us part time only. I have my own son from previous relationship BS10 that is with us full time. Together we have a 10 month old son that I care for full time as well while taking classes.
The problem is my SS8 (of course!). He goes to school at BM's district which is 45 mins from us. DH started working long hours and cannot shuttle SS8 back and forth every other day due to his hours. So, he expects me to do it. At first I was glad to help, but it did not work out since it conflicted with BS10's school schedule and our baby's routine. Plus the BM & DH is so frustrating with lack of communication. I started feeling like the kid's taxi service and having to deal with their lack of co-parenting.
My DH and I always fight because of this. He said he never gets to see his son because of ME! I told him, he has a mother that takes care of him, a stepdad of his own and grandparents in the area that can pick him up! I have to care for my two kids with minimal help and you expect me to drive 45 mins to pick up SS8??!! It got so bad...I considered leaving him (we also had other arguments about SS). I feel so overwhelmed about the back and forth and lack of structure SS8 has when he comes into our home. I never ask DH for anything for my my BS10, I do everything....and he rubs in my face, "Well I pay the bills, so you have to watch/pick my son up at his moms".
I feel pressured to do something that is not my responsibility and painted the bad guy....I am so exhausted and need advice.
you don't HAVE to do SHIT!.
you don't HAVE to do SHIT!. your kids are your priority and DH and BM cant take care of there priority its on them not you. I always tell DH that i am here to help when i can but if i cant you two figure it out.
Is DH working extra hours so
Is DH working extra hours so you can be a stay at home mom? How many days a week are you expected to do it?
Well, no. You're not
Well, no. You're not *obligated* to do anything. Sounds like there's some emotional cost to refusing, however, which I think is more your problem.
I'm sure others are going to come and offer some good advice and solutions, so I'm going to offer something slightly off the wall. }:) I read about a couple that does this, and I've always wanted to try it!
Basically, you negotiate the price of whatever you're in disagreement about. It does a couple of things. One, it forces BOTH of you to put a value on whatever it is (you on how much you don't want to get involved, him on your "taxi services"). Two, it ensures that even the "loser" is compensated to a degree they find fair. Three, it takes emotion out of the decision.
Here's how it works. (BTW, the couple I read about called it "yootling" if you want to google it.) Each of you decides what you would be willing to pay the other to get your own way. So you decide that you would pay DH $1000 to deal with pickups on his own. He decides that he would pay you $500 to do pickups. Each of you writes down this number, then you reveal your "bids" together. In this case, you would "win" because your bid was higher. DH would do pickups (or find someone else) and you would pay him $500 (HIS bid, not yours!) because that is the value he placed on the service, one that he explicitly said was a fair price.
I kind of love this concept, because there's no compromise really - everyone gets at least something (either the other person doing a task, or getting paid to do it themselves).
You'll have to let me know if you try it, I'm sort of dying to see it in action!
Like I said, I'm sure others will have more conventional advice though!
Kind of- except in this case,
Kind of- except in this case, the sole responsibility for transporting ss lies with dh.
"But in the case of stay at
"But in the case of stay at home Moms can yootling be done to cover all household duties as well?"
It can (the couple I read about did), but it's a bit tricky. Actually, the whole premise is based on fairness, equality - and financial autonomy, which I know a lot of people don't do in their marriages. (If you're a SAHM then, your DH would have to "pay" you some sort of child care fee - maybe half of what day care would cost? - so that you could retain your autonomy.) I don't think I'd go for this as a way of life, but for "one-offs" I would.
In fact, I distinctly remember when my twins were about 6 weeks old and I hadn't slept in 87 years and I was getting up for the eleventy-th hundred time at dark o'clock in the morning, I shook my husband awake and said, "I will pay you one thousand dollars to go deal with that." And I was dead serious. Smart man that he is, he took care of them for the next couple wake-ups and let me get a solid 4 hours sleep. Bliss.
He didn't even take the money!
DH has an extra hour commute
DH has an extra hour commute now, that's it. I am a stay at home mom for now due to being laid off and actively on the job hunt + taking classes. So I also have to make time for job interviews during the week and schedule who will watch my own kids. Pretty much my hands are full! He wants me to do it 2-3x a week and every other weekend when he works! (and the schedule changes because that's how they are with the back and forth, very confusing!)
Oh...then he does need to
Oh...then he does need to find someone. Especially if you don't ask him for help with your BS. When is BM doing any of this?
I group messaged DH and BM
I group messaged DH and BM and clearly stated that I cannot help out anymore with the pick up/ transporting because I have my hands full and to please keep me out of it (I was frustrated and tried to be as polite as I can so they "get" it). BM understood and she said she has it covered. It's DH that is acting up and cannot get over it. He blames me for driving a wedge between him and his son (so silly since he gets home late from work and doesn't have time for any of us when he gets home anyway). How can I get DH to understand that his attitude is the reason this is an issue and causing problems in our marriage?
