You would be doing a diservice to everyone involved to get married having the feelings that you do. These kids are young, you have 14 years of them to look forward to. How long have you and your fiance been together? you certainly knew she had kids prior to this right? Is it just that you never had them full-time until now?

Call off the wedding. It takes time to adjust to kids that aren't yours. Everything they do bothers you. Hearing them breathe when they are sleeping makes your skin crawl. The whining, the constant need for attention. It will eat you up. Do not marry this girl until you have sorted out these feelings. Have you spoken to your StepDad? I would think he would be able to shed light on this situation for you.
I feel really bad for you but if you marry her it will be a HUGE disservice to her & her children.

I will tell you that being with someone with kids, you may want to test drive before marriage. I have been with SO for 3 years. Living together for 2. People can say all they want that you knew she had kids when you met her, but you can't know how you are going to react. You think its no big deal and it will be ok, but until you spend time with them alone and with them and your SO you can't know how you will respond. There is a dynamic that you have to become accustomed to and you may not.

I would ask her if you two could postpone the wedding just to allow everyone including her children to settle. You need to be very sure first. Make sure she doesn't get pregnant in the meantime too.

I'll have to agree with most everyone here. You should at least postpone the marriage and try living together with the kids for a while if you really want to try and make it work.
I have 2 SK's, SD13 who lives with us full-time, and SS9 who we see 3 weekends a month. DH and I were together for 6 years before we got married, living together for about 4 of that.
It kills me to admit it, but when I first moved in.. I hated having the kids. Especially on the wekeends when both of them were there. They were loud and obnoxious, they work up early, SS was 4 at the time and peed the bed regularly, etc.. It's like a serious culture shock, really.
Eventually, I made a choice. I chose to stay and be a SM. I chose to accept that kids might not be my thing, but that I would do my damnedest to make sure I was the best SM I could be. After that, things started not to bother me so much. I have to admit, I still don't like messiness, loudness, unending questions, etc.. but I've been able to learn to let a lot of it go. In the end, I have gotten the opportunity to be a part of my SK's lives. I love them and they love me.
I have to add though.. this is entirely my opinion, based on my experience. Everyone's experiences are different. It helped that DH's kids weren't devils incarnate. He disciplines them when they need it, and backs me up when I need it.

Welcome to StepTalk, johnyg!

You've found a great place for support and advice! I agree with the majority of posters above me - DO NOT GET MARRIED to this woman until you give your relationship, including her KIDS, more time to grow - you have NO CLUE how different a relationship is when you add 2 children that aren't YOURS into the mix!!

Also, I hope you don't mind me being a little bit blunt, but I just wanted to say that IMHO, you are WAAAYYY too young to get yourself involved in such a complicated situation!!! You're only 24 and you've only been dating her for 2 years?!?! What's the rush to get married, especially when the truth be told, you have NEVER LIVED WITH HER 2 CHILDREN!!

I don't know a lot of info. here, but there are so many questions:

Is she divorced?
Where is the biodad?
If he's in the picture, is he a good guy or crazy?
What is the extent of biodad's involvement with the kids?
Are you two financially secure (NOT INCLUDING any child support she may or may not receive)??
Can she afford to support these 2 kids WITHOUT you or does she need your income to survive? (BIG red flag if she needs your $$)

Bottom line: When you are truly in love and know that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, then there's NO REASON TO RUSH GETTING MARRIED!!!

Are you worried that she'll find someone new if you leave or if you discuss waiting to get married until everyone has had more time to settle in?

Be HONEST with yourself. There is NO RATIONAL REASON for you to rush into marriage at 24 YEARS OLD to a woman who is only 26 years old and has 2 children already!!! You've only been together 2 years and you've really NEVER lived with them all as a FAMILY on a daily basis. You have NO IDEA what you're getting yourself into. You are so young, you have MANY YEARS to live your life as a husband, nevermind as a father (to someone ELSE'S children, to boot!!). You really should sit down and think about whether or not you can live with the resentment that this woman already has children with another man!! This is usually a very sore subject for many guys...just sayin!!

Do NOT be the man that needs to rescue the "damsel in distress" - that is NOT a good reason to get married. As a matter of fact, that's a good reason NOT TO GET MARRIED to her!!

Talk to your stepfather (if you're close and he knows your situation) - see what his opinion is. Talk to other people that know you, that know her, that know her situation (2 kids, the biofather, etc...) and see what they say. If they are hesitant or tell you that you should reconsider...heed their advice.

Good luck!!!

"Bam!!! Ton of bricks!!! I don't like her kids! I love this woman with all of my heart but at the same time I made conscious decisions in my life to not have kids yet for a reason. I feel like the worst person in the world because I just want to make her happy, but at the same time I feel like I can't even enjoy her presence when they're around, also I feel like it's a bad idea to just push my feelings and happiness aside. They just suck the life out of me,"

Other then the fact that I have my own BD, you took the words right out of my mouth. I feel the same way.