You are not obligated to do
You are not obligated to do anything for him. He is not obligated to do anything for you. But since he's not doing anything in support of his step-child (your kid) then its no loss is it?
You've had your say, and well said it was. Now end the argument by telling him that you've said all you're going to say and simply refuse to respond to him when he tries to bring it up.
Obviously he thinks money trumps everything you do. Well let him do without you and see how far his money gets him. Maids, chefs, sex partners etc. can be very expensive.
Thank you for this advice. I
Thank you for this advice. I truly appreciate it.
"You are not obligated to do anything for him. He is not obligated to do anything for you. But since he's not doing anything in support of his step-child (your kid) then its no loss is it?"
DH said that he is taking care of my BS10 by paying for the "roof above his head", so why can't I help transport his son. I just shook my head and was in disbelief...and resentment builds.
But it's good to know I am doing what is right standing up for myself. Thank you for the advice!
You aren't obligated to help
You aren't obligated to help him. He also isn't obligated to help support you 10 year old. If your son's dad isn't paying enough CS to fully cover his expenses, then your husband may be feeling some resentment.
Your groom does not
Your groom does not understand partnership, marriage, or moving through life as equity life partners. In short, he has no business being married to you unless he pulls his head out of his ass.
For the first 3 years of our marriage my bride was a SAHM/full time night class college student. I never played the "I pay the bills......" crap card. She kept our home, she managed our household, she cared for the Skid, we were and are a team.
You have a baby and one live in older child. Your Skid is not resident in your home, he is on a frequent but dynamic visitation schedule. Your pointing out that there are GPs and other family members that can help pick up and drop off is valid. However, rather than rely on them research a after school care shuttle service to pick him up and drop him off on his days in your home. Since DH is so focused on paying the bills ....give him another to pay that eliminates this tension from YOUR life.
We used a similar service when SS was in afterschool care.
Good luck.
Right on with this one!
Right on with this one!
Thank you!
Being a SAHM doesnt have a
:? :?
Being a SAHM doesnt have a thing to do with having kids in school.
Hell, I know SAHMs who enroll their preschool kids in day care centers or preschool programs.
I have one friend who has been a SAHM since her oldest child was born. Now her kids are in high school and college.
Oh boy, not another mommy
Oh boy, not another mommy war.
PTA stuff, dance, sports
PTA stuff, dance, sports stuff, cook, clean.....
I have not talked to DH since
I have not talked to DH since our huge argument the other day. You are all right, he needs to pull his head out of his ass. Our marriage is a learning process and I've disengaged from SS8 100%. SS is in after school program anyway, DH just wanted me to pick him up so he won't pay his half for daycare anymore. But that is his responsibility right?! I declined too because it would rack up my gas bill since it's far.
I feel sorry for SS8 because of his situation. But that doesn't mean I have to be the one to solve their problem! I get angry too when parents throw their responsibilities on others and guilt trip.
So I a determined to get back to work soon and move out so I don't have to deal with this circus. I love being with my husband when SS8 is not here with us, but his baggage is just too much. I guess when I leave he will realize his mistakes.
My BS10 is in school during
My BS10 is in school during the day. So I am fully taking care our 10 month old at home and running our home (chores, picking up after everyone, cooking). Like I said, anything to do with my BS10 son I do not ask for help from DH (bio father is not helping too). So much on my plate already.
Yeeeeeeahhhhh.... you
Yeeeeeeahhhhh.... you probably should just be thankful you had an easy kid, rather than telling everyone else they're doing something wrong if they don't find it as easy as you did. My first child? Easiest freaking baby in the world. Laid back, slept well, ate well, hardly ever cried, he was AWESOME. (Meanwhile a good friend of mine had a kid around the same time with colic. Kid screamed at least 45 minutes out of every waking hour. She nearly lost her mind. She also got her tubes tied.)
My second boy had acid reflux. Which meant that eating basically hurt, which meant he was freaking miserable, hungry, not sleeping well, and cranky. Only when he learned to sit up (and those stomach muscles got stronger!) did it get better.
Every kid is different. Some are hard and some (like yours) are easy. So don't judge another mom just because she didn't have your experience.
What you said was that it
What you said was that it really isn't all that taxing to take care of an infant. I think what people are going for here is that isn't always the case. Your infant may not have been taxing, but many of them are taxing and beyond. Get a baby with colic, reflux, or a hundred other possible things and "taxing" it isn't, it's frigging hell.