I believe that these replies are all negative.... you need positivity. You were searching for an answer and everyone is so darn negative. Did these people not here your cry? You are in love with this woman. Love conquers all. 4 and 6 are too young. They are like clay, moldable and still able to take on who you are as a person. I believe that you are getting cold feet. You undoubtedly loved this woman enough to overlook the fact that she has two kids. Now, you are about to get married and this is a really good reason to back out. Do not be a step-dad! Be her husband, be her friend, be her shoulder to lean on. Let her be the parent. In time, you will or will not become a step-dad, but nothing more is expected of you. That is the way it should be. Happiness is rare, and if you are happy with her, then find a way to hold on to that. Don't stress yourself over the small stuff, especially if she isn't depending on you for money. Money will be the reason you divorce, not the kids. I know from experience. I still to this day love my own kids better than my step kids, but I never regret marrying their mother. Now the kids are gone, and I couldn't imagine my life without her. I would do it over and over and over again. Kids are not the end of the world, but, unhappiness and no true love will be!

I disliked my skids before we got married, they sucked the life out of me...and that hasn't changed even after marriage. Yes, it will put a strain on things, but if you have talked about it and continue to talk about it, you can work on it together. (This is where my DH and I struggle a bit.)

But you can't wait until the person you love is perfect and everything in life is perfect before you commit. That day is never going to come. Either you love this woman and want to spend the rest of your life going through ups and downs with this person, or you don't. Because I'm sure that there is going to more difficulties that you will face on your journey though life together. Just imagine, over the next 40 or 50 or 60 years all that could and WILL happen. Skids may be the easiest challenge of them all.

Plus, it takes time for a bond to form with skids. And some days you have one and some days you don't. It's your commitment to your spouse that is the #1 thing here. Are you committed to her enough that no matter what life throws at you, your bond won't break?

And to echo a few others...talk to your SD.

Insight from a biological mom of 3 boys...

When I first met my husband (he had two children; a boy 3 and a girl 1; and my boys were ages 4, 10 & 12), I asked myself, "Can I do this? Do I want to?" He had all the qualities I wanted but I thought long and hard before coming to the conclusion that yes; I could take these young children not just into my life but into my heart.

I asked my husband (new boyfriend at the time) to think long and hard too before committing and he quickly told me that yes; he wanted me and my boys and understood that we were a package deal.

Fast forward 8 years later...

I'm financially independent (as I was when he met me) and his life was bettered financially because of meeting me. His children and him enjoy luxuries that they wouldn't have otherwise known. My children's father is easygoing, doesn't interfere and is very much a part of my boys' lives so that isn't an issue at all. My boys are very respectful of my husband and are also motivated and on their way to success as well. They are now 20, 18 and 12 and his children are 11 and 9.

Still....for the last 4 years, all I've heard is how this isn't what he wanted (although he won't leave the relationship) and I have to be honest; I'm angry. I feel robbed of the joy of raising my boys (and his children too) because of his bitterness. There really is no good reason for this bitterness other than the fact that he must live in the same house as them.

Having stated all the negative; I'll now try to balance the scale. I commend you for thinking this through. I truly wish my husband had given it more thought. It isn't a decision to be taken lightly; I agree.

What you are going through sounds like what biological parents go through during pregnancy. I remember my boys' dad and I voicing so many fears but we had the benefit of 9 months to work them through and prepare for it' you don't in the sense that it's 'sink or swim'.

The children are young and it is true that although they require a lot of parenting at this age, this will diminish as they grow. Every parent feels overwhelmed at this stage of parenting so that is a normal feeling. It does get easier in the sense that they will become more independent with proper parenting. Age 7 to 13 are the best years because they are fun to be around! Teen years can be tough but if you do your job right now while they are young, it goes relatively smoothly.

In retrospect, if I had it to do all over again, what I would ask myself, if I were you, is this:

1. What kind of parent is she? How was she parented? This is EXTREMELY important. If you don't agree on parenting issues now and she doesn't respect your opinions in parenting, these feelings you are having will not go away as you will not have the authority to mold the behaviours that you dislike.

2. Do you want children of your own? Bringing your own children into the picture will complicate things even more (not impossible but challenging, to say the least).

3. And most importantly, you must look at the four of you as a 'family unit'. If you can't do that or foresee that in your future, she will resent you at some point. Women are naturally nurturing and I cannot even explain the overwhelming love/emotion we feel as we see Dad (father-figure) interacting with our children.

That's what I miss the most...

I think you should postpone the wedding. I have been with my FDH for over 5 years and I am STILL not used to the idea of us living together with his almost 8 year old daughter full time. We have lived together before, but currently we do not. We were supposed to get married the end of this year but postponed because of financial reasons. Secretly...I have other reasons that also pushed me to postpone. I want to live with him and her again for a period of time to how how I will adjust to it again before I take the plunge. I too feel the same about getting no joy out of interacting with FSD...she wants to play games and swim and this and that. I would rather do my own thing. I get next to no enjoyment out of doing things with her. If it's not something I enjoy myself, I usually don't want to do. I think it makes it even worse to see how MUCH my man loves doing things with his child, because it makes me feel even worse about feeling the way I do. What I have learned is that just because I don't love his kid the way he does, doesn't mean I don't truly love him. I think when I have a child of my own and understand loving a child of my own, it might really change the dynamic. You just have to take some time to sort out your feelings. What is truly important to you? What do you want out of your life and future? If you can't see yourself living without your fiance, you have to figure out how to get past your feelings of resentment towards the children. They WILL eventually grow up and go off on their own. I have remind myself of that all the time.